“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Wayne Dyer
We either hate change or fear it. One thing is for sure it is always around us. No matter what the age, changes are certain. When we are young we don’t care about it because we all want to be bigger fast. There are a lot of first challenges and we look forward to those. Parents seem to like having their kids transform quickly into self-sufficient adults.
I always wonder about the outcomes of pushing our kids too quickly into things they are not ready for. Of course we believe we have been successful when our kids are relying on themselves. We don’t stop to ponder if that is why they have the urge to leave quickly or why they express a desire to be independent at a young age. The attitudes of the parents are reflected in the children. Many young people are aware of how important it is to be able to cope with life on their own. They confront it in every advertisement, newspaper, book, pictures and approach of the general public as well as within their own families. The young adults make plans to venture towards independence even before they are financially able.
I question if this is why so many kids are returning home. Probably they are unable to pay their bills or are uncomfortable living alone. Many parents are more than willing to take their grown children back. Parents may stipulate their desire to have a time frame and adhere to a scheduled date when the kids will again depart. I don’t think it is because they worry about the kids living at home as much as they fear the backlash of friends and family who will ceaselessly question the parents about the adult children’s return to the home.
It would almost be worse if friends and relatives refrained from questions. At that point the parents would likely feel compelled to bring up the discussion themselves. Parents may believe they failed in their duty to raise kids and set them free. I understand the stigma attached to a longer and prolonged stay at home by adult kids. But I believe it is everyone’s right to adhere to their own agenda.
Some kids have found someone and are marrying right away. They are settled and have another individual to live with. Some kids land a fantastic job, earn lots of money and are quickly able to provide for their needs. Others are simply not ready either emotionally, physically or mentally to become self-regulated. So what is the big deal? It is other people who make it a big commotion. We all must focus on what works for our own homes and families. There is no right or wrong and no blame. There are many people presenting from various backgrounds. A little tolerance can go a long way.
Is it better to send young adults off regardless of what is best for them in order to adhere to an unstated code of independence? Why allow others to dictate what is or isn’t good, bad, right or wrong. We must trust ourselves and our own ideas and heart. This is not a competition or at least it shouldn’t be. I have never heard of anyone receiving a medal because their kids left the house first.
Maybe we are too involved with competition. We have too much focus on winning and losing. We haven’t yet realized that there are so many more losers in any game so why stress. There might be five minutes of fame for the winner but who really cares.
Independence is important but maturity security and well-being are more valuable. If we can appreciate there is no competition, or medal given, maybe we might take a more laid back attitude. Of course there might be those parents who want their kids out of the house as soon as possible, regardless of whether or not their kids are ready. Perhaps parents might give more attention to their own reasons for desiring a quick departure from their adult children.
We can’t continue to allow others to demonstrate how we should think or evaluate any situation. Recognize the fact that we are all different, have varying requirements, temperaments, attitudes and levels of stress. Taking all of this into consideration if we want to do what is best for our own kids, we will toss the guidelines aside. Yes we want them to fly solo but we also want them able to stay the course and not crash into any trees in their flight.
Transformation is like the constantly crashing waves. It comes quickly and without stopping. The changes are swift and noticeable. To be able to cope with the alterations, we must see it in a positive light. It doesn’t have to be negative adding a sense of loss. We can look at our kid’s marriages in many ways. The family structure is adjusting. It is also possible to look at the marriage as adding more love to the family in the way of new members and babies that enter through the union.
By seeing the good in any situation we embrace the changes and required adjustments with excitement and curiosity. None of us know what our kids will decide to engage in or study. We can trust that it will bring new dimensions to our own lives if we give it just half a chance. By taking the interest and getting involved, it is likely the new will be better. Our fear will dissipate.
Transformation is impossible to avoid. It certainly keeps stagnation away, and gives us new things to think about and discover. Through investigation we might find something we would like to alter in ourselves or in our lives. If fear is the only obstacle holding us back let go of it. Embrace the new, while hanging on for a bumpy but exhilarating ride, over the never-ending waves of modification.
“Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its’ troubles. It only empties today of its’ strength.” Corrie Ten Boom
“It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.” C. S. Lewis
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Reinhold Niebuhr