“Children are not possessions. You don’t “allow” the mother/father extra time. When you say things like that you imply that you think of your children as things not as humans.”
“A good parent does not take their child’s rights away out of hate and anger for the other parent.
“When things are investigated, then true knowledge is achieved; when true knowledge is achieved, then the will becomes sincere; when the will is sincere, then the heart is set right ; when the heart is set right, then the personal life is cultivated; when the personal life is cultivated, then the family life is regulated; when the family life is regulated, then the national life is orderly; and when the national life is orderly, then there is peace in this world.” Confucius
Divorce creates havoc and fear. Children are more deeply entangled in their parent’s divorce, than either of their parents. They are the ones who love both parents, and want to see, and be with both parents. Children are the individuals, who get harmed the most. Sometimes a divorce is necessary, but the child’s world is toppled, and they can’t fathom why. They really lose some faith, trust and hope, as well as part of their foundation.
Divorce has a huge impact on kids. Children’s fear, worry, doubt and distress increases. The effects on children are tremendous and deep. Their innocence is lost, no matter how nicely the divorce goes. They are suffering, but the parents are perhaps so distressed at this point in time, that they likely have little time to observe the problems children begin to endure. Parents are probably very concerned, about where they are proceeding from that point onward.
As a result, the children inevitably are relegated to the background of their lives. Fathers blame mothers, when they do not have more access to their children, after a divorce. The children might be denied time with dad, because he has broken commitments to the mother, or because it is difficult to find a time that meshes with the mom’s schedule. Mothers may make it difficult for dads, but dads need to fight to stay involved. If mothers consider what is best for the child, they will allow the father to stay involved. Most often, when dads are denied time with their kids, it leads to worry and frustration for the children. The children are angry at being denied time with dad.
Probably many of these fathers don’t stay the course, and lose contact with their kids. They probably marry again, and sire more children, leaving less time for the original family. This loss of time for the original family, is not the ex-wife’s fault. Kids are anguished. The fear has escalated to emotional pain, when some parents begin degrading each other. The children who are caught in the middle, are taking an emotional beating, from both mom and dad.
The effects of divorce are easily seen at any school, and within any area of society. Some parents do stay involved, and both parents might be committed. This is admirable. Perhaps the norm is, mom and dad diverge in different directions. This means parents transplant, and possibly produce more children with the new spouse. Children from a past union, might appear to be baggage to the new step parent. Many children sense this, because they accept so much pain and suffering, without complaining to their biological parents.
Children are unsure of where they stand straightaway, with mom or dad. Many believe they are being replaced, by the new love or family. Children can’t form the words, or the thoughts, regarding all of the confusion going on in their minds and lives. School problems, sadness, attachment issues, anger, and insecurity might suddenly manifest. If we are not tuned into our child it leaves us asking, “What’s wrong with my son or my daughter?”
Most children, if not all children, find it difficult to accept a parent’s new relationship. Children are in fear of losing their parent’s love. They will readily accept the most uncomfortable circumstances in order to keep mom’s or dad’s love. Children begin their wandering between homes, beds, and parents. They worry about whom they are going to be with, how long, and who’s picking them up. Children are apprehensive about the parent they will not be with, for the short time.
Children appear anxious if they have forgotten one of their treasured items, when spending time with mom or dad. There is a display of uneasiness about what they forgot to say to a parent, before leaving with the other parent. They worry about homework, and books left behind at one of their parent’s homes. The list continues.
Parents are the people children depend on and adore. In a divorce situation, children must hide their emotional state from each of the parents, when in the company of the other parent. This is undoubtedly stressful. Children are resilient. They have proven this to be true. Although we must not confuse toughness, with having no effect on their emotional system. There are most definitely instances here of cause and effect.
We can’t take a carving knife to a new piece of wood and slice it completely through. We can fill the gouge with putty, but the scar will remain. The wood will never be smooth and untouched as it once was. Children want their parents to stay together. The parents are their roots; their foundation. If adult children are wrecked over a parent’s divorce, how distressing it must be for young children, who are still depending on parents for nurturing.
The most important thing parents can do for their kids at this point in time, is to pay more attention to their kids. There is a need for more talking, cuddling and physical presence. Allow children to ask questions, and be truthful and as clear as you can with the answers. Never forget that they are more involved than either of their parents. Realize that they say what we want to hear, and cover up their feelings. Even if you are walking away from each other, don’t walk away from your children. They need you in their lives, and you are so vital to their existence. Many of their fears are allayed, when parents can be depended upon. Above all else, refrain from speaking negatively about each other. Even the smallest insult is heard, and taken straight to their own hearts.
“The best security blanket a child can have is parents who respect each other.”
“If your child’s love and allegiance can be bought away from the father, it can be bought from you. Raise them with better values.” Someee cards
“Jesus taught us how to forgive out of love, how to forget out of humility. So let us examine our hearts and see if there is any unforgiven hurt – any unforgotten bitterness! It is easy to love those who are far away. It isn’t always easy to love those who are right next to us. It is easier to offer food to the hungry than to answer the lonely suffering of someone who lacks love right in one’s own family. The world today is upside down because there is so very little love in the home, and in family life.” Mother Teresa