“Action has meaning only in relationship and without understanding relationship, action on any level will only breed conflict. The understanding of relationship is infinitely more important than the search for any plan of action.” Jiddu Krishnamurti
“Any problem, big or small, within a family, always seems to start with bad communication. Someone isn’t listening.” Emma Thompson
“Injustice can be eliminated, but human conflicts and natural limitations cannot be removed. The conflicts of social life and the limitations of nature cannot be controlled or transcended. They can, however, be endured and survived. It is possible for there to be a dance with life, a creative response to its intrinsic limits and challenges …” Sharon Welch
I think sometimes we lose faith, and a bit of love, when others simply toss out words that hold no truth. We all know how that feels, and how it goes, yet it isn’t something we can explain. It is simply a feeling, and a real emotion. Most of us half listen to someone’s story, or tale of woe. Even complaints and good news is ignored. As much as we believe we cover our tracks, truth is we don’t fool anyone.
It is hard to challenge the listener and say, “Well I think you are only half listening to what I am saying.” Instead we accept whatever attention we get, and spill out our hearts. If we totally paid attention to each other, there would be no need of a repeat discussion, and likely the healing process would begin. Instead we suffer a bit longer, until we either clear it up ourselves, or find a person who will help us deal with a situation.Technology is only adding to the dilemma. Most of us are tuned out, at least half of the time. I watch as people are having a conversation with another. While the speaker is talking, the listener is computing. Then they reply to the speaker with empty words of comfort or praise. I don’t know about others but it doesn’t work for me.
It is such a harsh world, and we need comfort from others. We need to know other people understand, because they have undergone the same situation. This comes from communication. If there is none, then we all suffer a lack of connection to others.
Many or most times we get through the difficult time. Unfortunately, at a future point in time, it reoccurs and the pain and problems are bigger. That is because we haven’t really settled it in our minds. Because of this we revisit old wounds and repeat mistakes. How sad when we are close enough to touch each other, yet miles apart from touching hearts.
I am not saying we must always involve a psychiatrist and or a psychologists. Although they do serve an important role in the world. I do think in past times people had each other to lean on. I recall some collaborative good times on my parent’s back porch, when I was a child. We must make time again for those simple pleasures, and insights, that lead to clarity and love.
I know we talk on phones and text, but because of the swiftness of our lives, we cryptically offer advice. We are noticeably in a hurry, and at times just agree with the hurting person. Agreeing that they are correct, in dumping the boyfriend or whatever else they are planning to do is dangerous to their lives. Of course our friend proceeds to do this with our blessing. Right or wrong we possibly have changed their lives in a perilous way.
We can reason and say it is their issue, but when any of us are confused, we look to others to lead. I am certainly not suggesting we take the responsibility for norther’s poor selections, but I am suggesting we should pay a bit more attention when another calls for our help. Many of us talk about how we can make a difference in the world, or help humanity. We have our answer. Support those we see in front of us.
Again that might seem too easy to be the answer, but simplistic is usually truth in action. Poor listening only causes us to give surface advice. If the person repeats on and on, and we get tired, we agree with the person and their negative viewpoint towards their problem. We may even engage in the derision of another because it is more interesting than dealing with the emotional wounds. To really be of service to another, we can’t run away from the emotional pain.
It is relevant that we remain neutral because we are hearing only one side. By staying neutral we can gain a clearer picture of what might be the other side of the problem. The person can now assimilate it and accommodate it within their own minds and hearts. The result is possibly a peaceful outcome. Of course this takes time, but in the long run, it may actually result in a speedier resolution. Otherwise we might revisit this situation many times with our friend, or family member, until we begin avoiding them altogether.
Brushing our emotional problems to the back of our minds allows them to grow, and eventually take over our thought processes. Surface speaking, and thinking, eventually gets overloaded. We need clarity. Most problems are easily solved, or worked out in time, if we deal with them in a positive way. if we embark on a course involving the slandering of another, we might feel comforted and powerful for the moment, but for sure one day perhaps we will be the recipient of the bad-mouthing.
With thought and reflection, understanding is allowed to surface. When this happens we can’t return to naivety. Anger dissipates and tolerance enters. The good part is we arrive at a peaceful end to a problem. When we work on a puzzle, it is hard in the beginning, but as we process the pieces, and put them together, a clearer picture emerges. The same is true with our problems with jealousy, anger or any fear. The more we are willing to witness all of the parts, the more we can make sense of our state-of-affairs.
Even when we continue to have to allocate time with the same problem, it is still a reduced dilemma. Because we are familiar with the issue, it permits us to put it to rest in a quicker manner. Take some time to listen intently, before offering any advice. Respect the magnitude of the problem as it is coming from the soul of another human being. Reflect on your answer, because sometimes we should follow our own advice.
“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” Scott Peck.
“We are not going to deal with the violence in our communities, our homes, and our nation, until we learn to deal with the basic ethic of how we resolve our disputes and to place an emphasis on peace in the way we relate to one another.” Marian Wright Edelman