Tag Archives: compromise

Do You Secretly Judge Others? How to Enjoy Life After 60 With An Attitude Of Gratitude

When we refuse to judge others, we express love and compassion. Love does not mean we become passive and allow others to abuse us. It is quite the contrary.

Compassion is not weak but strong. It allows us to see where the suffering in the world arises. People can irritate us every day with their silly antics. We may think a compassionate heart means we are to ignore the irritations and allow others to walk all over us.

Some people do and say mean things, while others are coerced into remaining tolerant. One’s tolerance level can be commendable, but there lies the secret. Enduring a constant onslaught of trivial complaints leads one to resent the issues people complain about. This may happen when we judge in secrecy.

Convert Confrontations to Compromise

The revelation of private judgements took me by surprise one day. Outwardly, we keep most of our opinions to ourselves. We may join a discussion but attempt to remain neutral for the sake of keeping peace and refrain from hurting someone’s feelings.

There are times when our disagreements turn into a confrontation due to strong viewpoints. This allows one to stand firm in their convictions. However, it makes it difficult to bend. Blessed are those who can bend. Continue reading

Learn From The Kids

“How terribly sad it was that people are made in such a way that they get used to something as extraordinary as living.” Jostein Gaarder

“There are people who are generic. They make generic responses and they expect generic answers. They live inside a box and they think people who don’t fit into their box are weird. But I’ll tell you what, generic people are the weird people. They are like genetically manipulated plants growing inside a laboratory, like indistinguishable faces, like droids. Like ignorance.” C. JoyBell C.

“I think that we are like stars. Something happens to burst us open; but when we burst open and think we are dying; we’re actually turning into a supernova. And then when we look at ourselves again, we see that we’re suddenly more beautiful than we ever were before!” C. JoyBell C.

I had to take a break from my writing due to family issues that needed my attention. Of course I never stopped observing and learning, even if I stopped writing. I noticed how tense it felt to let go of so many tasks I would normally accomplish when I have total concentration. Instead I sat back, worried and reviewed how far behind I assessed I must be. In reality I was only behind because I saw it that way. In actuality I might be and probably am exactly where I am supposed to be at this point in time.

How many of us believe or even think about why we find ourselves treading water at times or even going backwards at other times? Perhaps we view this as big problems  and ask ourselves why it happened to us. None of us would say “Well I am glad for that set back  because now I have time to review what it is I am doing.” Continue reading

Displaying Weakness

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”    Mother Teresa

“Life is strong and fragile. It’s a paradox… It’s both things, like quantum physics: It’s a particle and a wave at the same time. It all exists all together.” Joan Jett

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and  reflect.” Mark Twain

I will hurt inside, cry later in the privacy of my home, laugh at the absurdity, and never show my sensitivity to those who are deliberately attempting to bring me pain. When I release my hurt and agonize alone, I actually feel the vulnerability dissipate and the strength replace the anguish. I truly stand taller and although the ache is still within, the knowledge of my power to overcome such pain is a relief.

Continue reading

Has Man Evolved?

“A man is truly ethical only when he obeys the compulsion to help all life which he is able to assist, and shrinks from injuring anything that lives.”    Albert Schweitzer

“The true worth of a man is not to be found in man himself, but in the colours and textures that come alive in others.”    Albert Schweitzer

“Being religious means asking passionately the question of the meaning of our existence and being willing to receive answers, even if the answers hurt.”    Paul Tillich

What a profound question. I am not sure about the answer. Actually my answer is no. I don’t see it even in myself. Reviewing history makes anyone realize that  we appear to be making similar mistakes. I want to change for the better as much as anyone but I’d like to do it my way and without disruptions to my life. That of course means placing my needs and wants first and worrying about self. I am not looking at the big  picture of how much I might be infringing on others in my pursuit of happiness. Continue reading

Let The Sun In

“Things do not change; we change.””I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor.”
“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each others eyes for an instant?” Henry David Thoreau

I know  I run away from my feelings many times and I would guess there are a lot of people running alongside me. Those who think otherwise perhaps don’t see the ways we manage to escape our thoughts which run rampant when we are hurt. For me it is losing myself in work. I pride myself in keeping the work flame burning as I rush to get things done. I have heard others say when they just had a fight with a spouse that they clean their house or closet. Continue reading

Divorce Adds Fear To Children’s Lives

“Children are not possessions. You don’t “allow” the mother/father extra time. When you say things like that you imply that you think of your children as things not as humans.”

“A good parent does not take their child’s rights away out of hate and anger for the other parent.

