Suffering A Snubbing

recognize a snubbing“Envy is a littleness of soul, which cannot see beyond a certain point, and if it does not occupy the whole space, feels itself excluded.” Wm. Hazlitt (1823)

Just as easily as one can take a cookie from a child,  an adult can snub another. I have heard some say that the other person was so irritating and so they deserved the slight. Others mentioned reasons such as the dreadful qualities of pride and control  which were exhibited in the other person. Still others ascertain a troublemaker quality in the ostracized person.

I did not dare mention that sometimes it takes one to see one. Second, When anyone makes us nervous or appears to maintain more control over a situation, then our jealousy and insecurity jump in. If the truth be told we sometimes dislike people because of their good qualities. When we feel insecure that is when we prohibit another from joining. We fear the loss of power.

Any threat to our position in a relationship, place of work, or friendship will send out the barbs. It is often why mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law have problems in their relationship. both are vying for a comfortable place with the man they both love. We all do it consciously or unconsciously. We hate to use the word but jealousy rears its’ ugly head. We are all good people we just don’t always believe we are or trust in our own abilities.

If resentment builds up because we don’t want the input, help or conversation from another, we snuff the person out by ignoring them. When with our own cluster of  friends it is easier to gather group support making it a bigger statement of snubbing. Sometimes we may n ot realize what we are doing. At the time we’re gathering support for our low self-esteem. It is almost like a survival situation. We  have the beed to squelch this person to maintain our position, or so  we think.

The reality is that we have hurt another for not a legitimate reason. Probably we could not explain our actions if we had to. When threatened we fight.  snubbing is a way of fighting. The more we ignore another, the more they lose their own confidence and security. It is as if we have transferred their esteem to ourselves. Notice how the snubbed person quiets, speaks less and many times leaves the assemblage or room altogether.

If it was award winning we could pat ourselves on the back. It was a nasty way to physically remove another from a situation. They were totally demeaned, gagged and depleted of self-esteem. Now the question is was it worth it? Did we really want that result in the first place? Some might say yes others might say they didn’t care and it meant nothing. We never know the truth of our tactics because we don’t follow people around nor do we have the ability to read their minds and measure the hurt within their hearts.

Most are experts at hiding pain and honest feelings. We can wear the smile and others assume everything is alright. The body facade may be paper thin but to outsiders it looks like steel armor. We’re embarrassed enough so we won’t allow anyone access to our pain.

Conversations going back and forth between two people while a third  person stands bewildered wanting to jump in but having no opportunity are rude and inappropriate. If we enjoy another’s company we can arrange to meet at a different time. When others are present it is crucial to keep all in the circle. It is easy to slight the one older or younger person in the group. It is also easy to mount against the one person with differing opinions or ideas about anything.

Different makes for interesting and more rounded conversations. Controversial makes for lively discussions. We just need to agree to disagree and we just might hear something worth knowing. We also may learn that we don’t have the perfect way of doing something. Gathering all of the information allows us much to draw upon. Once we learn power is momentary even for leaders, we can conclude that there is no  power or winner but only our minds creating such measurements.

We can make the difference about how a person feels for the rest of the day and maybe even longer in the way we simply congeal our faces with smiles or frowns, or use our words with disdain or encouragement. We can  turn our heads away from or towards another and close our ears to  their words while exuberantly  professing our own thoughts. Lastly, we can allow jealousy free reign, or enclose any jealousy in steel and open our hearts in love.

That is our power and control because we frequently have that choice.

“Is there one word which may serve as a rule of practice for all one’s life? The Master said is not Reciprocity such a word?  What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others.”    Confucius



Break The Chains Of Worry

break chains of fear“Life is made of memorable moments. We must teach ourselves to really live…to love the journey not the destination.” Ann Quindlen

“There is  something more-the spirit, or the soul. I think that that quality encourages our courtesy and care and our minds. And mercy and identity.”    Maya Angelou

I think there could be endless discussions about fear because it consumes a huge part of our lives. We all fear so many things that they are too numerous to count. We fear our meetings with the relatives. We want the right look, the right words, and to project the right meaning. We worry if our gift is appropriate. We worry about the meaning of the gifts we receive. We fear an others remarks or jokes or slights. We tense at an others body language and question someone’s  mood.

Can anyone see a problem here? We are not in the moment. We are obviously not enjoying ourselves. We are almost being selfish in a sense because we are so caught up in the relationship another person has with us that we actually miss the reality around us. To question everyone and everything is a distrust.

