Gain Respect With Love Not Fear

Gain Respect“Respect is for those who deserve it not for those who demand it.” Unknown”

Respect people’s feelings even if it doesn’t mean anything to you, it could mean everything to them.” Unknown

“Nothing is more despicable than respect based on fear.” Albert Camus

Most people with any kind of authority, gain their respect from fear, not from love. If we think  about this for a moment, we srecognoze the truth in those words. I think those in power use fear, because they don’t know how to do it with mutual caring. They do not trust, they will like their underlings tomorrow. They just can’t get too close, and then discover, they have to dismiss someone. It appears more reasonable, to simply use fear to keep everyone in line.

Regardless of your job, the boss usually spreads fear when he is around. I really find this so sad and not at all helpful to gaining a better work force. It is like having kids do things out of fear, rather than out of love. When we care about others, we work harder and longer for them if it helps them, and makes them happy. If we are working out of fear, we quit at the  designated time, and turn our backs readily and easily. There is no love lost. I would prefer the worker who chose to be a partner in the job, rather than the subjugated person, who is anxious to get away.

The same is true with marriages. If their is mutual respect, then each party registers a vote on major issues, and even smaller ones. By discussing the pros and cons, they come to a decision. Neither of the parties is staying in the marriage, out of necessity, or fear of being on their own. Each chooses to be involved, and each has confidence in themselves. I think we lose some confidence as workers, or spouses, when we are nervous about treading on the boss’ or spouse’s ideas or wants. It places one in a precarious position. i love it when a boss asks for an opinion, when he has  already voiced his or hers. I would venture to say, that few people would support an opposing position.

Maybe it supports the boss’ feelings, that he or she is being fair and honest. It alleviates their conscience when they  believe they have the representation of their workers. They are not fooling those hired,  who would prefer not to be involved at all, in the decision making. They question the safety of their job, should they make a mistake, and say or do something that would hurt their position. The boss would do them a favor, if he or she simply left them alone, and trusted them to do their jobs. As much as we would like to offer opinions, unless identities are carefully maintained, transparency is out of the question.

The  boss who wants true connections, makes the effort to know his colleagues, and be aware of their problems at work. By offering some help, or aid, the boss is extending his genuine concern. When those in charge are just out to find fault, to rid the place of some workers, then they permeate the atmosphere with dread. If they can’t support in a positive, non threatening manner, they might as well ignore those who work for them.

i don’t understand why more people in power, have not comprehended why some people will go to great lengths to help some bosses,  while gossiping about others. They can’t see the discrepancies. One perhaps is kind honest, respectful and concerned with his people. The other is just making money and hardly knows, never mind understands, those beneath him or her. I think a person must take some time and effort, to get to know others in the general atmosphere. Not everyone is willing to give the time and effort it takes, especially if they deem these people as less than worthy.

The same holds true in other facets of life. A teacher needs to respect the child’s parents. If she offers various times to meet with them, and a variety of avenues,  then the ball is in the parents court. The parents should respect the teacher, who also has a life, home and family. Each should have respect and concern regarding the others needs and wants. By compromising and being on the same page, a compromise, that is beneficial to the child, can be attained.

The parent child relationship is no different. Parents sometimes believe, that because they are the parent, they have the right to act, speak and behave in any manner they choose. Yes, they can do that, but not without repercussions. If we choose to ignore and hurt, by our words and actions, our kids will suffer a lack of parental control. Disciplining with love, provides unconditional love. the child will always have faith in their parents’ love.

Children begin trusting their parents at a very young age. This faith continues as  long as their is no fear and lots of respect and love. When kids are older, they  will trust their parents with the big stuff, because they were able to trust them with the small stuff. The faith has been built up. The esteem comes, when kids trust their  parents, will always respond in a fair way. Parents respond with love, openness and fairness. Kids know that nothing they  can do will change their parents love. That is the most awesome feeling in the world. So if you want to have great communication with your children, start when they are young, and exhibit love and respect for them, and you will  receive it in return.

 Treat people the way you  want to be treated. Talk to people the way you want to be talked to. respect is earned not given.” Unknown

“A meaningful life is not being rich, being popular, being highly educated, or being perfect…It is about being real, being humble,  being strong and being able to share ourselves and touch the lives of others…It is only then that we could have a full, happy and contented life.”  Mar Razalan

Faith in Your Ability

Adequacy“Verily the lust for comfort murders the passion of the soul, and then walks grinning in the funeral.”    Khalil Gibran

“Faith is a knowledge within i the heart beyond the reach of proof.”    Khalil Gibran

Suppose we were seated in a large stadium area amongst various people of a variety of ages and walks of life and were given this message, “There is a huge crises and the qualified people need to step forward. We require those with strong character, confidence in their own ability to lead and inspire, and especially persons with a loving heart.” There most likely would be just a handful if any people who would stand up.

I don’t view this as there being a lack of qualified people as much as a lack of us knowing and trusting in the abilities we have. I am convinced we are our own worst critic. We, including myself, judge ourselves harshly and we honestly believe we are not anything to brag about. If they need someone of character ability or kindness hey need to grab that woman or man over there. This made me review my thinking about what merits any of us have.

At any given moment in time we may be filled with goodness and a desire to help others yet at other more crushing times we fall and fail under any pressure. So the reason why we believe we are not capable or worthy is because we only remember the times we were defeated, sometimes by our own will. If we stop focusing on the negative we might begin to see the positive aspects of ourselves. Then when we are called out to perform in any way our potentials will stand out stronger in our minds and our so called detriments will be overshadowed.

Having failures in life is actually a good thing. When we fail it forces us to pick ourselves up and begin again as well as contemplate how we will do it. Perhaps we are tossed out of our comfort zone and sent off in a new direction. Reflecting on the numerous choices surrounding us as well as the unavoidable changes, we comprehend the huge portion of teaching moments available to us in any given defeat.

We need forgiveness, understanding, courage, faith, and hope. There is also love of self because if we didn’t think we were worth it we would give it all up and refuse to try. Now that sounds like a hero to me. Anyone who keeps getting back into the fight makes more of an effort than any hero.  Those who have fallen understand what it feels like to fail, how difficult it is to get back up and how slowly changes happen. Failure requires courage of character to attempt another road. It forces us to face adversity with pride. It teaches patience, respect tolerance towards others who suffer a similar fate and love for self and others which inspires us to do better.

Sometimes with failure we are led into an entirely new realm. Maybe we find ourselves so to speak. Other times failure may force us to make changes in our desires, jobs, and within our emotional, physical mental or spiritual realms. Strength undoubtedly rises and propels us into an unknown world. That takes so much courage to withstand the apprehensiveness of the situation and continue in a forward resolve.

