“Hope works in these ways: It looks for the good in people instead of harping on the worst; it discovers what can be done instead of grumbling about what cannot; it regards problems, large or small, as opportunities; it pushes ahead when it would be easy to quit; it “lights the candle” instead of “cursing the darkness.” Anonymous
How easy it is for all of us to become disenchanted with objects people and life in general. We expect our lover or spouse to be everything to us. In the beginning it is probable that they do attempt to please us a lot. Time wears everyone down and our relationships deteriorate quickly. Suddenly the man or woman of our dreams enters from behind the smokescreen and they don’t present such a pretty picture. We question our saneness for choosing such a person in the first place.
It may not be time to dump the lover or friend but it might be time for a reevaluation of what it is we are looking for. Everyone tells us to set our goals and expectations high. We did and the disillusionment is hurtful. Goals and objectives should be high when accounting for our personal values, morals, beliefs, principles and standards. Checking through our list we may discover that this other person has received a check in all areas. So what happened.In most cases, life happened. Just because they met the criteria for our objectives doesn’t mean they can save us from all of life’s hurts and pain. As soon as we discover they can’t protect us in that manner, we immediately want to cut them free. We have a need to move on and find someone else. We don’t even know for sure they weren’t the right one for us. They let us down but did they?
It might be time to reflect on the reasons or in what way we perceive they disappointed us. We came home from a tough day at work and they didn’t even start supper or empty the dishes. We find their clothes thrown all over the bedroom and the dog just urinated on the floor because they didn’t let him out before flicking on the television and turning on the computer. How did they become so thoughtless we think. How did they get so lazy we wonder. When did their own needs come first and selfishness take preference we mull over shaking our now throbbing heads.
I have been there and done that but then I began to think, what makes me believe my day was worse than their day. Why should I depend on them beginning dinner every night. Did it occurr to me that maybe they had to go to the bathroom in sort of an emergency type of situation which they would never confide about now. Sometimes the house is too quiet before I get home and the noise of the TV and computer brought peace and connectedness to them.
I guess I was just seeing it from my perspective. They most likely have a different viewpoint of the proceedings. The truth is we are surely concerned with our own needs wants and agendas. When someone else’s agenda jives with ours life is bliss but when it diverts there is trouble in paradise. By recognizing this belief, we realize the person did not suddenly metamorphosis but thought about number one.
In the beginning of any relationship we attempt to please give in and alter ourselves if necessary. As the relationship evolves we find it unrealistic to continue such an endeavor. The problem is we don’t confide to our significant other, that the playing field has changed. We both buck heads, disagree and wonder what we loved in the first place.
That is the key to saving the relationship. What the ideas are that brought us together. By taking a breather we can discover that we still love this messy loud individual. When they meet our standards at the core, the rest is the small stuff. At times or most times the small stuff is tremendously irritating but should never be the stuff that breaks the bonds. The key ingredients are present so it is time to let the irritations roll off.
There will always be irritations no matter who we are involved with. I believe that is a secret no one dares to look at. We assume we can do better, choose a more compatible or likable person. It is exciting to begin again and the euphoria one feels in a brand new relationship can be overwhelming. So our latest and greatest of plans is set and we start a new relationship.
The new love fades as we find different areas of our life which they have made us unhappy. We become defeated and dejected wondering when we will learn to pick a winner. Nobody stops to review the fact that we all come with our fractured side. No person was ever born to make us happy and whole at all times. That part is our own job. In ourselves are the seeds to win or lose. We can triumph or become defeated. Take up the responsibility for self and it may be easier to gain a rich relationship with some give and take.
So if you have invested in this person and in their life and they are making you angry, it is at this point you need to step back, and recall your checklist. Remember what matters and literally toss the negative thoughts from your mind. They really may be the correct person for you to have in your life. You can’t dwell on their negative unimportant qualities when they have some serious positive qualities. I know there will always be those days they will disappoint but the happy times will be too many and will defeat the negative. The relationship will survive those days and more.
If you anticipate having some frustrations, it will allow you to control them, understand them for what they are, and then release them thereby maintaining your bonds.
“Very often a change of self is needed more than a change of scene.” Arthur Christopher Benson
“Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.” Swedish Proverb
“Things that matter most should never be at the mercy of things which matter least.” Johann Van Goethe