“And I came to believe that good and evil are names for what people do, not for what they are. All we can say is that this is a good deed, because it helps someone or that’s an evil one because it hurts them. People are too complicated to have simple labels.” Philip Pullman, The Amber Spyglass
“You may be the only person left who believes in you, but it’s enough. It takes just one star to pierce a universe of darkness. Never give up.” Richelle E. Goodrich, Smile Anyway
It is impossible to get away from thoughts about self. Our entire day is focused on how we appear to others. No matter how much time we spend instructing ourselves to build that hard exterior, we cave in or dissolve it immediately when confronted with the slightest rejection. I am guilty of it myself. I feel so motivated to be strong and I fortify myself with inner speeches. I walk out my front door, meet someone and all my good plans are wasted.
It is as if the world has decided to play practical jokes on me. I can hear it saying, “Ha Ha I thought you weren’t going to give in but instead you were going to give them a piece of your mind when you had the chance. You just are not strong enough. When we part ways I experience such anger at myself for letting myself down. I am about ready to give up until another sad day of reflection and work at bolstering my ego to the point of reentering the living world and its’ many confrontations and dilemmas.
I have yet to discover why I can’t keep my own promises to self. I am so capable of keeping the promises made to others so why not those made to me. I know at any given moment, I am evaluating the person, place and happening. I might be angry at enduring an insult but when I run into that person, they begin telling me a sad story or act like I am their lost friend. I relent and start offering comfort and advice or camaraderie. Of course when we meet at work or social occasions, I am the recipient again of the slight. I constantly ask myself how easy it is for me to be taken advantage of.
Are we fooled by others or by us? That might be the real question. I know I spend a lot of time analyzing situations and people. So much time doing that that I forget about my own agenda and focus on others, their problems and the way they and the world sees me. It resonates with truth. Again I define myself by what others see. I simply find it so hard to see what they see when it is positive, yet any critical knowledge given to me about myself is processed quickly and sticks like glue to the brain. I can remember hurts from childhood that have stayed with me.
Talking to others has made me aware of the fact that so many people are suffering the same feelings. They fault themselves as much as I do and when I listen to a rendition of their beliefs about themselves, I hear me in their words. As much as I defend them against their own opinions of themselves, I always lose the battle. They smile at me and thank me for the kind and encouraging words but then they walk away with the same opinions of self. I sense that I have hardly made a dent on their soulful situation.
I ask myself what does it take for any of us to be comfortable with self? How does one learn to like never mind love self? Why is it difficult if not impossible to like oneself? The questions are troublesome and very intense. I think that is why they don’t get answered. It takes a lot of time and effort. We don’t cure our country’s problems or world problems for the same reasons. We want truth but not really. Uncovering the veil and viewing reality is brutal. We are not ready and likely never will be without confronting many more areas than we want.
Does a society want to learn the ways they must change in order to have peace? I would venture to say no. Does the government want to change the infrastructure of its’ economy to improve lives? No it is way too complicated, involved and disruptive to everyone. We all long for changes but not transformation which is probably what we would be looking at. So we bereave our lots, attempt change, continue to dislike ourselves at times and wonder at our total confusion.
I am the same way. I end up feeling overwhelmed and just too busy to make the attempt and too tired for the endurance level it calls for. So it leaves us in defeat and at times despair. They say we have more young adults and teens as well as older people committing suicide. It is almost easy to see why. If one is always concentrating on what is wrong about themselves it is no wonder they can’t find what is good in them. Our game of working on self leaves us losing and disgusted. I’d like to make it work for me and I know others must feel the same way. There are no sure instructions on self improvement and self-love. We use the books attempt the therapies but most times believe we have made progress but haven’t fixed the problem totally.
It is hard to view ourselves through another. They are in the same position we are. if they are having a bad day then what do they have left to give to us. We need to find it within because nobody can do the searching as good as we can when it comes to self evaluation. We sometimes enjoy wallowing in our own defeat. We sense we somehow deserve it. This analysis practically encourages our own defeat. By thinking we are not ever good enough, gives blessing to our fears. We live up to our own low expectations and the low expectations of others.
If someone believes in us, how much harder we work at living up to that image. I would almost venture to say maybe we are afraid to see the good positive qualities within ourselves because that would make us understand how much good is in us. We couldn’t sit back waiting for others to fix things if we recognized the power we had within ourselves to fix it. We might be forced to appreciate us. That is powerful and troublesome. Now we might have to act.
Maybe it really is the moment to have faith in ourselves. No we are not perfect. yes we make many mistakes. There are times we get hurt due to not valuing ourselves. If we are rejected so what. We are still worthy people. Believing in self allows us to comprehend the big world and the whole picture. Young adults have options to meet many other people. To believe that we can’t be loved truly by someone is not so. Many others find us loving and worthy. Giving up on us is not an option. Trusting in us is the choice. We can fix and nurture ourselves and do the best job. We know we are capable. We are hiding if we say we can’t do things. We can. Own up to your own worth. By doing so you will improve yourself.
No matter how difficult it is to find things we admire in us find them because they are there. We have all performed kind acts and offered helpful advice to others along our journey. Don’t ever underestimate your worth to yourself or your ability to make a difference to the human world at large. I may not be present at a crucial moment in time that you are there. You are the chosen one to make a difference even if it is in a strangers life. I might be present at a time when you are not.
I would suggest we all stop looking outward at the courageous things we see going on around us. Suppose the few peoples’ lives we touch make a difference in their ability to influence a herd of others. This is that rippling effect that carries onward. As I mentioned before we never delve too deeply because it is fearful and requires intense and fierce probing and examination. In the end we find how much better a person we really are, because it leads us to focusing on the positive. This gives us the stamina to resolve the negative.
“Never REJECT yourself due to the sins you have committed. REGRET will do nothing; REPENT and do something!” Israelmore Ayivor, The Great Hand Book of Quotes
“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” Confucius
“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” Confucius
“The more man meditates upon good thoughts, the better will be his world and the world at large.” Confucius
“Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” Confucius