If we were watching this as a movie we would be encouraging this hero to go for it and not give up. This is what we do on a daily basis but we don’t recognize it in ourselves. How difficult it is to observe what we are in its entirety. The real heroes are those who choose to keep advancing no matter how difficult it is or how slowly they make any progress. They just don’t give up. Most if not all of us are like that but we spend so much time discovering our failures and attributes we are lacking, we forget about all the qualities and virtues that make us so special.

That is why we cheer for the passerby who catches the child from a window during a blazing fire, or the person who rushes to a burning car to get the people out. These people are you and I. Just because we are never given those types of circumstances to act on, we are still capable and withstand other situations in our lives that call for strength and self-sacrificing.

I see young men and women who work long hours, go home to a crying baby and or cranky children and cook and care for the kids by feeding, washing and reading to their kids on a daily basis. The next morning, headache, or any kind of an ache, does not deter them from going to work and beginning another daily grind. They do this because they love their kids and their life.

But they don’t see themselves as an awesome person. They would probably argue they were not special as they recall the previous day, when they were crabby and didn’t have an abundance of patience. On the other hand today they are attempting again to do better and keep the peace. Everyone knows how difficult it is to overcome moods, stresses, and burdens on a regular basis. It is sometimes the short term goals that are difficult to attain.

Maybe by accepting and appreciating our talents and abilities we will be quicker to act on them and with them. It will foster greater understanding of our potential, instead of sitting back and allowing others to take control and doing what needs to be done. We will be ready willing and able to shine and offer our own assets.

We do have what it takes to save ourselves and others. Our persona is credible as is our intrinsic worth. Never doubt yourself especially when the going gets tough. Your ability and strength is within and available whenever it is needed. You prove yourself worthy every day. Accept that you have what it takes and the facts are evident in your everyday living and giving to others. Now of course it means that when we are seated in a large stadium area amongst various people of a variety of ages and walks of life and are given this message, “There is a huge crises and the qualified people need to step forward,” We must count ourselves among the candidates.

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars.”    Khalil Gibran

“March on. Do not tarry. To go forward is  to move toward perfection. March on and fear not the thorns, or the sharp  stone’s on life’s path.”    Khalil Gibran

“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.”    Khalil Gibran

Hope Requires Long Term Faith

hope is longterm faith“In every CHOICE that we choose, There’s always a RISK; But always remember that there’s also a chance”    Kent Solatorio Lopez

“Intuition does not denote something contrary to reason, but something outside of the province of reason.”    C.G. Jung

“In accepting that suffering is a part of your daily existence, you could begin by examining the factors that normally give rise of feelings of discontent and mental unhappiness.”    Dalai Lama Xiv

“We must recognize that the suffering of one person or one nation is the suffering of humanity.”    Dalai Lama Xiv

Most people who face disappointments in varying degrees, continue to endorse their hope, until they are fed up waiting, and believe they deserve answers. The trouble with hope is we all want our solutions immediately, and without pain or frustration. Perhaps hope should be placed in a pill bottle. It might state clearly, we will find our rainbow, but only after the storm or storms.

If we lose confidence, which is so easy to do, considering the obstacles we must overcome, we give up the search of finding what we need or desire. Maintaining our hope takes all the strength we can muster. On certain days we hold our heads high, and we tolerate the uncertainty of our lives. We have faith in overcoming adversity, and work hard to make progress towards that goal. On other days we fall to pieces, or lament our predicament. It is possible for us, to be overcome with doubt and fear.

We all know which days fit into which category, and we have likely all experienced both kinds of days. I question  why it is we can sail through some days, and be dead in our tracks on other days. I think it has to do with the strength, and depth of our expectation. Our anticipation may have to be of a long term nature. It might be so far into the future, that we despair, long before it finally comes to fruition.

Most people admit, they are optimistic at the beginning, of any given difficult situation. Keeping that hope burning long term, is not as simple nor as easy. We face tremendous difficulties, too numerous to count, and too varied. No matter who or what the reason is, we experience a crushing feeling. It is our concern, and it makes no difference what others think or believe. We simply have our own prisons, which envelope us, and keep us locked from happiness.

Sometimes there are answers we don’t like, or understand. Sometimes we just have to wait awhile, before hearing good news. How long we wait and suffer, depends on situations that are out of our control. Many times wishes might have to include, how we judge a situation, learn to adjust to it, and then fix it in a way we can deal with it. I know in my heart, that is so much easier said than done.

The loss of those we love, through death, divorce or physical mental or emotional separation, is deeply cutting. Death is devastating, and difficult to heal from if one ever can. The rest can be wounding, but without hope, there may not be the chance to defeat the adversity, and move ourselves forward. I think in those situations, we can find alternatives to our yearned for answers. Being open  to alternative solutions, allows us to observe another picture of the world, that we hadn’t really noticed.

Many young individuals searching for love, become discouraged or demolished, when their supposedly true love deserts them. They can’t see a future without this other person. The reality is, they haven’t yet tried. It may take a lot of time and effort, but new beginnings surface, that may  not have ever seemed possible. Of course one must keep their  eyes and their hearts, opened.  if instead a despondent person stays home, and secludes themselves from the world, then only loneliness fills their hearts and overtakes them with despair.

Sometimes one just needs to get out into the world, look around, become involved, and let things happen. If we are confused about choices, it might be best to use our intuition, along with our hearts, and see what occurs. Many times our hope will guide us in the right direction. By being open to many answers, we are privy to a myriad of outcomes. The solutions may not be of the nature we planned, but with reflection we realize they are results that bring us contentment.

If we are open to many conclusions, we will be less disheartened with results. Our hope will be expanded, and answers will seem to fall around us. Hope doesn’t always give us what we specifically asked for, but it answers us and gives us inspiration to want to continue our journeys. It gives us the strength and courage to believe, we have purpose and meaning. The world needs us in it, even if we don’t see that picture yet.

Most of us lose our faith, because others have hurt us in one way or another, or life itself has wounded us. Hope gives us the will to get over the obstruction, or if not over it or around it, then through it. Our hope is only latent, when we sit and begin thinking we have none. We have ourselves, our love, our mind and body and spirit. We are more than our mind and body and emotions. We have souls which can overcome adversities. We have so much more power and strength, than we can imagine.

