Have you ever been the victim of humiliation and felt like leaving a place , conversation or person who is victimizing you? I know there are degrees of everything but subtle or intense humiliation makes no difference to the victim because they know they are the subject or target of abuse. Now that is a ridiculous  word to use some people might say. However when a person experiences humiliation they don’t stop to think about degrees and if they are in a lousy mood to begin with, they feel the humiliation even more.

"Humiliation is the beginning of sanctification." John Donne
"Abuse and neglect negate love. Care and affirmation the opposite of abuse and humiliation are the foundation of love. No one can rightfully proclaim to be loving when behaving in such a way."    Bell Hooks
"Humiliation of one person over another is often used as a way of exerting power over them, and a common form of oppression or abuse."

I remember reading about manners one time and I was surprised to read that manners did not consist of proper etiquette or being rich or well educated. Manners they mentioned was making every person feel comfortable and relaxed no matter what their race, religion, economic or educational attainment was. It was amazing and I thought about it for a long time. There are those people who can tell you how wonderful you look even if you misjudged an occasion and wore the wrong attire. They pretend they don’t even notice. They are special people and a pleasure to make acquaintances with. Continue reading “HUMILIATION IS SHATTERING”

Victory in Relationships

victory in relationships“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars.” E.H.Chapin

“Character is the total of thousands of small daily strivings to live up to the best that is in us.” Lt. Gen. Arthur Trudeau

“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.”
― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Even having the best relationships with family, we still fight to maintain control of our thoughts and feelings. We all want to be number one and second place is never comfortable. I am working on making it satisfying. I remember as a young adult, visiting family at a wedding or gathering. I was always the one to be present when a relative needed me, or needed to talk. My siblings appeared randomly, yet they were sought after first. It was hurtful to miss out on the talks, because my siblings overshadowed me. They got the attention, big hugs and kisses, and the plans to get together. In the meantime, I was basically out in the cold, and unnoticed. At the next function of course, I would be the only attendee and the relatives were glad to see me.

Suffice it to say, I never received any attention if my siblings chose to randomly appear at a family gathering. I understood logically why they were welcomed so much, because they were missing at most of the other gatherings. Like the prodigal son, everyone was happy at their momentary return. As much as all of us get the idea of it, we still anger inside at our quick displacement. It occurred to me how many times we all do this to each other. We owe a tremendous amount of gratitude to others, yet we disregard the simple things. The mundane tasks we received from them quite often go unnoticed.

The excitement of the new arrival, makes us disregard the silent dependable person, that we easily relegated to the background without any thought. I have been at both ends of it, and see some reasons, and some dilemmas with it. We’re looking for acknowledgement of who we are, from others. We define ourselves through the eyes of others. We want the quick stamp of approval, and yearn to be part of that persons life or group. Because of our own insecurities, we must be accepted by others in order to feel worthy.

Being so caught up in sensitive feelings, permits us little time to reflect on the many experiences we enjoyed with this group. We love the good times spent with them, even if they took us for granted. However, we decide to decline attending the next invitation, and make a silly excuse.

Perhaps at some moment, we recall the time our relative appeared at one of our parties. Wow we hadn’t seen him for years. It was a wonderful night, full of catching up. We stop and become aware and alarmed at how we spent little time with other family members that night. Suddenly we understnd the hurt we may have caused others. It causes us to change our mind, get dressed and hurry to the party.

We’ve probably all experienced the slight when a newcomer arrives, a popular character comes on the scene, or a long lost relative shows up. we’ve most likely experienced being the excited family member who ignores the regulars for the lost sheep. It works both ways, and doesn’t have much to do with love hate or meanness. In the end those who frequently  attend the party, have the most to recall and many more shared smiles and laughs to warm their hearts.

We are worthy. We are unique. We are not defined by what others think of us or do for us. We are defined by our freedom to make decisions. We can elect to stay home and miss the party. We would be missed and the next time probably get a lot of attention. Question is, do we want to miss a great social just to smooth our emotional state?

 For me it reinforces, that I am striving to accept what I cannot change. Therefore if I am relegated to second or third place in any or all relationships, I must attempt to deal with that. Those that I love have my unconditional love. That means they don’t have to earn it. They don’t have to indulge or please me. They can hurt my feelings and I will forgive them and continue to love them with my whole heart. It’s not about me and my feelings. It’s about my unconditional love for them.

Do I fall short, yes. When I am hurt do I come back for more, yes. Is it worth the effort, yes. Am I improving, yes. Our lives on earth are about learning how to love, truly love unconditionally. When we get it, and learn it, we come to realize everyone is our family. What a wonderful world we would have, or create, if that could become a reality.

“Not in the clamor of the crowded street, nor in the shouts or plaudits of the throng, but in ourselves are triumph and defeat.”

