“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” Mother Teresa
“Life is strong and fragile. It’s a paradox… It’s both things, like quantum physics: It’s a particle and a wave at the same time. It all exists all together.” Joan Jett
“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.” Mark Twain
I will hurt inside, cry later in the privacy of my home, laugh at the absurdity, and never show my sensitivity to those who are deliberately attempting to bring me pain. When I release my hurt and agonize alone, I actually feel the vulnerability dissipate and the strength replace the anguish. I truly stand taller and although the ache is still within, the knowledge of my power to overcome such pain is a relief.
Sometimes I wonder if the person or people who hurt me are aware of what they did. Perhaps they don’t always intend to bring judgement and pain but when they assume they comprehend another person, they begin tossing out the insults to tame and keep someone else in line. In the process they mentally diminish the person they focus on. Most likely they may not have meant to perpetrate such action so profoundly, and in such a disturbing and crushing manner.
Probably we have all been at the receiving end of such interactions. We likely have all been ostracized from groups or discussions for one reason or another. Let’s face it, if you don;t agree with the majority simply bowing out of the group is the best answer, if you want to save your dignity and or sensitivity. Some people don’t like to listen to another idea that is different from theirs.
Sometimes those who get hurt are the first ones to venture into another discussion at a later time in order to build their own self-esteem and confidence. They are ready for the battle and equipped to demolish the opposing rivals. This of course leads to more suffering and a false sense of a gain in prestige. Whenever we make a point at the expense of another we are not aiding anyone including ourselves. If we want collaboration and cooperation which leads to peace, we must think of other ways to ease our hurt egos and sensitive spirits.
When we speak harshly to our children we crush their spirits. Even when they are doing something wrong, it does not ever give us the right to smash their frail egos and sensitive natures. When a child lives with harshness they learn to harden their shells. In the process their flames of empathy and kindness dim and eventually go out. I ponder the reasons we have for inflicting pain in order to display a false sense of being in control.
Perhaps it begins with the parental choice of domination and discipline. Although most parents admit they love their kids unconditionally, actions speak louder than words. If the parents verbal onslaught and physical aggression reduces the child’s control and confidence then it will also reduce the child’s sense of being loved. That is a harsh but true accusation. Reality is never pretty but we all grow from facing truth.
I reflect on the notion that the seeds for bullying begin from such tactics. Just like people who are wounded at a gathering of any kind including workplaces, feel the need to attack and get back their honor and self-respect, so to does a child require a boost in control of their lives by inflicting pain on a lesser individual. When we are all attempting to find fault and blame we might search and find our answers within our own actions.
Nobody likes a put down and everyone wants respect. It is so simple a theory. Kids are no exception. The worst issue for kids is that they are crushed by the people they love the most. It certainly makes one think and rethink how they handle children. Even teachers who find it necessary to blast a loud voice at kids for misbehaving, must also reevaluate how they are teaching and what they are teaching.
If adults don’t like domination and jurisdiction then neither do kids. Of course many times we can’t change the way things are so we are left with how to deal with such incidences. The best but most difficult answer is to walk away. That is not always an option for most of us. The next option is to speak your mind clearly and distinctly and then hold your temper and malice when others share thoughts that are demeaning and cutting to what you had to offer.
I for one admit that many times those of us who get swallowed up in a disagreement actually have followers who are silent. There are others who won’t admit publicly, that they share our thoughts. It doesn’t help us at the time of the disagreement but it gives one food for thought. People never want to fight with the more powerful or louder opponent. Nobody desires confrontation. Silence doesn’t always mean agreement. It simply means one recognizes the control within the situation and refuses to add fuel to the blaze.
Now I can leave a disagreement knowing that even if I have publicly lost the argument, I don’t have to wallow in my own self-pity. Losing doesn’t result in a change in opinion or a lowering of my self-esteem. As a matter of fact, there are times when I believe it gives honor to me and anyone who brings food for thought to the table. I guess we must get over the strong affront from others who many times are in a foul mood or pushing an alternate agenda. Those in power are always feeling threatened by others who differ from them. Having this knowledge gives us courage to speak up regardless of the abuse we may acquire. Truth and reality gives all of us a fresh breath of air and sunshine.
Children thrive better when disciplined with love consistency and meaningful consequences. It is also wise to listen to a child’s reasons for outbursts and physical behavior. It doesn’t mean we approve of the behavior just because we aloud them to speak. At times it enlightens us to a problem we may not have noticed or were not aware of. Knowledge always brings more power and understanding to any situation. You don’t want to be the parent who is basically saying, “I am hitting you for hitting another. I don’t want you hitting now but when yo are grown feel free to hit your kids.”
Perhaps by placing ourselves in an others shoes we might see the situation through their eyes and come to understand the paradoxical problem we have when we get hurt and then hurt others. Unless we nurture and inspire more empathy we will raise warring, rather than caring people.
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” Mohandas Gandi
“Anyone can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success. ” Oscar Wilde
“To be angry is to let others’ mistakes punish yourself. ” Master Cheng Yen
“Try not to become a man of success, but rather to become a man of value. He is considered successful in our day who gets more out of life than he puts in. But a man of value will give more than he receives.” Albert Einstein
“Only he who attempts the absurd is capable of achieving the impossible.” Miguel Unamuno
“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.” Abraham Lincoln
“We find comfort among those who agree with us, and growth among those who don’t.” Frank A. Clark
“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.” Bertrand Russell
Knowledge is proud she knows so much; wisdom is humble that she knows no more.” William Cowper