Don’t give up your life or your goals when struck down. there is hope of a better day. In our fast paced lives we are used to quick answers, and solutions to any problem. We get instant satisfaction for health, finances, work, pleasure and any material object. Our emotional lives are more complicated. Tending to heartaches of any kind, are not easily or sometimes ever soothed. Hope  still resonates in most situations. Being open to some changes in what we want in our lives, might be necessary, but in the process may bring us more satisfaction. It might be that we must wait awhile, and look for an evolved kind of answer to our hope, but if we search, we will find peace.

“The greatest discovery of any generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering the attitudes of their minds.”    Albert Schweitzer

“The least of things with a meaning is worth more in life than the greatest of things without it.”    C.G. Jung

“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”    C.G. Jung

Fathers and Sons

fathers and sons“Being a father has been, without a doubt, my greatest source of achievement, pride and inspiration. Fatherhood has taught me about unconditional love, reinforced the importance of giving back and taught me how to be a better person.”    Naveen Jain

“I don’t even know how to speak up for myself, because I don’t really have a father who would give me the confidence or advice.”     Eminem

“A dad is someone who holds you when you cry, scolds you when you break the rules, shines with pride when you succeed, and has faith in you even when you fail.” coolnsmart

I think it can be extremely difficult to maintain the father son relationship, throughout the teen years and early twenties. Boys have been instilled with the attitude of dominance and winning. As much as we like to think otherwise, one only needs to check how many men watch sports of one kind or another. Men are in the majority of jobs with authority. They rule because they have the power, might and desire to rule. On the other hand, women are still the nurturers of kids and family.

My thoughts on the subject have more to do with why men have a greater need to challenge, win and come out on top. It is almost like it is in alignment with their manhood. To override this setting, one has to delve deeply into the myriad of reasons, and come to an understanding of where it comes from. Making distinctions between games and real life, perhaps will help us to figure out ways to best address the problems. Most times people are guessing rather than comprehending the actual situation.

Boys adore their fathers, even the fathers that are scarce. They identify with the male figure and with strength and power. Fathers don’t cry as often as mothers, if at all. They tend to keep their emotions hidden. This does not go unnoticed by their sons. What no one talks about, is what the boys learn from this. Without words, boys understand that strong means keeping feelings silent. That requires them to do less talking, regarding stressful problems that touch their souls. It can also imply that men will be less open, to sharing sensitive problems. They may shut down their feelings even from their wives.

Now we transport to the teen years. Boys begin manifesting their own thoughts and ideas. They are beginning to sense an empowerment, and they experience a keen awareness of the admiration of girls. All of this gives boys an outward confidence, that they do not necessarily feel inside. It works because others begin to look up to them.  Even those boys who do not flaunt themselves through sports or academics, have the pangs of manhood in their own ways. Boys want to be perceived as mature and capable, with jurisdiction and rule. The endowment of leadership is intrinsic, be it a good thing or bad.

The conclusion is for the parents to guide their offspring, and offer accountability for any infractions to the rules. This is where the fathers play a crucial role. Dad does not have to be the enforcer, but he does need to be modeling good behavior, and having expectations of respectable actions. If one teaches power makes things right, then fairness will be tossed in the bucket. The manners we cultivate within  the family structure, are the ones we will observe in society.

 In a positive way, dad is the big guy, who the boys look up to. But dad is also the person that must avoid under any circumstances, challenging their son with an ultimatum. If they do set a boundary which the son crosses, then the son will likely accept the ultimatum possibly leading to worse problems. The son’s pride is in jeopardy when dad presents a challenge. The son must flex his own muscles, especially after having been instructed to behave in such a manner. As scared as the son might be, he can’t let himself down. His own worth and leadership ability is at stake. He wants to be able to look himself in the mirror the next day, without seeing a weak and frightened person. The only thing at stake for dad is his pride and anger, which he likely will overcome. The son at this time in his young life, is fragile. Dads have to see this and comprehend what their sons are experiencing. Their emotions are so jumbled and confusing.

Boys have faith in the idea that they can’t let dad down, by displaying weakness, and they definitely can’t disappoint themselves. To them it is like being called to prove their worth by standing up for themselves. It is especially crucial when it is dad who is involved in the situation. It seals the deal for the son. He must make a sincere effort to accept the gauntlet, even though he knows in his heart he is overpowered by the circumstances. It is totally up to the father to diffuse the situation in a way that saves face for their son.

I have seen sons stand by their argument, even when dad gives in and retreats with his words. The son may have the need to finish their position in anger, because at this point they are upset, and confused about how they will ever get out of the mess, with their honor intact. If fathers walk away, the son may also retreat, possibly after mouthing a few choice points of discussion. It amounts to their attempt at feigning toughness and victory. They are cognizant of the close encounter, but also flattered with themselves. One day when they are adults, and become a parent, they might be more appreciative of the day their dad, although more powerful, was strong enough to turn away.

For those teens who eventually cower to an authoritative and formidable dad, they are devastated and demeaned from the encounter. They also blame their fathers for everything, especially for their dishonor. A lot of trust is lost. Fathers should refrain from drawing lines with their sons, if those directives are going to be difficult for either party to follow through with. It is too big of a risk to the teen and the relationship. By not drawing lines does not mean accepting insubordination, or ignoring the correction of poor behavior. It means to instruct with reflection and love. Remember who it is that stands in front of you. Dealing with a teenager is just as difficult as when you put up with the screaming toddler. Be cognizant of the fact that you can’t change the words and actions said and done once they spill out.. What worked when your son was a child, will not work on him as a teen. Wisely consider what battles you choose to fight.

Boys are trying to find their manhood. Deep down they know they are weak, but on the outside they want to appear stronger worthier and wiser. They want empowerment at becoming a  man. When we argue and disagree with our kids, we forget that we have so many more years of experience. They haven’t been tested, and they are not as sure of themselves as they pretend. If we are threatened by their false bravado, and incensed to defeat them at any expense, the cost may be dear.

It is difficult for babies to be born. It is also difficult for kids to mature. Their innocent attempts are respected and valued. It is truly not so different for the young teen struggling to demonstrate their worth. Know that in time they will mature and they will understand how easily their father could have defeated them, or rebuked them. That will conjure up a world of love for their dads, who they now know loved them enough, to allow them to enact their anger, without retaliating. The bonds grow stronger, and the father son relationship becomes closer and more resilient.

I would hope that the majority of fathers have enough confidence in themselves, to not be threatened by their young sons attempts to toss their weight around. It is nothing more than maturation. Before a fight builds, fathers must turn it around, go in another direction, and save face for their children. It is difficult for boys to become men. They need their dads and they need their pride. They really don’t have as much boldness as they pretend. See through the facade, and love your kids, because that is what will break walls and barriers. On another calmer day discuss the problems by  confronting your son, and help him deal with the stresses. Be a dad he can count on and trust.