Fear is a distrust no matter what the object or person. If we feel and are enjoying the present then there should be no room for doubt. Judgement goes hand in hand with fear. If everyone chose not to judge another then we might possibly live without any dread. If one thinks they are being appraised, anxiety rises to the surface.

Likewise, if we are recklessly evaluating others, then we most likely expect that others are rating us in some way. Getting rid of rankings may get rid of our distress. So what if we look older, plumper, poorer, richer, angrier, incompetent, crazy, lost and a zillion other negative attributes. Reflect for a moment. We feel this because we believe others see us like that or will conduct assessments that we have no control over. If all of us made a pact to stop our judgements of others we could stop fears. That means that  as entertaining as gossip is  spreading gossip and or listening to gossip would have to stop. It’s detrimental to the person we are talking about and more detrimental to ourselves.

It’s not easy but people might be more relaxed and enjoy those get togetherness more often if they felt no one noticed their extra pounds, extra wrinkles, last year’s clothes, gorgeous jewelry, (yes we criticize those with more money) louder voice due to our frustrations, craziness due to our burdens and tremendous work load, and repetition from our temporary or permanent taxing life of  indecision’s.

We could be ourselves at all times. We would not have to act differently with anyone or at anyplace. Maybe some solutions might even be solved. Things would be out in the open and no one would fault us. It is the perfect world of course but if we all attempted a bit more, we would be a tiny bit closer to an awesome new world.

“Action conquers fear.” Pete Zarlenga

“Each of us will one day be judged by our standard of life, not by our standard of living; by our measure of giving, not by our measure of wealth; by our simple goodness, not by our seeming greatness.” William A. Ward

Victory in Relationships

victory in relationships“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars.” E.H.Chapin

“Character is the total of thousands of small daily strivings to live up to the best that is in us.” Lt. Gen. Arthur Trudeau

“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.”
― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Even having the best relationships with family, we still fight to maintain control of our thoughts and feelings. We all want to be number one and second place is never comfortable. I am working on making it satisfying. I remember as a young adult, visiting family at a wedding or gathering. I was always the one to be present when a relative needed me, or needed to talk. My siblings appeared randomly, yet they were sought after first. It was hurtful to miss out on the talks, because my siblings overshadowed me. They got the attention, big hugs and kisses, and the plans to get together. In the meantime, I was basically out in the cold, and unnoticed. At the next function of course, I would be the only attendee and the relatives were glad to see me.

Suffice it to say, I never received any attention if my siblings chose to randomly appear at a family gathering. I understood logically why they were welcomed so much, because they were missing at most of the other gatherings. Like the prodigal son, everyone was happy at their momentary return. As much as all of us get the idea of it, we still anger inside at our quick displacement. It occurred to me how many times we all do this to each other. We owe a tremendous amount of gratitude to others, yet we disregard the simple things. The mundane tasks we received from them quite often go unnoticed.

The excitement of the new arrival, makes us disregard the silent dependable person, that we easily relegated to the background without any thought. I have been at both ends of it, and see some reasons, and some dilemmas with it. We’re looking for acknowledgement of who we are, from others. We define ourselves through the eyes of others. We want the quick stamp of approval, and yearn to be part of that persons life or group. Because of our own insecurities, we must be accepted by others in order to feel worthy.

Being so caught up in sensitive feelings, permits us little time to reflect on the many experiences we enjoyed with this group. We love the good times spent with them, even if they took us for granted. However, we decide to decline attending the next invitation, and make a silly excuse.

Perhaps at some moment, we recall the time our relative appeared at one of our parties. Wow we hadn’t seen him for years. It was a wonderful night, full of catching up. We stop and become aware and alarmed at how we spent little time with other family members that night. Suddenly we understnd the hurt we may have caused others. It causes us to change our mind, get dressed and hurry to the party.

We’ve probably all experienced the slight when a newcomer arrives, a popular character comes on the scene, or a long lost relative shows up. we’ve most likely experienced being the excited family member who ignores the regulars for the lost sheep. It works both ways, and doesn’t have much to do with love hate or meanness. In the end those who frequently  attend the party, have the most to recall and many more shared smiles and laughs to warm their hearts.

We are worthy. We are unique. We are not defined by what others think of us or do for us. We are defined by our freedom to make decisions. We can elect to stay home and miss the party. We would be missed and the next time probably get a lot of attention. Question is, do we want to miss a great social just to smooth our emotional state?

