There are many reasons why a mother- and a daughter-in-law are quiet or reserved around each other. At times, people overstep the boundaries others have set up for them. That causes one party to be angry with the other.
The resentment occurs when we believe someone has unrightfully entered our space and we want justice. Sometimes that can mean atonement.
None of us think about the times when we tread on others, but if it happens to us it becomes a different and powerful story. It can lead one down the path of unreasonable behavior and sometimes revenge.
When Mothers-In-Law Say Too Much
Have you ever gone to a party and spoken your mind? Did you later regret some of what you said? The words that mothers-in-law use are sometimes loaded with an instructive, controlling tone.
They don’t mean to sound this way, but mothers have been teaching their offspring for so many years that it is difficult to stop all the advice at once. Yet, stopping is what must be done if one is to keep peace and allow their son to be liberated.
Daughters-in-law resent most – or all – unwanted advice and don’t want to be told they are wrong. In all actuality, nobody likes to be told they are wrong.
As hard as it is, the mother-in-law must learn to let her adult children make their own way, even if to her it is plain clear that they are making mistakes.We can’t keep our adult children from each and every mistake no matter how hard we try. It is important, therefore, to let go and allow them to live their life the way they choose. Nothing will irritate a daughter-in-law more than interfering with her and her husband’s business.
We all find it so easy to blame others when a relationship fails. If we could read our daughter-in-law’s mind, we would likely find she is blaming us for the uneasy atmosphere.
The truth is, both parties sabotage the relationship when they assume, judge and expect certain things to happen. Getting off to a bad start makes everyone uneasy.
Both women discover their confidence wanes, and the relationship situation is eroding, but no one tries to fix it. The tension is strong, and both women are lost in their own thoughts. Before the night is over, they speak cordially but make brief contact with each other.
It is easy to get caught up in the drama which serves nobody and adds to the confusion. Here are 5 ways to deal with the mother- and daughter-in-law “elephant in the room.”
Transform Emotional Distance into Positive Interactions
At times, both women can simply be misguided in their thoughts and judgements of a situation. That is the best kept secret. Neither woman wants to upset the elephant in the room, so neither discusses any real issues or problems they have. Mothers- and daughters-in-law have individual fears, as well as desires. Continue reading →
If a mother-in-law has trust and faith in her son, it should give her the confidence to let go and let her son live his own life. She can learn to play a different role and find new interests to occupy her new-found time.
Life changes force us to play a different game with different rules. It can be fun if we are willing to play instead of lamenting the past and turning the game upside down.
Avoiding Daughter-in-Law Problems: Privacy Should Be Considered a Priority
It is important for the mother-in-law to take a step back and allow the couple privacy and space. A mother must consider and respect the fact that her son has a wife to consider. They are now forming their own household and their business is personal.
Probing into confidential affairs is unthinkable. Privacy should always be considered a priority and mothers-in-law should not interfere or ask their sons for information. Many mothers-in-law lament that their knowledge is completely ignored. Unfortunately, they must accept such occurrences as a part of life. Continue reading →
“What the soul knows is often unknown to the man who has a soul. We are infinitely more than we think.” Kahlil Gibran
“I realized that all the trouble I ever had about you came from some smallness or fear in myself.” Mary Haskell
“All cruelty springs from weakness.” Seneca
“We are expression of earth, and of life – not separate individuals only. We cannot get enough away from the earth to see the earth and ourselves as separates. We move with its great movements and our growth is part of its great growth.” Kahlil Gibran
“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.” Seneca
There has been a tremendous amount of talk about mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. The fascinating part is that nothing ever changes. I wrote a book on the mother-in-law daughter-in-law dilemma which took over fifteen years of research. I interviewed people at the beginning of those years and at the end and I got the same results. To be honest, I was shocked. Continue reading →
“Say NO to the demands of the world. Say YES to the longings of your own heart.” Jonathon Lockwood
“Your work is not to drag the world kicking and screaming into a new awareness. Your job is to simply do your work…Sacredly, Secretly, and Silently…And those with ‘eyes to see and ears to hear’ will respond.” Unknown
Continually attempting to please others, is likely the most difficult job we all work at constantly. All our boasts about not caring if someone likes it or not, are just nonsense. Deep down we want to make others happy. All of us work at making the grade, and becoming number one, in the eyes of another. What I have found is that it becomes impossible, to be the number one for any length of time. As hard as we work at it, eventually it wears us down, and I am not even sure others are totally aware of the game we are playing. They are too busy playing their version of it. Continue reading →
“I don’t need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take this time to take the path of thanks less traveled.” Anonymous
“The Holiday season is a perfect time to reflect on our blessings, and seek out ways to make life better for those around us.” Terri Marshal
The holidays are coming and you can already feel the anxiety. We all have it yet think we are the only ones sensing the stress. Some of us hide our fear better than others but without a doubt none of us like being criticized or gossipped about when the occassion is over. In truth our reality differs from what another experiences. None of us comprehend the total meaning behind words actions or gifts and we fret about our own situation unaware of the bombs we drop on others.