.”I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection.” Sigmund Freud

“Would not the child’s heart-break in despair when the first cold storm of the world sweeps over it, if the warm sunlight of love from the eyes of mother and father did not shine upon him like the soft reflection of divine light and love?”

“One night a father overheard his young son’s prayer: “Dear God please make me the kind of man like my daddy is.” Later that night the father prayed: “Dear God please make me into the man my son wants me to be.”  Unknown

“It is not flesh and blood but HEART that makes  us fathers and sons.” Unknown

Mothers And Daughters

mothers and daughtersThe formative period for building character for eternity is in the nursery. The mother is queen of that realm and sways a scepter more potent than that of kings or priests.” ~Author Unknon

Mothers and daughters begin with the closest friendship.  There are many times the dad might feel pushed aside. Within a few years, as the girls approach their teen years the trouble begins. I think at first moms attempt to deal with it as they encounter the hurts from their daughters. If or when it continues for a longer time the father usually steps in and the problems expand. All of this takes a toll on the mother especially. Solving the dilemma will take patience, love, a listening ear, open mind and loving heart along with a firm attitude.

Moms should try not to get involved totally in the drama to the point of screaming or yelling. Parents are always the directors not the actors. Even when hurtful things are said or done by their daughter, it still necessitates that mom hang in there and continue with her guidance understanding and love. Never resort to shame or insults. Teens require more love at this point in their lives, perhaps than they ever needed before. They are being judged constantly by others so they don’t enjoy more assessments from the home. Life is full of alterations. This is one of the great transformations and requires lots of attention and discussion.

Daughters are not little girls anymore and they require discipline with love and patience but also with greater understanding of where they are coming from at this present moment. Parents must see through the upheavals, and the cries for help from their child, as they sift through the upheavals. Understand the playing field has changed. Although I am a firm believer in having respect for kids of any age, I especially think it is important during the teenage years. The confusion and muddled sensitivities of their daughters are persistently evolving. The extent and depth of their pain is real. As insignificant as their problems may appear to us, they are critical to our daughters. Demeaning their attitudes about the importance of their dilemmas has the power to cause rifts of insurmountable complications. Being on constant watch as well as being available to listen is vital.

Perhaps we consider the teen years as the time to remain uncompromising and to strong arm the kids. It is actually the reverse. One needs to be more receptive to the child’s cries wants and requirements and to bend without breaking. The mood swings attitudes and pains are difficult to encounter but remembering the changes taking place on the outside are not even close to the changes taking place  on the inside of the child. Staying connected to the inside but physically remaining on the outside helps to control being overtaken by the dramas that present. Many teenage girls are mouthy. Most likely their sassy words are flowing before they have even thought about what they are saying.

Moms may attempt to discipline through necessity due to the disrespect in their child’s words and actions. It reaches the point of no return regarding any compromising when they believe the daughter has overstepped too many times and things are falling apart.  Most parents believe at this point they must hold the line. Not so. At this point it is time to review and rethink your rules and parameters. It is time also to use your instincts to understand what the surrounding issues are. See through the daughter’s façade and discover the actual issues. Reconnect with your daughter which may require you to have a thick skin with the potential onslaught of hurtful words. Daughters are angrier at themselves than their mothers. Attempt also to keep voices low. Speak calmly and slowly because believe it or not you can unwittingly change the volatile atmosphere with these tactics.

Kids think parents don’t understand them and don’t have a clue about how they are feeling. Of course saying, “I understand” won’t cut it either.  When they fire criticism at you it should be taken in and reflected upon before you retaliate with your own negative response. You must show that you get it by offering to listen. I am not suggesting you break any of your own rules but stating your rules to them bluntly is in their faces and it won’t work. They see themselves as approaching adulthood. They want independence. Offering them as much as you can without giving in to your restrictions is best. They yearn for power even though they are not ready for it, so giving choices to them is sort of a compromise. You get to choose the selections but they get to feel empowered with the choices.

With your attentiveness, you might be able to offer choices which is always a good thing. A child of any age does not feel as controlled when they have some power and influence over their own lives. Blame is never an option but it is easy to express it when in the middle of a confrontation. If you react with calmness, understanding, respect and love you will probably receive a better outcome. You can’t retaliate even if the child does which is what usually happens. They have hormones rising which they can’t control and probably they are not even aware of the effects. You are the parent and the adult in this situation. The child can lose control but the parents must keep things under a certain tempo no matter how much you assess as wrong, deliberate or mean. You need to get through one battle at a time. Kids are confused and perhaps don’t even intend what they are saying. They are angry and need to take their fury out on someone which happens to be their mothers.

As you learn how to make progress in these altercations by remaining composed, the next argument ought to be of a lesser nature. You will find yourself using your skills of speaking softly with love and openness and directing the drama so it stays as neutral as possible. In all of this the child wants to be heard, understood, and like a toddler get their own way. You can listen and attempt to truly understand and then compromise when possible. When you speak to them at your turn, do some explaining yourself. Don’t discuss how poorly they treated you because it isn’t about you at the moment and you will lose the battle as well as the chance to improve anything. Try to alleviate any problems for them that you can. At the very least keep the communication open always. Maintain a truce.

A lot of times parents get confused about the fighting, believing it is an attack on them. The truth is the kids need to fault someone and take out their frustrations, and that means you are going to be the scapegoat. Any attempt on your part to defend yourself will perhaps cause a set-back. Don’t try to contain a problem that doesn’t likely exist. Keep on topic. It is folly to enter into a shouting match or verbal argument about who did or said what. Getting into the blame game only makes everyone feel guilty and it is a no win situation for all involved. Moms may end up on the defensive which is a difficult place to be. You never want to be offensive. When dads are called into the discussion, the battle gets vaster and the parties are now fighting for a cohort to build up their side of the issue. Fathers are angry at their daughters for upsetting the mother. Dads may also defend their daughter causing more rivalry to ensue. Fathers might attempt neutrality.

Kids don’t lose the advice we give them even though it might appear so in the heat of discussions. It is easier to say, “I am sorry you feel that way. It is not how I meant you to feel.” Or you might say, “I am sorry you interpreted what I said in such a way. I meant to…. not hurt you in any way because I love you too much to do that.” Now as corny as it may sound, kids like and need to hear us say we love them especially when they know they don’t deserve it. You may have the discussion more than once and you may have to revisit old wounds or situations but you will conquer. As long as you continually acknowledge and state how much you care and love them, you will break their walls and win their hearts. This is true with boys as well as girls.