 For me it reinforces, that I am striving to accept what I cannot change. Therefore if I am relegated to second or third place in any or all relationships, I must attempt to deal with that. Those that I love have my unconditional love. That means they don’t have to earn it. They don’t have to indulge or please me. They can hurt my feelings and I will forgive them and continue to love them with my whole heart. It’s not about me and my feelings. It’s about my unconditional love for them.

Do I fall short, yes. When I am hurt do I come back for more, yes. Is it worth the effort, yes. Am I improving, yes. Our lives on earth are about learning how to love, truly love unconditionally. When we get it, and learn it, we come to realize everyone is our family. What a wonderful world we would have, or create, if that could become a reality.

“Not in the clamor of the crowded street, nor in the shouts or plaudits of the throng, but in ourselves are triumph and defeat.”

“Very often a change of self is needed more than a change of scene.”  Arthur Christopher Benson

“When you’re different, sometimes you don’t see the millions of people who accept you for what you are. All you notice is the person who doesn’t.”
― Jodi Picoult,

“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.”
― Lao Tzu

Control Worry; Find Contentment

Not fear but worry“It is not work that kills men but worry. Work is healthy; you can hardly put more on a man than he can bear. But worry is rust upon the blade, it is not movement that destroys the machinery but friction.” Anonymous

“There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships, and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; It is a sword that kills.”  Buddha

When we fear, we are defeated. We pay a price for what might never happen. We waste the present for a conjured up future. We doubt our own ability for a brighter day. Most of us are too busy living in the future and have little time to enjoy the present. Measuring ourselves against others is a waste of time. It only encourages despondency.

It is not that we cannot measure up to others. It is simply because we perceive an answer that is truly clouded in a shroud of mystery. We are making it up as we go along. We have an others life envisioned in our minds and expanded beyond truth. We pay the price of envy and jealousy by fearing our own inabilities and destroying our own striving towards success. In effect we have given up the fight and surrendered before we began the challenge.

It can’t be said enough that life is not about winners or losers. Life is striving for complacency and peacefulness. It’s about appreciating what we possess and truly being totally happy with what we enjoy. It’s recognizing how much we received. Doing an inventory of the people we love and the things we cherish might be a reminder of how blessed and fortunate we really are.

Striving to foster more spirituality is a greater goal than reaching for more material objects. If one observes those who own a tremendous about of articles, one notices that it is never enough and those people are ruthlessly determined to acquire still more material items. Does it end? Do we ever feel content? I believe contentment is the essence of success. Those who cherish what they have are happier than those who believe they need more.

A spiritual  person once said  “Don’t ever let “things” own you, you should own the things.” As soon as you can’t do without some item it owns you. If you can let material things go by the wayside, then they don’t own you. Our thoughts can then reflect on a higher good and a higher self. Strive to be a better you and help others to do the same. Think of it like a boat taking on water. If we work together delegating some to empty out the water, while others row, we’ll make it to shore. Even if the rowers are stronger the ones dumping out water are priceless and needed.

If we decide we’ve done enough and that other people over there should do the job, or that either faction is not needed, then we’ll all sink. So what if we worked harder or longer or faster. We all made it safely to shore. Would it have pleased us to be swallowed up by the water? Of course not we say. Yet we compete and fear losing or not measuring up to another. Our goal must be to gain a happy spirit. Not even appreciating but recognizing just how wonderful our life actually is  unites us and brings peace. and fearless life. 

You will find happiness in your heart and mind. Nothing makes one happier than when they have brought it to another. If in doubt, try it and experience the result. Even if the other person was not as pleased as we expected, we will still have found the love and peace of self.

“Sometimes our candle goes out, but is blown into flame by an encounter with another human being.”     Albert Schweitzer

“I have learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our disposition, and not on our circumstances.” Martha Washington

“To get the full value of joy, you must have someone to divide it with.”

