Family Rifts

“Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.”  Khali lGibran

“The tragedy of life is in what dies inside a man while he lives – the death of genuine feeling, the death of inspired response, the awareness that makes it possible to feel the pain or the glory of other men in yourself.”    Norman Cousins

Everyone has some issues within their families. Many parents are separated, which causes its’ own set of problems even for the married children. Some siblings are not speaking to certain other siblings. Some siblings dislike the new sister-in-law or brother-in-law. Cousins get angry with cousins. Fathers and sons clash on a regular basis, while mothers and sons or daughters  find themselves in ongoing arguments. Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law disputes are almost glorified. It leads one to wonder why the rifts  and battles continue, and to question why nothing usually changes even with time.

I thought about some personal experiences and concluded, we are simply seeking love, admiration and acceptance. Many believe an answer is not that easy, but actually fact is obvious to find. As a matter of fact, I have found that many problems are easier to solve than they appear. For instance, if we want to make amends with anyone, the simple reply of I’m sorry let’s be friends, would likely turn some things around for people.I appreciate how difficult it is to be sorry to someone who has hurt us, or who we believe has hurt us. We seek revenge or at the very least, satisfaction in their suffering a similar fate. The trouble increases with time. We don’t heal the wounds. They fester instead, and the truth is unclear, making it impossible for those involved to figure it out.

It is so overwhelmingly sad, to observe kind wonderful people in such a dilemma. We want to make things better, and some of us offer the listening ear. Most people in pain only want the soundboard, and so nothing changes. Unless hearts are willing to alter their stance, everything remains as is.

I venture to say that actually things get worse, because as we all live our lives, we have problems surface in all areas. We don’t have the support from the distant opponent, and we miss it in a way. Instead of calling the person, and attempting a truce, we fill our hearts with more anger. Now we can add to the growing list of their negligence. They didn’t care when we were ill, and they never called. We completely forget to acknowledge they probably didn’t know about our situation. It doesn’t matter to us. All that matters to us is that they dropped the ball, and didn’t help us. How sad is this for both participants.

I see the bonds of dislike, or even hate, growing stronger. Of course the reality of the past gets altered in the process. Now the involved individuals gossip to friends, and other family members, about what happened. How awful this makes the other person appear to be. As neutral as others attempt to be, they are drawn into the drama with words of agreement, or support. If they try to clear the atmosphere, they are criticized. The quarreling person raises their voice, and continues with a tirade of wrongdoings, to confirm proof of their correctness in the argument.

My own decision is to let others talk, and say little myself. if I do speak. I most likely will regret it. I liken this to those who love to take pictures of those in the wrong. We see one side of the landscape, but not the other side. So perhaps all of the judgments we render, should be amended.  Listening and showing a calmness regarding the matter, may be a great thing to apply.

So many people miss communions, graduations, birthdays, mother’s day, father’s day, showers weddings and more, because of ongoing battles with others. The more the omissions pile up, the more we solidify our hate. On Holidays we blame the other accomplice, for not attending  family functions. We don’t see our fault in the unhappy atmosphere, that we helped to create.  The rest of the family is disappointed with the absence of either member. We refuse to admit  our own pain. Instead we boast how well we cope, and can do without the friend or relative. We ignore our aching heart because our pride is ruling our ego.

Time passes swiftly and years might leave us bitter. We might ask why we held on so tightly to our angry position, and caused ourselves so much pain. The answer is probably our need for love. We want and need love. If we don’t receive it, then like a plant in the closet, we die. Even if the plant gets soil and water, it won’t survive. Without the sun, or love, they die. So to do humans. We do it slowly, and some of us wilt, but many of us go out battling.

I guess my idea is that we have a responsibility to take notice. It isn’t worth ignoring and having people, or yourself, suffer a lifetime of pain. Tune into the signs and see through the rage, flying insults and even physical actions. Whether it is us, or another, we must get involved enough to render our apologies, if we are the erring party. If we are not I would still recommend a peace offering, because the days and years pass quickly, and it is not worth it, to keep the  fight  going.

What we must deeply investigate, is the factual truth in the situation. We all need love, so we should never withhold it, under the guise of standing strong. If we ever loved this person, we must search for a piece of it in our hearts, and attempt reconciliation. We might be adults, but our hurts and scars are as painful as a young child’s.

All parents are encouraged, to accept and love their kids. Never allow competition to be the game you play, in terms of a child’s intrinsic qualities. All kids deserve to be a winner in some aspect, and receive attention and love. All kids need praise to feel worthy and important to their parents. Find something worthwhile in your child to praise. Recognize the jealousy in the battles between people. It is most likely, the jealousy of wanting more love, and attention, than they are receiving. Never assume you have given enough care. Some of us need to hear it, or get more love than others might think is sufficient. I hate to use the word jealousy, because we believe a jealous person is an insecure person. Perhaps we fear losing something we need. When we lose it, we react by pushing it further away. I notice that when someone appears out of control, and angry,  love will stop it quicker than more anger and battles.

“From the deepest desires often come the deadliest hate.”    Socrates

“One who is injured ought not to return the injury, for on no account can it be right to do an injustice; and it is not right to return an injury, or to do evil to any man, however much we have suffered from him.”   Socrates

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”    Mark Twain

“Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.”    Mark Twain

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