Disregard their hurtful words and actions and comprehend that they are having their own temper tantrum just as you observed them at a two year old level. When things are calmer never accuse them of behaving like a child or toddler because you will alienate them. They want to be taken seriously and in an adult fashion. It is important to acknowledge their maturity and respect them.

Daughters need their mothers. They also need to be their own counsel. It all takes time. Always remember that unconditional love means you love without any conditions in return. Although we all like love returned, at the moment your child can’t give it. They still love you but won’t display it in the middle of a fight. When they do calm down at some point, don’t make them uneasy by reminding them how awful they made you feel. They probably know that what they said was mean. They will most likely be harder on themselves than you are on them. Someday when they have their own child or children, they might be better able to deal with the problems using you as their role model. Your handling of the situation can have a huge impact and a profound rippling.

You want your child to be open and honest with you, so treat them with respect. Your non-judgmental manner during any discussion with you will encourage their trust and feelings of safety. It allows you better communication and stronger bonds. I think if we can understand it is not about us but our kids it will keep us from wallowing in our own wounds. You have done a great job and must continue having confidence in yourself and your ability. You are the parent, not the friend, the director not the actor. Accept your role with dignity and calmness.

“The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.” ~Honoré de Balzac

“A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.” ~Washington Irving

“Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had, and dealing with fears you didn’t know existed.” ~Linda Wooten

Mother’s love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved.” ~Erich Fromm

Family Dynamics

self motives“The mind is everything. What you think you become.”      –Buddha

“I choose to live by choice not by chance, to be useful not used, to make changes not excuses, to excel not compete, to be motivated not manipulated, I choose self-esteem not self pity, I choose to listen to my inner voice, not to the random opinion of  others.” Unknown

Common Sense is that which judges the things given to it by other senses.    Leonardo da Vinci

From what I can tell many people don’t use their common sense. I believe we all have it but because we don’t trust our inner senses it drops deeper and deeper into the recesses of our brains. Instead of just reacting we need to reason and include our hearts in all of the deductions. There is so much sentiment involved in any decision and we may brush it aside due to our fear.

Maybe we are nervous about trusting instincts because they are not cut and dried and others won’t place a lot of stock in us when we say, “I had this feeling about saying and doing something.” I don’t know of many who would accept that answer yet emotions and intuitions are for real. They actually tell us more about ourselves and each other. Instincts are what keeps many animals alive and humans are animals.

Of course we believe we are too advanced to be considered animals but we still kill each other relentlessly. I am just not sure how far we really have advanced. Maybe it isn’t much after all. Has anyone else noticed that we appear to require “Professionals” to help us with everything in our lives? We search for answers about why our baby cries a lot among other issues. I’m not saying don’t go for help if you need it but I am saying has anyone stopped to reflect on what their minds and hearts in combination, are trying to suggest? We pass off our most valuable impulses and impressions as silly daydreams that must be squelched. Listening to our inner intuitive wisdom is vital.

Babies cry because they need a warm body. That is a smart baby because it knows its survival depends on mom and dad. We may not want to hold the baby every second but that is what the baby prefers so if we place the child in a carriage or swing to feign closeness, the baby many times relaxes and goes to sleep. My point is we all tend to reach for the child who is crying because we instinctively know they need us. We are correct in our assumptions. Our inner knowledge and senses will guide us. It is perhaps still a question regarding their need to be changed, fed held comforted or rocked to sleep.

There is no magic. We can all sense our kids needs if we listen with our hearts. I think most babies find it difficult to digest milk and food until they mature. They have various episodes of fussing crying and not sleeping. This is actually very typical. Of course we think our child is the exception and without a doubt the worst case. Again most if not all parents experience many of the same issues. The hardest thing to do is give of ourselves with time and patience. Instead we like to hope a medicine or certain food or way of doing something will make it all better. Time makes things better and patience helps us get through the rough times. Consulting a professional is obviously needed at times but trust yourself once in a while because you know and understand more than you think.

There are some unusual cases but most babies cry without reason so it appears. Dealing with it is our job. Sometimes there are no shortcuts. When instincts are not consulted, there is the likelihood of confusion. As advanced as we are academically, we have fallen backwards in truly connecting to our natural sixth sense aptitudes. I think it isn’t in style and appears stupid to use them instead of our hard learned advancements in science. We do have the ability to solve many of our own problems. Combing science with intuitive thought processes allows us the benefit of input from both worlds.

We don’t have to worry that our schedule is not as perfect as another. It is okay to divert from the norm. None of us are robots including the kids. Just because someone tells you it is okay for a 4 or 5-year-old to play on the street, if they have been taught how to safely cross, it still doesn’t make it true. What we need to get back to is our inner wisdom. If we don’t perceive something as correct, then we don’t have to follow the crowd.  Until we are confident with certain decisions, refuse to be bullied into compliance. Kids train, eat regular foods, exhibit athletic ability, walk and talk at various points in their lives. The time frame is unimportant. Their comfort as well as our own contentment is very crucial to being successful.

Guidelines are helpful but too many parameters make rules prod us into   failure to think for ourselves. We can’t push kids into square places when their shapes are square. I find it sad to watch moms or dads fighting with their daughters or sons. They all love each other and none of us would disagree, yet this scenario happens endlessly with serious consequences to the family. Maybe trusting our common sense and expressing love is vital in raising our children.

Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes.    Ralph Waldo Emerson

“It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails admit it frankly and try another. But above all try something.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

“Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense.” Gertrude Stein


Change Is An Exhilarating Ride

change“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old but on building the new.” Socrates

“Welcome to today, another day another change. Feel free to change.”    Unknown

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”     Wayne Dyer

We either hate change or fear it. One thing is for sure it is always around us. No matter what the age, changes are certain. When we are young we don’t care about it because we all want to be bigger fast. There are a lot of first challenges and we look forward to those. Parents seem to like having their kids transform quickly into self-sufficient adults.

I always wonder about the outcomes of pushing our kids too quickly into things they are not ready for. Of course we believe we have been successful when our kids are relying on themselves. We don’t stop to ponder if that is why they have the urge to leave quickly or why they express a desire to be independent at a young age. The attitudes of the parents are reflected in the children. Many young people are aware of how important it is to be able to cope with life on their own. They confront it in every advertisement, newspaper, book, pictures and approach of the general public as well as within their own families. The young adults make plans to venture towards independence even before they are financially able.