“Never say that you can’t do something, or that something seems impossible, or that something can’t be done, no matter how discouraging or harrowing it may be; human beings are limited only by what we allow ourselves to be limited by: our own minds. We are each the masters of our own reality; when we become self-aware to this: absolutely anything in the world is possible.” Mike Norton
“Never let someone who draws a line and say you can’t cross it intimidate you. Don’t be discouraged when someone says you can’t do it. You might have been the only one sent to do it.” Israelmore Ayivor
“Belief is truth held in the mind; Faith is a fire in the heart.” Unknown
“The christian life is not a constant high. I have to go to God in prayer with tears in my eyes and say oh God forgive me or help me.” Billy Graham
It is getting closer to that time of year when everyone begins thinking about what is wrong in their lives. It is the holiday season, the time of year we quantify our happiness by how our gains measure up against another s. The spouse is in jeopardy and the kids though we love them, can be disappointing. We wonder if we created the mess or if the chaos simply arrives around the holidays. We spruce ourselves up and have faith we’ll get through it without too many obstacles. How sad to have to ‘get through’ some enjoyable times. Continue reading →
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” Martin Luther King.
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Plato
“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” George Bernard Shaw
From Book “Mother-In-Law Daughter-In Law Dilemma“
Consideration should always be granted to another person. A mother-in-law‟s fairness to her daughter-in-law is out of respect for her son, and a daughter-in-law‟s fairness to her mother-in-law is out of respect for her husband. We need to saturate our hearts with appreciation, deliberation, and honor. Treating another person decently or compassionately is demonstrating regard. It is acceptable to give others respect, but it is necessary to first be aware of anothers existence. Continue reading →
“Family dinners are more often than not an ordeal of nervous indigestion, preceded by hidden resentment and ennui and accompanied by psychosomatic jitters.” M. K. Fisher
“The man who is anybody and who does anything is surely going to be criticized, vilified, and misunderstood. This is a part of the penalty for greatness, and every great man understands it; and understands, too, that it is no proof of greatness. The final proof of greatness lies in being able to endure contumely without resentment.” Elbert Hubbard
I find the thing that brings the most heartache and pain is disappointment. Every day there is so much need to face discouraging situations. At home it is frustrating if we feel the workload is not fairly divided. At this time loading the dishwasher which wasn’t suppose to be our job, gets irritating with every dish. Perhaps the job isn’t as hard as our anger at having to do it. Continue reading →
“There is no effect more disproportionate to its cause than the happiness bestowed by a small compliment.” Robert Brault
“every sunrise is an invitation for us to rise and brighten someone’s day. Richelle E. Goodrich
I recently heard from a young friend that her parents were getting a divorce. They had been married over 25 yrs. My friend is married yet so very hurt, and yes traumatized. It might seem crazy but divorce hurts the children, regardless of their age. It brings it back to relationships and understanding.
At times, we just don’t understand others motives, words or actions. Many times we jump to conclusions that are not true. As a daughter-in-law, I remember times when I felt the cold shoulder from my mother-in-law, and I would think hard about what I might have done to cause it. Now that I am a mother-in-law, I wonder why my daughters-in-law at times, are so quiet. I sat down one day and laughed because it occurred to me that maybe they had just had a fight with their husband, or somebody else, and their attitudes had nothing to do with me. Continue reading →