“When things are investigated, then true knowledge is achieved; when true knowledge is achieved, then the will becomes sincere; when the will is sincere, then the heart is set right ; when the heart is set right, then the personal life is cultivated; when the personal life is cultivated, then the family life is regulated; when the family life is regulated, then the national life is orderly; and when the national life is orderly, then there is peace in this world.”    Confucius

Divorce creates havoc and fear. Children are more deeply entangled in their parent’s divorce, than either of their parents. They are the ones who love both parents, and want to see, and be with both parents. Children are the individuals, who get harmed the most. Sometimes a divorce is necessary, but the child’s world is toppled, and they can’t fathom why. They really lose some faith, trust and hope, as well as part of their foundation.

Divorce has a huge impact on kids. Children’s fear, worry, doubt and distress increases. The effects on children are tremendous and deep. Their innocence is lost, no matter how nicely the divorce goes. They are suffering, but the parents are perhaps so distressed at this point in time, that they likely have little time to observe the problems children begin to endure. Parents are probably very concerned, about where they are proceeding from that point onward. Continue reading

The Importance Of Freedom With Understanding

“For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.” Nelson Mandela

“The only freedom which deserves the name is that of pursuing our own good, in our own way, so long as we do not attempt to deprive others of theirs, or impede their efforts to obtain it.” John Stuart Mill

“People are like dirt. They can either nourish you and help you grow as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wilt and die.” Plato

Most of us desire freedom in a variety of ways. We like a voice within the family and at the workplace. We enjoy choosing the types of recreation we love and vacations that inspire and or entertain us. Of course with so many others wanting the same things it leaves us with the necessity of compromising. Even if that goes against the grain we are generally coerced into such situations. In this respect our freedom is technically compromised.

Likely it is the right thing to do if we are in any kind of relationship unless we take separate vacations. Restaurant picks can be alternated or a mutual agreed upon compromise may be chosen. With kids involved we must take the time for input from them. Depending on the age of the kids it is usually easy to convince them in our decision. As they mature it might become more difficult. Hence we find it easier to have freedom when we are single or even without children. Continue reading

The Highs And Lows Of Marriage

 “When you make the sacrifice in marriage, you’re sacrificing not to each other but to unity in a relationship.?”    Joseph Campbell

“But marriage goes in waves. You’ve got to be patient. People bail and give up on their marriages way too early. They just don’t put the work and the effort into it. You’ve got to suck up your ego a lot of times, because that can be a big downfall.”    Anna Benson

It is impossible to have a set of guidelines for marriage because there are likely no two marriages that are identical. It stands to reason that if none of us are equivalent then when two of us get together and form a marriage it will be unique. That is why I believe it is next to impossible to imitate another couple. It may even be asking for trouble.

Women turn to other women when they have a problem in the marriage. Of course the first things friends do is to state what works in their own relationship. This is helpful to a point but useless as a tool of measurement. No two marriages are identical and therefore each relationship, like kids, needs to be dealt with differently.

I think some young marriages begin by assuming the man should do this and the woman that. Reality steps in and the turmoil begins.  Each partner feels they know how to divvy up the tasks.  They discover that the attitude of you do this and I’ll do that and everything will be fine doesn’t work.  Once each spouse stops attempting to delegate the jobs the bickering comes to a conclusion.

Marriages that work are based on less controlling expectations. Whenever we expect, we will perhaps always be disappointed. Soundly studying our prospects provides us with the realistic notions that are within reason. The plans must take into account the attitudes and moods of the day. They also must consider any stressful issues at work or in the extended families that may influence the thoughts and behaviors of our spouses.

None of us like having someone hanging the gauntlet over our heads and demanding we do our work. Many of us experience enough of that at our jobs so that the last thing we want to experience is this happening at home. Let’s face it, it is a total turn off. I understand like anyone else that there are tasks I want accomplished and maybe even waited on them for a long time. I also am aware that my timing is poor sometimes, and those tasks may appear to be discouraging to my spouse when I begin command with an ultimatum, that they get finished.

If one likes to cook, then man or woman they should be the chef. If one keeps the clothes washed and refrains from putting everything into the dryer then that is solidly their job. If you don’t like to do certain jobs and your spouse is willing to do them then stop checking on the time the job takes to do. It isn’t always about the time it takes to do the job, but whether or not you want it on your list.