I question if this is why so many kids are returning home. Probably they are unable to pay their bills or are uncomfortable living alone. Many parents are more than willing to take their grown children back. Parents may stipulate their desire to have a time frame and adhere to a scheduled date when the kids will again depart. I don’t think it is because they worry about the kids living at home as much as they fear the backlash of friends and family who will ceaselessly question the parents about the adult children’s return to the home.

It would almost be worse if friends and relatives refrained from questions. At that point the parents would likely feel compelled to bring up the discussion themselves.  Parents may believe they failed in their duty to raise kids and set them free. I understand the stigma attached to a longer and prolonged stay at home by adult kids. But I believe it is everyone’s right to adhere to their own agenda.

Some kids have found someone and are marrying right away. They are settled and have another individual to live with. Some kids land a fantastic job, earn lots of money and are quickly able to provide for their needs. Others are simply not ready either emotionally, physically or mentally to become self-regulated. So what is the big deal? It is other people who make it a big commotion. We all must focus on what works for our own homes and families. There is no right or wrong and no blame. There are many people presenting from various backgrounds. A little tolerance can go a long way.

Is it better to send young adults off regardless of what is best for them in order to adhere to an unstated code of independence? Why allow others to dictate what is or isn’t good, bad, right or wrong. We must trust ourselves and our own ideas and heart. This is not a competition or at least it shouldn’t be. I have never heard of anyone receiving a medal because their kids left the house first.

Maybe we are too involved with competition. We have too much focus on winning and losing. We haven’t yet realized that there are so many more losers in any game so why stress. There might be five minutes of fame for the winner but who really cares.

Independence is important but maturity security and well-being are more valuable. If we can appreciate there is no competition, or medal given, maybe we might take a more laid back attitude. Of course there might be those parents who want their kids out of the house as soon as possible, regardless of whether or not their kids are ready. Perhaps parents might give more attention to their own reasons for desiring a quick departure from their adult children.

We can’t continue to allow others to demonstrate how we should think or evaluate any situation. Recognize the fact that we are all different, have varying requirements, temperaments, attitudes and levels of stress. Taking all of this into consideration if we want to do what is best for our own kids, we will toss the guidelines aside. Yes we want them to fly solo but we also want them able to stay the course and not crash into any trees in their flight.

Transformation is like the constantly crashing waves. It comes quickly and without stopping. The changes are swift and noticeable. To be able to cope with the alterations, we must see it in a positive light. It doesn’t have to be negative adding a sense of loss. We can look at our kid’s marriages in many ways. The family structure is adjusting. It is also possible to look at the marriage as adding more love to the family in the way of new members and babies that enter through the union.

By seeing the good in any situation we embrace the changes and required adjustments with excitement and curiosity. None of us know what our kids will decide to engage in or study. We can trust that it will bring new dimensions to our own lives if we give it just half a chance. By taking the interest and getting involved, it is likely the new will be better. Our fear will dissipate.

Transformation is impossible to avoid. It certainly keeps stagnation away, and gives us new things to think about and discover. Through investigation we might find something we would like to alter in ourselves or in our lives. If fear is the only obstacle holding us back let go of it. Embrace the new, while hanging on for a bumpy but exhilarating ride, over the never-ending waves of modification.

“Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its’ troubles. It only empties today of its’ strength.” Corrie Ten Boom

“It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.”    C. S. Lewis

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”    Reinhold Niebuhr

The Clout Of The Past

regret“You can never regret anything you do in life. You kind of have to learn the lesson from whatever the experience is and take it with you on your journey forward.”    Aubrey O’Day

The man who insists upon seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides. Accept life, and you must accept regret.    Henri Frederic Amiel

We crucify ourselves between two thieves: regret for yesterday and fear of tomorrow.      Fulton Oursler

Wow but when I look back on what happened up to this point in time, I can see the numerous mistakes I made. I just can hardly believe I am guilty, of the huge number of horrible choices. I am ashamed at the things I didn’t say and didn’t do. I am also embarrassed for the occasions I did say and do things, I shouldn’t have said or done. I can’t believe I was capable of such behavior, but it is staring me right in the face. If I could go  back, I would change so much.

I really mean this, but how familiar does this sound to all of us. I listen to so many people tell me how many regrets they have. They go on and on posturing genuine sorrow. Some of them lament the arguments and fights with family members. Now those members are dead, and there is no going back. They so wished the words “I’m sorry,” were not so difficult to say at the time. Now they needn’t worry about those words, which are now mute.

Others state how they renewed relationships with parents, brothers, sisters and other family members, but bemoan having waited so long. The activities and years they might have enjoyed with those family members are gone. There is no returning, nor reliving former years. On a low day, the early days come back and bite.

Other people believe they missed out on life opportunities, regarding relationships and jobs. Some went so far as to say they entered the wrong field of study, and have worked ceaselessly at a job they hate. How awful their current work is, and how much better the original job would have been. They liked so many positive things about the missed job opportunity, and at times mourn out loud, their mistake.

Some of us miss the opportunities when, we had to come to the support of others. We couldn’t spare the time or energy. We contemplate this, and are so aware of the ability and time we  couldn’t give. Those we might have helped, turned to others for aid. So much of the present might have been different, if we had chosen wisely, with more emotion, consideration and love. Now we are just filled with grief, and long for the past, a better time and place.

Now I believe it is time we stopped the movie and faced reality. On a bad day we review the past and beat ourselves up. That is a problem, and definitely doesn’t help us in the present. How perfect the past appears to be, when we see it from our present stance. The dilemma is, we look at it in an open carefree and tainted manner. We look at the facts, and our own words or actions fill us with remorse. We can’t argue any of it, and we know and accept that, with  disheartening feelings.

We have not considered the thoughts and emotions, at the time we lived the past. I find this is the crux to being honest about the glorious past. We leave out and forget so much. We  can’t recall deeply, every thought,  feeling and emotions swirling around in our heads. maybe we had many stresses at that time, and many people offering advice. Perhaps they were people we trusted. Perhaps we were uninformed about the reality of our situation. It is possible money may have been an issue, or time, or stretched  emotional burdens played into the decisions. Most likely we were not as sure of ourselves, and did not consider all of the impressions, nor did we fathom all of the outcomes.