Mark Twain

Disappointment Eats Up Energy

97RePmTc3r_1388806008644 dissappointment really deplets energy“We learn to walk by stumbling.” Bulgarian Proverb

“courage is not limited to the battlefield. The real tests of courage are much quieter. They are the inner tests, like enduring pain when the room is empty, or standing alone when you’re misunderstood.” Charles Swindoll

With the party over, are you left with the disappointment? It goes across the board regarding gifts, missed opportunities for chatting with a certain relative, and believing our feelings have been totally disregarded. When people gather together the scene is set for total confusion, chaos and misunderstandings. Our minds are thinking about who we want to talk to and what we need to say to someone and questions we want to ask. What happens is we never get the opportunity to discuss anything with the person we wanted to talk to. We forgot to ask our questions and we never received any answers because someone interrupted us. This might sound familiar.

Gifts are kind of like that. We may have been disappointed but I would venturethat others probably were unhappy with the gifts we gave. Some people grumble to the world which is a bad idea because the negativity bounces back at us. Other people expect a return and still others pretend they liked the gift and then give it away or regift it. The point is that we all have our disappointments. If we want to complain about it to others we are making it bigger than it needs to be and giving life to an unimportant issue.

Many of us who experience a happy situation go home and may not think about it again. The opposite is true when we have a problem we didn’t like. Sometimes we can’t let it go and yet that is what we need to do.Freeing ourselves from the negativity releases a burden and opens us up to happier and more positive things in life. Free will, allows us to search and concentrate on positive things rather than reviewing and remembering negative things.

If we created a tally list of pros and cons in the course of our day we would find the optimistic definitely outweigh the adverse. If they don’t then we need help in learning how to seek out and find the cheerful happenings in our life. People are not out to get us or hurt us. People do care but at times may be distracted. Gifts and advice is given according to another’s likes and desires. People are on the same journey as we are and might even be better at hiding their  problems or tears.

It might be easy to talk about how awful and difficult it was for our child to suffer a broken leg. We would commisserate. It might not be as easy to talk about a child who is on drugs and about to enter a rehab clinic. We are human and we all suffer hurts and scars. We can complain about the effects of aging but many times out of embarrassment we won’t mention our husband or wife is having an affair or constantly flirting with younger women. The issues are limitless. To save our dignity we don’t divulge our deepest darkest secrets. If the truth was told there are more people who have shared a similar situation as ours than not.

Take all of this into account and understand why someone went to a store and bought an object based on what they liked instead of what we would have wanted. Comprehend the magnitude of swirling pressures another endures. Just because they let us down, I’d guess maybe they are trying to keep themselves upright at the moment so we need to give them a break.

We just don’t ever see the magnitude of the worries of another person which is why it is awesome to support another when we can. We have our own issues so simply accepting another as they are is actually helping them. People know if you are disappointed with them for some reasons. Don’t put that on someone and you have eased a tremendous amount of anxiety. The smiling faces and displays of bravado might also be a way someone hides true feelings. It can be an escape. It boils down to judgement. We all need to stop judging.

By bringing anger into a situation we have built the mountain which we must climb over rather than deal with the mole hill which is easier to cross. If it is all about feelings of love or hate then ask yourself this, do you love others? If you do then it is probably reciprocal. We receive what we are sending out. If others love us then they are not deliberately hurting us and to think otherwise is to cause us more hurt. We are choosing the hurt in many situations. Choose instead to reduce stress in your life. Give others a timeout and especially allow yourself a breather.

Focus on a time you caused another, unintentional pain, remember how sad it made you feel and how much you wanted the other person to grasp your difficulties. Remember and grant others the forgiveness you sought for yourself. It comes back on us. If we slam the door, prepare one day for it to likewise slam on us.

“To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee.” William H. Walton

“Hope works in these ways: it looks for the good in people instead of harping on the worst; it discovers what can be done instead of grumbling about what cannot; it regards problems, large or small, as opportunities; it pushes ahead when it would be easy to quit; it “lights the candle” instead of “cursing the darkness.” Anonymous

Consider What Counts

what counts“You give but little when you give of your own possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.” Kahil Gibran

We search for things all the time. We can never seem to get everything done by the end of the day. We think, maybe if I try harder tomorrow or give up some lunch time or get out earlier from work or get up earlier etc. We’re all lacking time yet we are not so worried about time. It’s as if we want all their is in the amount of time we get in a day.

If you ask a wife or a husband what they would like from their spouse it will most likely be time alone. Children ask parents to watch, look listen help and play. On the worst day at work we might be thinking about when it is time to go home and see our loved ones. The key word is time yet we abuse it misuse it and waste it. When we get time we forget all the good thoughts we had about what is important in our lives and instead begin to focus on what we should or need to do. So we understand the problem but what is the answer?