Going shopping may be interesting for some spouses because they enjoy the foods and creativity. It may take more time but they have the benefit of choosing the meal plan and ideas. Picking up the house may be quicker but a bit more boring. Attempting to keep the division of labor fair and within reason helps to save some disagreements down the road. However it is never a perfect way to settle division of chores.

I believe many women sense their stronger connection to the home. Perhaps they are only looking at it from their perspective. The husband may see the crack in the cement that needs to be sealed. Likewise women may enjoy creating the ambiance within the home which the husband recognizes as a waste of time. Having respect for the intricate differences of what we profess to be a worthy job is vital.

I think that at times we may have to wait for some of the tasks we want completed. It may take time for either spouse to get to the job. Patience within a marriage solves wasted time and energy exerted in fighting which actually costs us possibly more days of lost serenity. Fights are usually detrimental to marriages and to accomplishing any kind of job.

Understanding is important along with patience because if we comprehend where our spouse is coming from even if we don’t agree we can accept the viewpoint. Perhaps our acceptance of a task that is put off will drive our spouse into completing it a lot faster on a better day. Because we grasped their need to wait, they may appreciate our desire to have it finished.

Empathy is so necessary in a marriage. Without empathy we never acquire an “I get you” kind of attitude. I think of empathy as walking in another s’ shoes and looking at the world through their eyes. For instance we may want that yard cultivated so we can plant a garden but our spouse sees only the work because they don’t enjoy gardening. The empathy also brings into account the moods, feelings stresses and health issues.

Sometimes we can be on a vendetta and become totally unreasonable and self-absorbed. I have done that many times and have witnessed others doing it. We hate to believe we act this way but in reality we do. If we make up our minds about the way we presume things ought to be, we control our spouse. We don’t care what their agenda is because we have our own plans and it includes their consent to go along. Likely we enslave them in a way, as far as what we envision they will accomplish.

Of course when we become more reasonable we release our hold. If we do not learn how to play fair and hopefully compromise, I would venture to say the marriage will be strained. How could it not be tense? Just because we believe this is the way it should be does not mean we have the truth. We are ignoring the others viewpoint and understanding of the situation. Wanting what is best for us makes us overlook the views health wants needs and stresses of another.

Marriage takes time and effort and there are no easy rules or guidelines. I believe that the best we can do is to always include empathy, understanding, compromise, patience, tolerance and a respect for what is good for both partners. That is why placing the other spouse’s needs before our own at times helps us to achieve a more equitable division of labor because fairness is reciprocated. None of us respond well to demands and criticism. We all respond to love.

“All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest – never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principles of equal partnership.”    Ann Landers

“The greatest marriages are built on teamwork. A mutual respect, a healthy dose of admiration, and a never-ending portion of love and grace.” Fawn Weaver

The Vital Significance Of Family

“There is an ongoing battle between conscience and self-interest in which, at some point we have to take sides.” Robert Brault

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to
hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell
apart, that’s true strength.” Unknown

“During the first 10 years of my life, while my parents were married, I enjoyed a privileged upbringing. After their divorce, my life was
difficult.” Bianca Jagger

Have we lost the idea of family? It is time to recapture the meaning of the supportive family. The quick reply of not my family won’t work anymore. At times we put words in other people’s mouths, that might never be said in reality. In this way we can confront our own demons, as to why we ostracize ourselves but blame the family.

Of course we all have family flaws, and stories we can relate to. It isn’t about who suffered more or less, or which situations were more outrageous. Life in general is tough, and we can all use support of one kind or another. We can’t fear our own insecurity. Nobody is giving out awards for martyrdom. If we can just get over ourselves we can accept help. I even find that helping others gives one a good feeling. We in a way, are making others feel good by allowing them to do something worthwhile.  This includes our families. Continue reading

Forgive The Past; Define Yourself In The Present

“The injuries we do and those we suffer are seldom weighed in the same scales.”   Aesop

“Write your injuries in dust, your benefits in marble.” Benjamin Franklin

“I don’t care if you are religious or not and I think the message is that at the end of the day, everybody has to mature and everybody has to heal and mend their own injuries, emotional injuries, on their own pace.”    Boris Kodjoe

How many of us make trip after trip to our past. Most of the times our journeys are to the most painful moments in relationships and injuries. We like to prove to ourselves we have made the correct choices. Somehow  we believe  we will absolve ourselves of any fault in the events that transpired.

Whatever response given by anyone, involved in our most unpleasant situations of long ago, is held responsible for our pain and we deny absolution. As a matter-of-fact, we tend to dig in our heels even more as time passes. We end up believing we did no wrong and all others were to blame. Continue reading