The bygones remain in the past. We based our decisions on what we grasped, at that time, and also what we figured out, given our emotional state. The burdens and stresses of the preceding time, are not considered as much from our present perspective. This obviously keeps a magnitude of pieces missing from the picture. When any of us recall forgotten memories, it is with downsized glasses. There is so much we can’t remember, or perhaps we choose to forget. How difficult it becomes to admonish ourselves, for the choices we made at another place in time, both physically, mentally and emotionally. It is quite possible we were not compassionately ready, or mentally instructed to have chosen a different path.

It befits us to accept the choices we made, and not look back in total guilt. I have pangs of conscience for not having done more for a sick relative. If I reflect on the actuality at that moment,  I had four young children, lived a distance away, and had  health concerns of  my own. I  do bemoan, but I also comprehend the gravity of problems, that interfered with making an alternative decision. In another case my attempts at reconciliation were cast on deaf ears. As much as I tried, it was to no avail. Yes I regret not having made peace, and probably I could have tried harder, but intertwined with the truth is the fact that my overtures went by the wayside. Life is also happening all around us and we have responsibilities to maintain.

We just can’t glorify the past, make our decisions seem simpler than they were,  nor pounce on ourselves for the many decisions we made. In reality those decisions were made in a totally different time period. We perhaps also had an alternative frame of mind. Let the past go because we can’t play the Monday quarterback card. Whether we chose wisely or not is irrelevant. We did the best we could, given the information we had, with the stresses and problems on our shoulders at the time. Most likely we would do the same things again, without having the aid of greater comprehension, which came with time.

In the present, we have the opportunity to pick our selections with more knowledge and understanding. That is the best we can do.  It is  wonderful to have a handle on the past, learn from it, and accept with remorse our poor decisions. We can reflect on how we can salvage any part of our dreams, by new selections in the present moment. We can always do better, and we should never believe we don’t have new choices. If we believe we have the ability to change, then we will be able

Maybe our viewpoint has more to do with our discomfort, of making an attempt to try something new. if we have the desire, we can make alternate decisions, based on more facts and knowledge. Our attitudes have likely also transformed. It is too late to erase the past, but the present and the future are still open to our own substitutions. Beating ourselves up about something we cannot even totally comprehend is ridiculous. If we can replace something in the present time, for something better, then we can and should attempt to do that. Learn from your bygone days, most definitely try to make more thoughtful decisions, and fix what you can fix, but never try to live in the spent time. It is the present moment and the future that is calling to us. That is why we all need to go forward with our lives, and use what we have learned for our own benefit, and the benefit of others.

“Never look back and regret, look back and smile at what you have learned.”     Michelle C. Ustaszeski

“Always Do Your Best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.”    Miguel Angel Ruiz

Search Inward For Answers

 search inward for answers“Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.”    Benjamin Spock

“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.”    Lao-Tzu

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”    Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have come to the conclusion we simply do not like ourselves very much. No matter who I talk to about anything, they end up being so critical of themselves. Nobody appears to be able to see their own worth. This seems to be a fact in my opinion. Now the problem is why and how do we change our thoughts regarding who and what we are.

I, like everyone else, have those days of being so wiped out I can’t even look myself in the mirror.  Of course on those arduous days I recall every bad feature I can think of about myself. I go back into my childhood until I am immersed in tears. I want to punish myself and I am always very successful. When it is over I can never recall why I had the need to crucify myself in such a manner.

Most likely I am insecure so when things are going well, I am happy but then I begin looking for the other shoe to fall. Perhaps many of us are convinced we are never good enough to deserve anything more than pain. How dreadful that is. On such strenuous days the world is a cold angry place and people are not kind nor understanding.

If the phone or doorbell rings we are at times saved from the punishment at least for that particular day. What bothers me is why we feel it necessary to suffer raw pain and relive excruciating experiences. I suppose we sometimes feel guilty for whatever we perceive we have done wrong in the past. Then we recall former errors when something goes wrong in the present. Probably all of this is not even related but in our private reality anything is believable. It allows us to wallow in misery.

Being upset allows us to cleanse ourselves in an unconventional way. We remember our wrongs, feel sorrow and expect we will do better the next time. After recovering, we put ourselves back together. As we begin again, we recall the hurtful episode we endured and remain subdued in our thoughts.

Judging all of this from the outside makes me think it has more to do with our lack of self-esteem. We dress up in numerous ways adding a hint of provocativeness and yearn to be noticed. We speak up and offer outlandish remarks in order to be different and again to be acknowledged. I think that might be why some people are heard performing outlandish behaviors.

As crazy as all this sounds there is some truth. We want compliments and satisfaction knowing we simply represent meaning to someone in the scheme of life. Many times the people who make us feel adored and loved at some point let us down. Of course we behave like the turtle and go into the shell. We cry, review the events and try to pick up the pieces of our lives. We have the choice of forgiving and forgetting or at least accepting whatever we didn’t approve of or we move on.

It is our personal choice but the devastation and the power others have over us is intimidating. It can put one out of commission for a length of time. We haven’t change yet our courage and confidence in ourselves is challenged. We never ask ourselves why or if we really are an unlovable person. The veracity of life has a lot to do with how we view ourselves and how others assess us. If we assume certain conditions that another person doesn’t deliver, we are uncomfortable. If we can bear the raw pain we withstand the hurt, otherwise, we break the relationship.

I think sometimes we get confused about the real reasons we remain or stay. It might have more to do with us than with the other person. If we have a clear sense of who we are then we can actually tolerate more trash than if we are not secure. Being comfortable with ourselves permits us to see us as separate from the other person. We are not controlled or connected to what another is or is not. We are autonomous and pleased with us. When we answer to our own conscience only, we gain a confidence beyond measure.

If we doubt our merit we tend to mull things over more and question our own motives for staying in a relationship. Of course I am not talking about abuse of any kind. In such a situation the abused person should leave. I am talking about the perceived notions that we should adhere to because that is what people told us to do. Perhaps we can tolerate a situation with more endurance and survive with our self-confidence intact.

There is no need to explain why we do or did certain things in any given situation. We can’t fear our motives and actions. Never listen to the dictation of others. Take control of your own life and observe the person you are. When you are comfortable you will find it is easy to make decisions because you can trust yourself. Who better to depend on than you?

When we like someone we trust them. Now we must like ourselves and trust our own choices. Others have their own hang-ups for why they behave in certain situations and choose the way they do. By reflecting we comprehend the whole picture. It allows us to see the entire forest instead of one tree. After all we get a totally different view of a forest than just observing one tree. It is the same with life.

