Tag Archives: Divorce

Everyone Disappoints

Everyone Disappoints

“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half closed after.”  Benjamin Franklin

“Perhaps, if you weren’t so busy regarding my shortcomings, you’d find that I do possess redeeming qualities, discreet as they may be.  I notice when the sky is blue.  I smile down at children.  I laugh at any innocent attempt at humor.  I quietly carry the burdens of others as though they were my own.  And I say ‘I’m sorry’ when you don’t.  I am not without fault, but I am not without goodness either.” Richelle E. Goodrich

“As a matter of fact, we are none of us above criticism; so let us bear with each other’s faults.” L. Frank Baum

“Because he has never forgiven himself any fault, he can forgive no one else’s.” Linda Berdoll

The hardest thing to come to terms with is the fact that nobody is always agreeing with us one hundred percent of the time. As a matter of fact there are many times throughout the day when our closest family members  sell us out or disappoint us. Of course the ideas quickly depart from our minds because we just can’t handle the disappointment we feel. Spouses children parents siblings friends co-workers and bosses are all included.

Checking this out takes courage. When we walk or run away from the hurt we return when things have calmed down and we perceive the person is now within their right minds. We never consider that perhaps it is the other way around and the true colors were revealed if only for a brief moment. War between family members is not what I am searching for nor do I believe we don’t love and care for each other. I think that we all worry about our own state of mind and body and if called upon to work hard for another we manage it but not without a few scars in the process.

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Giving And Receiving

“It’s not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.”    Mother Teresa

“A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal.”    Steve Maraboli

“Love only grows by sharing. You can only have more for yourself by giving it away to others.”     Brian Tracy

“I must be willing to give whatever it takes to do good to others. This requires that I be willing to give until it hurts. Otherwise, there is no true love in me, and I bring injustice, not peace, to those around me.”     Mother Teresa

I don’t know about others but I can tell you how many times I have weighed in my mind, what pain or hurt others caused me. It seems silly and absurd and definitely not a worthy thing to do. So I question why I am guilty of doing it frequently. If I loved unconditionally, I would not have this problem at all. I recall how much I love my kids and profess to love them unconditionally. I do love them unconditionally but when it comes to others, I fail miserably. When I get myself composed, I fill my heart with love again until the next trying situation Continue reading

Holiday Thoughts

“I don’t need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take this time to take the path of thanks less traveled.”    Anonymous

“The Holiday season is a perfect time to reflect on our blessings, and seek out ways to make life better for those around us.”    Terri Marshal

The holidays are coming and you can already feel the anxiety. We all have it yet think we are the only ones sensing the stress. Some of us hide our fear better than others but without a doubt none of us like being criticized or gossipped about  when the occassion is over. In truth our reality differs from what another experiences. None of us comprehend the  total meaning  behind words actions or gifts  and we fret about our own situation unaware of the bombs we drop on others.

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FINDING TRUTH

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me.” ~Erma Bombeck

“Each man must look to himself to teach him the meaning of life. It is not something discovered: it is something molded.”    Antoine de Saint-Exupery

“A great secret of success is to go through life as a man who never gets used up.”    Albert Schweitzer

I’m sure we have all heard the phrase, ‘What you don’t know won’t hurt you.’ Of course there are many ways to look at that. If we don’t know we are ill then it might hurt us. We could debate this for hours, but I believe that what we haven’t stopped to consider, will affect us in profound ways.

We are not far removed from the squirrels, birds  and other animals we study as they search for  food, mates, homes and security. I laugh at  the birds visiting my feeder, as they fight to gain access to the food. One morning I remember saying out loud, “There is enough food why are they fighting instead of waiting?” Of course at that moment, I realized they were behaving  just the same as people. Continue reading

Coping

“I can’t stop the waves but I can learn to surf.” Unknown

“When life’s problems seem overwhelming, look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself fortunate.” Unknown

“Is there a difference between happiness and inner peace? Yes. Happiness depends on conditions being perceived as positive; inner peace does not.”     Eckhart Tolle

How pompous it is to assume we know what another is feeling or dealing with in their lives. I for one have done that  so many times that I am drowning in my thoughts of regret. I never said anything hurtful to the people who were suffering with situations but I never totally understood the depth of their problems. Suffice it to say that I now realize there are perhaps many issues others must face that are much more difficult than they appear on the surface. Continue reading

Details Of Life

Details Of Life“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”    Friedrich Nietzsche

“A tree is known by its fruit; a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost; he who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.”    Saint Basil

How many of us have tunnel vision? It is simple to do and often happens. Maybe it occurs due to our earnest desire to get things done. We don’t want to waste time so we search for the quick meaning in any given situation.  If one runs towards an injured person, and misses the  dangerous gas permeating a room, you are both in trouble. The same is true in life.