I think we need to pay attention to what we know is important. That is what we think about in our worst states of mind. People are what counts. One must begin thinking about people and how important they are to us.The sink, laundry, shopping housecleaning computer phone calls, texts and papers can literally wait. People should never have to place second to any of these devices swallowing up our time. If we lined all our items of ownership alongside the people we love, most people would likely choose the people they love if given only one choice.

We spend so much time doing all those other things. What never seems to get accomplished is TIME for PEOPLE. It’s never too late to change our habits. Put those you love first in your life. If you only have a limited time never cut it from your loved ones. You will find relationships stronger and connections to your children stronger to the point that you may not have the problems you had with the kids when you didn’t have time for them. Marriage problems ease, child issues get resolved quicker and somehow when you go to bed at night you don’t feel guilty. Those unimportant things can wait.

You have taken care of the main things in your life. Suddenly you might discover that your life appears to be flowing smoother and you wonder why. Maybe it is because you have chosen wisely in the way you decided to spend your time.

“Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.” Albert Einstein

Is Personal Blame Obsolete?

blame“Remember people will judge you  by your actions not your intentions. Yo may have a heart of gold but so does a hard boiled egg.”  Maya Angelou

“Not in the clamor of the crowded streets not in the shouts and plaudits of the throng, but in ourselves are triumph and defeat.” Henry W. Lonfgellow

As I listened to the news about another person suing someone for something I was astounded. I wondered if we lost the capacity to accept blame. If this is true then we have lost responsibility, accountability and maturity. When, I thought, is it our fault?

Nobody likes to be at fault at home work or when we are on our own time. We feel diminished, with a lack of authority and control. Actually we prove our lack of power when we can never accept guilt for anything because making decisions means making mistakes and taking liability. One can’t have control without the blame for the outcome. Being the chief comes with its’ downside.

If we are secure we tolerate mistakes at times because we are praised most of the time. We now appear to live in a society that wants control but no blame when things go wrong. When kids fail at school it is the teachers fault. If our child stole something, maybe the storekeeper shouldn’t have left such a tempting item within a child’s reach. A medical condition gone awry is certainly the doctor’s fault even though I skipped a few pills. In divorce cases we blame those heartless lawyers who set the wrong parameters on child custody.  Coaches really should produce superstar athletes of every player. The list can go on.

If we thought long and hard about this we acknowledge our place as the parents to teach instruct motivate and instill values to solve any or all of these problems. Kids should be taught to respect the property of others and not steal. Homework should be checked at night and shoddy work brought home from school reviewed. Investigate good doctors and remember they are not miracle workers. Some conditions especially in the elderly, are not going to be remedied. Lawyers are not the parents. They don’t know us personally so they attempt the best deal possible given the evidence submitted in court.

To survive in our society we must take answer-ability for our own lives. We are the writers of it. Think like a chess player. If you are at a party and drink too much you shouldn’t drive. I realize a friend shouldn’t allow you to drive but if they are truly unaware of the amount of your consumption, you must and really should monitor your own behavior. Do we all need a guard following us around? Are we adults yet?

I sometimes see this as a disregard of accountability. It allows us to be kids forever. It places at times, innocent bystanders at our mercy. I know this is an exaggeration and there are irresponsible teachers, doctors, lawyers coaches  and storekeepers as well as in any other field of work. There are also  irresponsible parents. It is difficult to listen to so many people complain  about what should be done. I don’t see them jumping in to volunteer. It is as they say, the Monday quarterback. We  can all have the right answer after it is made known to us.

I remember on the ambulance as an EMT, at times wishing to have a medic on board, which didn’t always happen, but it was great because it alleviated having to make critical decisions. You see the medic would take the blame. It simply makes our life easier. The trouble is we have reached a crises state where we don’t even want to be liable for our own lives and our kids lives. We want to throw the ball to somebody else.

If we don’t like something then we can speak up or do something about it. Don’t wait and then blame somebody else. We should all share the work and fault. Help to make things better not through criticism but by working for better schools, doctors, coaches. Just remember to include all of us parents in the mix. It is time we picked up that ball and took some responsibility.