There may be times we induced our own misery. Doing what is best for us is more important than saving face or appearing to be something others perceive as worthy. Remember to be worthy in your own eyes because that is the person you will live with forever. You may see the bigger picture that is alluding others. As soon as I hear someone say to another, “You can’t be serious, you can’t give in.” I wonder what the discussion is all about. The actual situation is likely more convoluted and known better by the people involved. Being on the outside is sometimes not as helpful to others. If your heart and mind are working together on something, build your convictions.

We so underscore our own ability. We can be ourselves at all times having no need to prove ourselves in any way. We are beautiful on the inside and the outside and we know it or should know it. We are the best adviser we have. The waters get muddy at times and we get tired and confused but we can’t ever lose faith in ourselves. Lead your life with integrity safe in the knowledge that you have the stamp of approval from the person that counts the most and that is you.

 “Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.” Ralph Waldo Emerson“

You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” Louise L. Hay
“Be faithful to that which exists within yourself.” André Gide
“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” Carl Gustav Jung

Has Honesty Taken A Vacation?

honesty“It has always seemed strange to me… the things we admire in men, kindness and generosity, openness, honesty, understanding and feeling, are the concomitants of failure in our system. And those traits we detest, sharpness, greed, acquisitiveness, meanness, egotism and self-interest, are the traits of success. And while men admire the quality of the first they love the produce of the second.”    John Steinbeck

“Honesty is more than not lying. It is truth telling, truth speaking, truth living, and truth loving.”    James E. Faust

“The influence of a mother upon the lives of her children cannot be measured. They know and absorb her example and attitudes when it comes to questions of honesty, temperance, kindness, and industry.”    Billy Graham

I was wondering about this for some time, and believe it is necessary to be said. It is time we became more responsible for our own life, as well as any children that we have. I say this because our future is in jeopardy. We take none of the fault. When we find someone else to blame,  it takes the pressure off of ourselves. We fault someone over there. If we stopped to think, we would realize that our faultless finding, only adds to the problem and covers up truth.

People use the legal system, to sue anybody, that they deem capable  of any blame. This ensures someone, whether it be an individual or a company, will pay out money. The truth at times is lost in the arguments, companies and doctors who never professed to be God. They cut their losses and pay, even if they are aware they morally did no wrong. The court cases drag on for a long time, and it costs money to continue. The stress of it all is not even calculated .

I am not faulting lawyers, because it is they who perhaps salvage our behinds when we need it. However, they take cases to further their careers, and because that is  what a lawyer does, which brings him money. I am wondering where our honesty went. In all of this we never question veracity. Everyone involved resorts to the quick fix and negotiates. Who is right or wrong usually doesn’t come up. It is just irrelevant.

We likely don’t understand why we have government problems, or social and academic issues. I would suggest we search for our honesty. Where did it go, and why are we not looking for it? It is as if we have given up on ourselves. We have all jumped into the game, without pause or reflection. It is a devious game, and has many ins and outs. The outcome can be beneficial at times, and costly at other moments. The stress is elevating, as we leap from situation to situation. Of course we are never sure of any results, because it is never based on accuracy.

Sorry to say this, but I am at a loss regarding our complete acceptance of wrong. We don’t have any parameters, for anything we say or do. Age, sex, ability to name a few, are never a consideration any more than anything else we can think of. No one owes us a life, health, education, job  or a living. There may be many times doctors make mistakes, because they are human. Most do not require a court case, yet many will go that route.

Yes the playing field is not fair to all, yet  so many people refuse to help themselves. Perhaps we must suffer a bit and struggle. Nobody, unless they are rich, gets it handed to them. Some people struggle, scrimp and save for their kids college. Only later do they find out, those people who didn’t bother to save, but spent on vacations, are eligible for more credit. Now with college rolling around they have less in the bank and guess what?  They are given aid and tuition help. Now that is also not fair.  My point is  there appears to be little decency anymore.

Some people who have been slightly injured, claim a greater injury and end up with a bundle. Again if one requires the health and aid great, but what about those who cheat the system. Many of our problem are due to our immorality. If there is an age limit on a park ride, we lie if it means our kids will get in cheaper. This appears minor but we go from there, and stretch it further. There is no limit to the possible depth of duplicity. This even occurs more frequently in our relationships, resulting in more martial break-ups.

School is the same way. Teachers know the truth, but they can’t speak up because they will lose their jobs.  So instead everyone calls out the  teachers, because of the failing grades. There are few miracle workers. Teachers have a mixture of kids, on various grade levels, an integration of children with special needs, and an abundance of behavior problems. Many kids who are not disciplined at home, arrive at school  and must be taught how to follow the rules. There are so many kids who are absent regularly, with the excuse of getting up too late. Others profess to having enjoyed a day off with mom or dad. The government has said no child can be held back ,regardless of where he or she is academically. The teacher does the best she can for the year she has with the child, and then passes the child along, to the next grade level. There is an outrage at graduation, which is the end of the schooling, because some kids can’t read. Guess who is blamed?

That does not make any sense to me.  We shout out bad teachers, doctors lawyers etc. now it is time we the parents unveiled the veracity in all of this, and give fault to us. We are the parents, yet we have turned over all rights and obligations, as well as responsibilities to others. Sometimes we don’t think about how our kids are dressed, or how they are doing at school. After all it is the teachers responsibility not ours.

I am totally for keeping our kids fed, and nurtured, but I do believe it is time those in authority started placing blame where it belongs, instead of being politically correct. It gets tiring and boring as well as useless, because nothing is going to change unless we change our attitudes. How can we teach honor, and righteousness, if we don’t show it by our example. It is time we reflected on what honesty means. I recall my ancestors saying, “His word is good.” It meant you could trust the person was not going to cheat you, or be dishonest. A written signature was not needed.

If we lived in a world where honesty was valued, we might find an abundance of food, money, clothing, education, and numerous other designs. It just takes a few of us, to make up our minds, we have had enough, and we choose integrity  from others and from ourselves. In that way, those that need it will have plenty, and those that don’t need it, will take care for themselves. The blame and fault finding must end, along with the false dream. The dream is not fooling anyone anymore. We are exhausted from pretending what is, and what isn’t. Let our conscience  be our guide for a change, and what a change there would be in the world.

“Treat those who are good with goodness, and also treat those who are not good with goodness. Thus goodness is attained. Be honest to those who are honest, and be also honest to those who are not honest. Thus honesty is attained.”    Lao Tzu

“Confidence… thrives on honesty, on honor, on the sacredness of obligations, on faithful protection and on unselfish performance. Without them it cannot live.”    Franklin D. Roosevelt

“I am afraid we must make the world honest before we can honestly say to our children that honesty is the best policy.”    George Bernard Shaw