A Child’s Perception Of Shattered

“Finding beauty in a broken world is creating beauty in the world we find.”
Terry Tempest Williams

“You are the bow from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.”   Khalil Gibran

“Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution.”    Khalil Gibran

After a divorce many parents introduce a new man or woman into the young child’s life immediately, without any regard to time and effort. Pacing the acceptance by the child, for this new individual we introduce into their lives, is crucial. It certainly is more thoughtful to allow the child time, to be acquainted with this new person, before they are having breakfast at the kitchen table. Other parents declare a divorce, and the arrival of a new half sibling at the same time.

Poor behavior at school may immediately occur. When there is a fear of losing the love of special people, children shut down and melt down. Fighting, anger, and divorce are ripping our children’s hearts to shreds. Divorce is one major outside force, which has far-reaching consequences. It manifests fear, anxiety anger frustration jealousy and envy into the lives of children. It cannot be underestimated, in the damages it causes to children. The effects are so extensive, that they might carry the damage throughout their lifetime. Divorce influences various areas of one’s life.I would emphasize the rethinking of such a course. A moment of anger and revenge can result in a lifetime of tragedy. It benefits all to put their best effort into alternative remedies. Divorce is, in my opinion, a number one reason for mental stress and emotional anguish for children. It is in my judgment a contributor of poverty for children. It is also my belief, that divorce has become a stress and fear contributor for many children caught in such a situation.

Grandparents become those casualties of war, trapped in the middle of custody battles, and family disputes. Unfortunately, it would help if grandparents refused to get involved in the disputes of the husband and wife, and remained involved in the lives of their grandchildren. This may be critical to the child’s management and release of fear. Bickering parents may ruin the grand-parenting relationship. The results lead to decimation in the relationship and little, if any, contact with their grandchildren. Even those grandparents who refrain from the hostility, are possibly enmeshed in the complications without their consent. Grandparents suffer the forfeiture of grandchildren, and grandchildren suffer the deficiency of their relationships with grandparents.

The insecurities we deposit on our children are painful. In order to punish our ex-spouse, we in the process punish our children. Revenge is anything but sweet. It is more of a contagious disease, that infects everyone near. Grandparents can bring comfort and support. If given the opportunity. They might provide a child with a sense of family and ancestry. Stability might appear in a child’s life, along with a belief that all is not gone or lost. The child did not fight with grandma or grandpa. Possibly, a truce might be made with the grandparents.

We must keep in mind what is best for our child. It is not about our issues or resentments. We perhaps are moving on with our life, but these people are our child’s world. We should try to refrain from destroying our child’s images of wonderful past experiences. Having an awareness of how deeply divorce cuts into a child’s psyche, might alter one’s plans for a quick divorce. Maybe it is possible to change course in the marriage, or place more effort into producing a stronger structure. Later, as time passes, this predictable effort takes less energy. Reconsider the fact that commitments of two homes, families, and spouses may become more stressful than our current situation.

The reality is that none of us likes to be alone, and we will likely have more children with this new spouse. Will they value our children from our previous marriage, as much as they value the child conceived with us? Will our other children mean anything to them? Is it possible for the other children to mean a great deal?
This situation inevitably blossoms into reality. Many of us perchance ignore the danger signs to keep peace in any relationship. Even our own children remain quiet. They will play along because they have the most to lose. They need to feign love and acceptance of whatever appears, because it is a survival instinct. Children love their parents. With divorce there is less money and time. We are now juggling two families. How incredible is it to suppose things will be easier or better than before the divorce, unless of course their was abuse. We are currently shouldering more responsibility. If we thought we had too many anxieties before, we have increased them with our choices.

Sometimes we are required to live further away from our first family. Many dads might lose touch or lose the bonds of connectedness. Moms possibly promote ill will towards the child’s father. Dads might also feel competitive with the new step-dad. Moms might feel competitive with the new step-mom. Jealousy and hatred are now blossoming and carrying over to the children, who don’t deserve these burdens. Disparaging our ex-wife or ex-husband in the presence of the children is incorrigible. If we include the children in these episodes of insults, it is damaging. We should question our need to bring more betrayal, retribution and alienation into our children’s lives.

Children will always love mom and dad, and our statements only serve to hurt them. It  contributes to their sense of loss. Sometimes we forget the intense feelings of betrayal, children experience, when they cannot stop us from degrading the other parent. They do not believe they have the power to say anything at the time. Later, the guilty emotional state claws at them. Emotional pain, and fear, can become our child’s best friend. Contemplate your every move, as if you were playing a chess game. Passive aggression is a reality. One might not be thrashing out at another, but a passive aggressive person is being hurtful and causing stress and annoyance in their way. We shouldn’t deliberately interfere with our ex-spouses visiting times, or forget to mention important dates, regarding school or sports, or anything pertaining to the kids. Staying active and involved in our children’s lives is important for both parents. Compromising for the sake of the children is crucial.

When we behave in an aggressive way, or when we are actively destructive in our actions through passive aggression, foremost we destroy our children. Either performance is counterproductive to a healthy relationship. If we succeed in forcing our ex-spouse to recede from the child’s life, we have succeeded in the amputation of a piece of our child’s heart and soul. I would doubt any of us want that for our child, or children. Unless a parent poses a threat to the child, the importance of a child’s connectedness to both parents is fundamental. Caring about our child’s welfare supersedes our own fears and revengeful attitude.

“In a spiritual journey the world cannot be discovered by a journey of miles, no matter how long,but only by a spiritual journey, a journey of one inch, very arduous and humbling and joyful, by which we arrive at the ground at our feet, and learn to be at home.”    Wendell Berry

“If you don’t risk anything you risk even more.”    Erica Jong

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”    Reinhold Neibuhr

“A mature person is one who does not think only in absolutes, who is able to be objective even when deeply stirred emotionally, who has learned that there is both good and bad in all people and in all things, and who walks humbly and deals charitably with all the circumstances of life, knowing that in this world no one is all-knowing and therefore all of us need both love and charity.”    Eleanor Roosevelt

“May all beings everywhere plagued with sufferings of body and mind quickly be freed from their illnesses. May those frightened cease to be afraid, and may those bound be free. May the powerless find power and may people think of befriending one another. May those who find themselves in trackless, fearful wilderness—the children, the aged, the unprotected—be guarded by beneficial celestials.”   Buddhist Prayer For Peace

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