“The dream doesn’t lie in victimization or blame; it lies in hard work, determination, and a good education.” Alphonso Jackson

“Human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind.”      William  James

Keep Goals Firm, Disregard Doubts

keep goals firm“Without involvement there is no commitment. Mark it down, asterisk it, circle it, underline it. No involvement no commitment.” Stephen Covey

Many of us have already set New Year’s resolutions. Most of us would agree that we will most likely not achieve them. That is the problem. If you think you can’t achieve a goal then you are probably correct. In order to attain anything, we need to believe we can do it. Surprisingly, most things we set our mind to do, we are capable of doing. Believing we can is the factor. Often the goals are too difficult or unrealistic to achieve immediately or without setbacks along the way. As a result, we release our goals and efforts as soon as we cave. This is a mistake. Nothing great is accomplished the first time trying. Think about the baby steps. Every time we succeeded a bit more than the day before.

Giving up on anything seals our fate regarding that issue. With a bit more effort maybe our marriage will succeed. Trying harder may help us to have more patience or tolerance. Another attempt at reconciliation with a friend or family member just might be the cure. Refraining from judgement when we slip back on our trials with an addiction, allows us the will and ambition to try again with more vigor. I equate abandoning our goals with coping out. We set our goals, break them and then leave them behind as pointless.

This is so sad. We can achieve them with time, patience, effort and above all else forgiveness. When an athlete is attempting to improve his skill or speed he chops away at this problem day after day. There might be times when he observes a backward result but he never loses his or her focus. With each and every trial, what seemed an impossible task, is accomplished and progress is made. It is true that maybe we fall a little short of one hundred percent of our goal but how much further did we take ourselves from the starting point. There is always room for growth. Believing in ourselves will keep us trying for the 100% goal.

There will always be people who will discourage us from our goals. Maybe that’s because it places them in the position of facing their own lack of effort. You disturb their peacefulness of stagnation. Every effort great or small needs to begin with our determination to make a difference and make a change in a situation. We are never disappointed because we will never end up in the same place we were before the effort. Take the risk, set the bar as lofty as you choose and begin your journey towards your goals.

You are looking for small changes that will eventually evolve into a major change. In all of our accomplishments. We will be proud of our efforts instead of disappointed with our failures. So concentrate on the goal, the efforts, and the small changes. Forget about the time, failures and setbacks. Three steps forward and two steps back still leaves you with one step ahead. You without a doubt can do it. The most difficult challenging and stressful piece of all of this is the start.

“The strongest warriors are these two…time and patience.” Leo Tolstoy

“Many of life’s failures are people who do not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” Thomas Edison

Roads That Lead Nowhere

roads that lead no where“Life is no straight and easy corridor along which we travel free and unhampered, but a maze of passages, through which we must seek our way, lost and confused, now and again checked in a blind alley. But always, if we have faith, a door will open for us, not perhaps one that we ourselves would ever have thought of, but one that will ultimately prove good for us.” A. J. Cronin

“You may encounter many defeats but you must not be defeated. In fact it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are , what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”    Maya Angelou

I have recently been the recipient of 3 young peoples’ cries for help. It seems to be an epidemic. Young people get so lost in their unhappiness and powerlessness that they spiral downward quickly. Maybe it is time for all of us to recognize the needs and implores of others. Sometimes through helping another, we can also help ourselves. So many feel trapped in an existence that they cannot control or change. Of course this isn’t always the case but if one believes it to be true then for all intensive purposes it is. We need to break the spiral by recognizing the triggers sooner and intervening.

Life is almost impossible to take. At times many of us think it is too difficult. That is when we should ask for help. We need a listening ear, a comforting embrace outside intervention or a new frame of mind. It doesn’t need to be life threatening but for those, who view the world narrowly, it might be. They can’t see beyond the mountains they can’t climb. One day they might fly over these mountains but for the moment they or we are trapped.

As adults we need to take cries for help from young people seriously. A young person laments not having a girlfriend or boyfriend. It may  to us appear to be meaningless. To them it is heartbreaking and diminishing. They feel like they are a loser and they turn to outside things to make the pain disappear if only for a short while.

Sometimes parents think in time they’ll get over it and so little attention is paid to this situation. I am not blaming parents by any means and many times even with total intervention the situation gets worse. But for those situations that might get better with immediate attention, I suggest a focusing in on a child or teens problem. They may not whine or complain but they will appear unhappy and withdrawn. Pay attention.

Waiting is not an answer. Step in right away. Don’t worry about appearing foolish. Better to be foolish and mistaken than lax and have a major problem. One needs to put other issues aside and deal with what is at hand. Partial or small attention to the matter will not get it resolved. Your full focus must be given. Place its’ importance high. Talk talk talk with your child, and spend time with them. Don’t assume they are okay  when they tell you to deal with your own business.  Continue to remain resolute. Keep your attention on them resolute.

