Cancel The Worry

“That awkward moment when you  start telling a story and you realize no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend you never said anything.” teenage posts tumblr

“No one must shut his eyes and regard as non-existent the suffering of which he spared himself the sight.” Albert Schweitzer

Your chances of success in any undertaking can always be measured by your belief in yourself. ~Robert Collier

It is likely that we, the parents influence our daughters  to grow up faster than they should or need to. Our daughter does not have to be dating at thirteen. Our daughter can enjoy being a growing child. There is no need to rush into adulthood with the many issues it brings. It is irrelevant if all other children are wearing the items or dressing a certain way. Explaining our reasoning and then encouraging the acquisition of new friends if that is necessary, might be a road we need to take in order to protect our children.

Protection is truly a necessity in our world. There are too many temptations, pitfalls and exclusionary incentives that entice and trick our children. Leading the way is important. If we fear making decisions, we leave our children without the guts to stand up for what they want and believe. Being in the minority is not always a bad thing. Standing alone is not always wrong. Our children will not fear making decisions or making mistakes. They will know we are behind them and support them. Maybe we will not always support their beliefs but we will support them.Girls fear other girls who make them feel so much less of a person. The slightest bit of weight can cause disgust and emotional turmoil. It deflates the capacity to speak and act. One can become the puppet of those in power. Friends take on a more important role. If we have a close friend, we most likely don’t want to share her. If a more popular girl likes our friend we lose our friend to the more popular person. We tend to hide our friends to keep them safe.Even many adults keep their  contacts separate. We talk negatively about others that threaten our bonds  of friendship so our friend won’t be tempted to leave our bond of friendship.

Teens spend a lot of time pleasing their friend not because they value them as much as they fear losing them. If they disagree with a buddy about an issue, they are consumed with loss when their buddy stops speaking to them. They are set afloat on the high sea by themselves with no land in sight. All they can think about is how to make things right again. It is foremost on their minds and school work and parents take second place. Young people allow friends to define who they are. Friends know them best and care about them.

Actually, friends are in the same situation. They need a buddy pal or group to feel comfortable. Fear of being alone without any friends makes it extremely important to keep a friend close by. Pals experience the same fears. A lost pal causes havoc and turmoil. One can only think about finding another quickly. Because of all the divorces, friends might be the only stable source in sight at times.

Many teens dump old friends if they become accepted by a superior clique. This is not always for the better. One young girl lost her friend because she wasn’t allowed to be out as late as her friend was allowed. Her parents didn’t allow her to go to the questionable movies so gradually the young girl became ostracized. She was angry with her parents but in the long run she was protected from growing up too quickly.

Experiencing the throws of love and exhibiting a boyfriend is the essence of having succeeded as a teenage girl. This is what the media promotes and at times what parents promote unconsciously. The more popular the boy is, the more prestige the girl is awarded. What a teen looks for in a boyfriend is debatable. If society values those attributes of kindness, compassion, empathy, honesty, gentleness and humbleness, then those are the qualities our teens would look for in their friends and close friendships.

Unfortunately, if society values physical attractiveness, lust, prowess, strength, power, control, competitiveness and force, then our teens will seek these qualities in a friend or prospective mate.Most of us seek the later when we are in need and the former when we are play-acting. We question that which is real and that which is a pretend existence. The man who watches a sports program, and roots for the player who is unquestionably the best on the team, but deserted a wife and family, shouldn’t question his daughter’s choice of the star athlete who uses every girl he can.

These questionable people are similar to what we are honoring as role models. Until we change our idols, our children will continue to take our lead and honor unworthy attributes. The problems of fear begin to multiply when teenage fears cause certain behaviors and these behaviors have results. Girls act in more mature ways and end up in mature situations which can get out of control and cause harm and hardship. Coercion into drinking possibly leads to sex, drugs, pregnancy, loss of college plans and a disrespect of others. At the very least it leads to simply disliking ourselves in the morning for being out of control the night before.

A girl doesn’t want to be the only dissenting vote on drinking so she goes along with the group and hopes to modify her drinking. The trouble is she is not sure how to modify something she is inexperienced about in the first place. She has no baseline to set her modifications on. Friends will tease or cajole a more reluctant friend who decides against the majority. Most girls in the end go along with the program and believe in their hearts that they tried to do the correct thing.

Young women are convinced that they are less attractive, less intelligent, and less worthy than the popular girls. A quick look up and down or a cryptic remark about a new hair cut that doesn’t add a compliment are meant to cut and hurt and control others. It works well. Defeated young women are convinced all of it is true. They are ashamed to complain to mom and dad because they are not babies. They also know mom and dad will say they are beautiful, because they are their daughter so it doesn’t count.

The fact that young women are jealous of each other takes some young teenage girls by surprise. If they haven’t been taught how to wear make-up, or buy styles that are in vogue, they appear to be out of step. The real problem is why there is any emphasis on make-up and clothes. It is a mystery that somewhere along the line we have lost the true meanings of our lives. Because we have forgotten, we have not taught the real meanings to our children. They live in a world full of fears and they are as lost as we are.

I will never forget the comment made by a brave young woman about to have a double mastectomy. She was quick about telling the doctor she was okay with it especially where it was to survive cancer. She felt embarrassed about how easily she accepted the removal of  both breasts. She held her head downward almost in shame. Her mother chided in quickly. “You know you are worth more than your breasts. You have always known that.” The girl smiled back and replied “Yes!” She is a happy survivor of breast cancer.

Too much emphasis is placed on bodily looks. It really is the parents job to let their daughters know they are worth more than that. So  many women compete with each other and hurt each other in the process. When mom and dad set the record straight, others will fall in line. Even the finest bodies eventually deteriorate. So every woman faces the dilemma at some point in time. We are all worth so much more. It is time to prove it with our thoughts words and purchases.

“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying : I will try again tomorrow.”    Maryanne Radmacher

“Little of the great cruelty shown by men can really be attributed to cruel instinct most of it comes from thoughtlessness or inherited habit.”  Albert Schweiter

“I wish I could give him my pain just for a moment….not to hurt him, but just to make him finally understand how much he hurt me.” quotes 4smile.com

“Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one’s own sunshine.”                    Ralph Waldo Emerson

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection.” Buddha

“Of all the judgments we pass in life, none is more important than the judgment we pass on ourselves.” Nathaniel Branden

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