“Very often a change of self is needed more than a change of scene.”  Arthur Christopher Benson

“When you’re different, sometimes you don’t see the millions of people who accept you for what you are. All you notice is the person who doesn’t.”
― Jodi Picoult,

“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.”
― Lao Tzu

Roads That Lead Nowhere

roads that lead no where“Life is no straight and easy corridor along which we travel free and unhampered, but a maze of passages, through which we must seek our way, lost and confused, now and again checked in a blind alley. But always, if we have faith, a door will open for us, not perhaps one that we ourselves would ever have thought of, but one that will ultimately prove good for us.” A. J. Cronin

“You may encounter many defeats but you must not be defeated. In fact it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are , what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”    Maya Angelou

I have recently been the recipient of 3 young peoples’ cries for help. It seems to be an epidemic. Young people get so lost in their unhappiness and powerlessness that they spiral downward quickly. Maybe it is time for all of us to recognize the needs and implores of others. Sometimes through helping another, we can also help ourselves. So many feel trapped in an existence that they cannot control or change. Of course this isn’t always the case but if one believes it to be true then for all intensive purposes it is. We need to break the spiral by recognizing the triggers sooner and intervening.

Life is almost impossible to take. At times many of us think it is too difficult. That is when we should ask for help. We need a listening ear, a comforting embrace outside intervention or a new frame of mind. It doesn’t need to be life threatening but for those, who view the world narrowly, it might be. They can’t see beyond the mountains they can’t climb. One day they might fly over these mountains but for the moment they or we are trapped.

As adults we need to take cries for help from young people seriously. A young person laments not having a girlfriend or boyfriend. It may  to us appear to be meaningless. To them it is heartbreaking and diminishing. They feel like they are a loser and they turn to outside things to make the pain disappear if only for a short while.

Sometimes parents think in time they’ll get over it and so little attention is paid to this situation. I am not blaming parents by any means and many times even with total intervention the situation gets worse. But for those situations that might get better with immediate attention, I suggest a focusing in on a child or teens problem. They may not whine or complain but they will appear unhappy and withdrawn. Pay attention.

Waiting is not an answer. Step in right away. Don’t worry about appearing foolish. Better to be foolish and mistaken than lax and have a major problem. One needs to put other issues aside and deal with what is at hand. Partial or small attention to the matter will not get it resolved. Your full focus must be given. Place its’ importance high. Talk talk talk with your child, and spend time with them. Don’t assume they are okay  when they tell you to deal with your own business.  Continue to remain resolute. Keep your attention on them resolute.

Find groups or sports or community activities for them to be a part of depending on their likes. Join something together if you can. Work on a project together and discuss other options in their lives. Do a clean up of the town,  volunteer or coach a younger group of kids with them, encourage them to join a fire department explorer group or get them a job. The point is they need to feel wanted, appreciated and substantiated. They need to feel worthwhile. We all need to feel this. They are in crises at the moment so it is more important for their needs to come first even before our pleasures or downtime.

Search, ask questions, never say I’ve tried everything because you haven’t and the stakes are too high to stop or let go. Diverting attention to a worthier cause or effort will redefine who they are. It might take a long time in the struggle and an abundance of effort on our part, but we will possibly have the results we strive for. If any person close to us, be it child or adult, is in an inner conflict, it becomes necessary for us to get involved in any manner that we can to remedy the situation. If it is ourselves that has the problem, recognize it and seek help immediately. Like clouds on a rainy day, it will pass in time and the sun will shine again.

We all have times when life appears to offer us confusion. If it overwhelms us then we find ourselves in a fog of confusion. It is difficult to find the right path even when we are searching. Our minds get clouded and our judgement is poor. At those times leave the big decisions for another day and consult with those you trust. If you are the recipient of the trust, consider yourself chosen to have such a powerful role in aiding another human being in their search to find peace security wholeness and most importantly their place in this big confusing harsh world.

“Progress always involves risks. You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.” Frederick Wilcox

“Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated failures. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.” Calvin Coolidge

Escape to Your Happy Place

escape to happy placeHas anyone discovered how fast our energy depletes when we are around negative thinking people?

At times, we may give freely of our advice and listening ear but sometimes we deplete our own resources. We are not always aware of how easily they take our energy. Likewise, we can deplete our own energy when we spend so much time reflecting on the hurts and insults we received throughout the day. In order to release these harmful thoughts, we must review the positive remarks others have sent our way and drop the negative emotions tied to any words or actions sent our way.

I know it always sounds easier than it is to do. Actually by focusing on happier moments of interactions throughout the day we manage to let go of or block out feelings of humiliation or lack of self-worth. It is so difficult for me to let go of these restraining bonds I create with my negative thoughts. They come as a result of the injurious retorts others lash out at me.

I reflected on this and realized how much wasted time I was giving to horrible feelings which mean acts had caused. My focus began to turn to more positive thoughts and I suddenly began to perk up and feel better.

My conclusion was to keep my thoughts on higher subjects, purer ideas and soul boosting happy thoughts. It works so for those who can’t seem to keep out the negative, take my advice and think about happy things, places and people, actions, projects and awe inspiring details. You won’t have room for those negative thoughts and they are put to rest.

One son told me one time that I didn’t always get angry with someone or something because I went to my happy place. I agree and recommend it to everyone.

The next time someone takes more than their share of your good energy, advise as best you can and then walk away, change the subject, or go to your happy place and refresh your own soul.

In the end, you will increase your energy. All of us at times need a boost in our resources but we should never take all of it from another. Let insults roll off of your back and they won’t get stuck to you. Let negative thoughts of another dwindle and you will be flowing with enthusiasm. Look for the good in people and dismiss what you don’t like in them. We are all such a mixture and more jumbled on any given day.

Our moods are ours to control. As my son says “Mom just goes to her happy place.” I reply, “You’re welcome to come.”