Sometimes we think we know what the purpose is, and then we run crazily towards goals that are so unimportant. We forget about those details, which are the fabric of our lives. The details tell the story. How our story pans out, depends on what we consider most important. I know how many times I think about what I have to get done. I consider these items important enough to attend to first. I figure that when I fulfill them, then I will get to those other items, I enjoy and value most. The controversy always starts,  when I run out of time, before attending to the jobs I love to do.

At times I admonish myself for not stopping, before I am totally exhausted, and unable to give anything more to the family. Of course they mean the most to me, yet they come in last on my list. I look at it this way. They will understand and still love me, even if I disappoint them time after time. On the other hand, my boss or friend, may not be so forgiving. I don’t think about the hurt I have caused my family, nor the disappointment.

I keep telling myself, when things calm down, slow up, finish up, I will have time for all of those items I looked forward to doing. I am only kidding myself. If I reflect long enough,  I admit it, especially when I have disappointed people again and again. For some reason, I have this unfathomable goal to have the approval of the outside world. I need to look good, measure up and be respected. Of course the reality of it is, that the world most likely doesn’t really care about me or what I accomplish.

It is kind of like being on someone’s good list, or bad list. How ridiculous it sounds when I think about it. People forget so quickly, about what happened yesterday. Once things are accomplished, they project to tomorrow. Perhaps I worry about the inconsequential. Now if I could figure out why, I place so much emphasis on such nonsense, I would gain answers to some mysteries of life. Of course jobs make it necessary to  have concern, because that is the bread. Yet, I know I can always get another job if needed. I don’t want the aggravation. Yet I put up with all kinds of upsetting things at work.

I ask myself how the world came to be in such a dilemma. As much as we think we have acquired so much, we can’t enjoy it due to time constraints. Perhaps we have lost life’s meaning. If I worry more about work, and making dinner, then I haven’t come to the realization of  the true meaning in my life. I can ignore my child’s questions, promising to answer them when I ‘have time’. Deep down I know that probably won’t happen.

I strive at work, and when offered more money, of course to give more time, I immediately accept, and admonish myself for the guilty feelings.  I attempt to convince myself it is for the benefit of  all of us, in the long run. The trouble is, do we see the long run, or are we caught up in the short runs everyday. My patience is at the end of the rope, but I blame it on my burdens, which my family doesn’t understand. If I can’t make the child’s performance at school, I alleviate the guilty thoughts with thoughts of doing what is best for the family. Have I  gotten lost on my way? Am I on the right path?

I love it when I hear spouses mention, that their partner is not understanding, so they found love someplace else. Perhaps it is them, who have ignored the aspects of life, that made it worthwhile. They  traded the important features, with tunnel vision. We forget about the magnitude of the specifics, that make our life have meaning. There are  no short cuts to a worthy life. Knowing what is of value in our lives, is perhaps the most substantial understanding, we can attain.

When a child looks to us for advice, or small talk, it usually ends up having far more significance, than we originally expected. We end up feeling thankful, for taking the time we gave to our child. Likely though we forget to recall those treasured moments, the next time our child tugs at our pants. When we have no time to give, we have no comprehension of the importance,  of those aspects that give our life relevance. I believe it is essential, to ‘not ever underestimate the small stuff’.

We set our marriage up for failure, if we give it small attention. We are not parenting when we have no time for answering simple questions, for it is in those moments that the big questions come through. Tunnel vision leads us to finishing a day’s work, for pay, and then crashing, when we get home. Open, far-reaching vision gives us greater understanding, regarding the outcomes, for the amount of value we place on our humanity. There are two options. We might gain material wealth but lose our humanity, and that which holds purpose in our lives. We might also pick compassion, lose much of our material wealth, but gain back our values and humanity.

Attend to what you hold dear. focus on those things and people you treasure. Take responsibility for the path you choose. I might add that if we choose the path least chosen, we will find more dimension to our lives. People, not material gains, stretch our minds and hearts. Allowing them to fill up with love and kindness, leaves us altered and satisfied in a good way.

“Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.”        Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“Most of us spend too much time on what is urgent and not enough time on what is important.”  Stephen R. Covey

“The will of God is not something you add to your life. It’s a course you choose. You either line yourself up with the Son of God…or you capitulate to the principle which governs the rest of the world.”    Elisabeth Elliot

“The mark of a great man is one who knows when to set aside the important things in order to accomplish the vital ones.”     Brandon Sanderson

Potency Of Actions

“If your relationship to the present moment is not right- nothing can ever be right in the future-because when the future comes it’s the present moment.”     Eckhart Tolle

You find peace, not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.”    Eckhart Tolle

“Anything that you  resent or strongly react to in another, is also in you.”    Eckhart Tolle

I am not being critical as some of my knowledge comes from my own experience. It is vitally relevant that we comprehend, myself included, how we go about teaching our kids the many things we desire to see in them. If we sense our kids are not very empathetic, perhaps we should check on our own empathy towards others. If we never demonstrate any care of others then it will not be found in our kids. Continue reading

Bluntly Say It!

“If you don’t find the right set of eyes to see through your bull, you will always be surrounded by friends that will tell you white lies because they like your company and don’t want to ruin the evening.”    Shannon L. Adler

“Why would you ever premeditate honesty? To hesitate is to over think how you feel. A blurted out answer is usually the most genuine.”    Shannon Adler

“You can find anyone that will tell you what you want to hear, but the only one worth valuing is the one that tells you what you need to learn.”    Shannon Adler

I am perhaps one of the most sensitive people I know. I take offense to many things but I am very good at not showing how it affects me. I go home and sulk or cry until I get it all sorted out in my head. Sometimes I feel it helped me to see the truth even about myself. I don’t obviously like it but at times I learn a good lesson.

Now it appears to be harder for anyone to speak the truth or get an opinion across without stepping on toes and getting people upset. The trouble is now I go home pondering my words and if I offended anyone. I never intentionally offend but apparently hearing or bearing the truth can cause unavoidable suffering. This is making it impossible  to have a conversation that requires veracity. Continue reading

Job Division at Home

“The deepest fear we have, ‘the fear beneath all fears,’ is the fear of not measuring up, the fear of judgment. It’s this fear that creates the stress and depression of everyday life.”                 Tullian Tchividdian

“All the suffering, stress, and addiction comes from not realizing you already are what you are looking for.”    Jon Kabat-inn

“We have to wake up. We have to refuse to be a clone.”     Alice Walker

Sometimes I think couples fight more about whether or not their partner completed the job than what jobs they have to do. There is tons of stress today regarding what must be accomplished. It is a wonder anyone can take these tasks on never mind complete them on time and  properly. It can give one a headache regarding the amount of work one person must attempt to do.

It is never a good idea to comment on the way husbands and wives divvy up the chores. The thing to remember is that as long as they are happy the world is happy. It goes without saying that mom doesn’t always have to change the baby and dad doesn’t always have to dump the garbage. That is a good thing. At least when the jobs are divided it allows one to choose some of the jobs they would prefer over other tasks. Likewise it gives both parties some control over what they are doing versus being expected to do the “man” or “woman” chores. Continue reading

A Child’s Perception Of Shattered

“Finding beauty in a broken world is creating beauty in the world we find.”
Terry Tempest Williams

“You are the bow from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.”   Khalil Gibran

“Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution.”    Khalil Gibran

After a divorce many parents introduce a new man or woman into the young child’s life immediately, without any regard to time and effort. Pacing the acceptance by the child, for this new individual we introduce into their lives, is crucial. It certainly is more thoughtful to allow the child time, to be acquainted with this new person, before they are having breakfast at the kitchen table. Other parents declare a divorce, and the arrival of a new half sibling at the same time.

Poor behavior at school may immediately occur. When there is a fear of losing the love of special people, children shut down and melt down. Fighting, anger, and divorce are ripping our children’s hearts to shreds. Divorce is one major outside force, which has far-reaching consequences. It manifests fear, anxiety anger frustration jealousy and envy into the lives of children. It cannot be underestimated, in the damages it causes to children. The effects are so extensive, that they might carry the damage throughout their lifetime. Divorce influences various areas of one’s life. Continue reading