Find groups or sports or community activities for them to be a part of depending on their likes. Join something together if you can. Work on a project together and discuss other options in their lives. Do a clean up of the town,  volunteer or coach a younger group of kids with them, encourage them to join a fire department explorer group or get them a job. The point is they need to feel wanted, appreciated and substantiated. They need to feel worthwhile. We all need to feel this. They are in crises at the moment so it is more important for their needs to come first even before our pleasures or downtime.

Search, ask questions, never say I’ve tried everything because you haven’t and the stakes are too high to stop or let go. Diverting attention to a worthier cause or effort will redefine who they are. It might take a long time in the struggle and an abundance of effort on our part, but we will possibly have the results we strive for. If any person close to us, be it child or adult, is in an inner conflict, it becomes necessary for us to get involved in any manner that we can to remedy the situation. If it is ourselves that has the problem, recognize it and seek help immediately. Like clouds on a rainy day, it will pass in time and the sun will shine again.

We all have times when life appears to offer us confusion. If it overwhelms us then we find ourselves in a fog of confusion. It is difficult to find the right path even when we are searching. Our minds get clouded and our judgement is poor. At those times leave the big decisions for another day and consult with those you trust. If you are the recipient of the trust, consider yourself chosen to have such a powerful role in aiding another human being in their search to find peace security wholeness and most importantly their place in this big confusing harsh world.

“Progress always involves risks. You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.” Frederick Wilcox

“Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated failures. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.” Calvin Coolidge

Language Destroys

language kills like a sharp knife“The tongue like a sharp knife… Kills without drawing blood.”     Buddha

“A man’s character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.”    Mark Twain

It is assumed that any kind of speech is acceptable in any kind of situation. Many people are forced to be the recipients of such language. At times, innocent children, not even having a quarter of their growth completed, are subjected to the foulest of language and are at the mercy of people they love. Language can be used to profess love and kindness and support and sympathy. It may also be used to foster negativity as well a dehumanization of one’s life and soul.

Words cannot be taken back on a brighter day. They can’t be reformulated or recalculated. Words that cut into the heart of a child are forever scripted on their hearts. Whenever we are angry we need to think and reconsider what we would like to say before we say it. Improper language serves to demean a child more than parents are possibly aware. Proper care of our children includes sparingly using disparaging remarks.

Students are constantly given office referrals for foul language. Some manage to use obscene language on a regular basis. The question becomes, who should be getting the detention? Children imitate us completely. The way we treat our spouses or our children is the way we will witness our children’s treatment of other human beings. A constant onslaught of vulgar language used regularly on our children will provide them with a candid vocabulary that has the ability to incapacitate others. Somehow it doesn’t seem plausible that we want to bequeath such an abomination to our children.

Children are great imitators. They will repeat our every action and word. It behooves us to pay attention to our own manners. We can’t ask our children to do as we say but not as we do. We need to be attuned to our own deeds.

We certainly can’t pretend surprise when we receive a phone call from school pertaining to our child’s profane mouth. We need to take steps to clean up our own jargon and make it more of a goal to speak in more civil ways.

Some of our concerns should be kept quiet and not be spoken in front of our children. Parents appear to speak in front of or with their children about adult problems or topics. Any teacher might share days when she or he became unwittingly privy to private conversations spoken between two adults. Most teachers instruct the child to keep it confidential.

Adult subjects need to be kept between adults. Just because we are upset or angry or unhappy does not give us permission to discuss matters that are of little or no concern to the children. Reflect on what this does to the child. Deliberate about the worries we place needlessly on our child’s psyche. Loud conversations might be transferred to another room, out of earshot of the children. Our child has the right  to be a child. We do not want our agonizing situations to cause our children to fret or fixate on these issues.

Treating our children roughly applies to speech. Children receive a mixed message. One second we’re expressing love for them but the next second our speech is hurtful and harsh. The vocabulary we choose to use on our children will stay with them, and they in turn will use it for their own use. If profane talk is the constant dialect used at home, it should come as no shock that the child is expressing it at school.

“Abuse is abuse; Be nice..harsh words don’t break bones but they often break hearts.”    Rev Run

“Children seldom misquote you. In fact they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.”    Unknown