Monthly Archives: December 2014

The Need To Be Understood

The Need To Be Understood“In the past there were people who were not rich but contented with their living style, laughing and happy all day. But when the new rich people appear, people look at them and ask, ‘why don’t I have a life like that too, a beautiful house, car and garden,’ and they abandon their values.”    Thich Nhat Hanh

“People suffer because they are caught in their views. As soon as we release those views, we are free and we don’t suffer anymore.”    Thich Nhat Hanh

~ “Mindfulness helps you go home to the present. And every time you go there and recognize a condition of happiness that you have, happiness comes.”     Thich Nhat Hanh

Here we go again attempting to explain what we meant by our recent discourse. The person misinterpreted our meaning. I would not doubt for  a second, how many times we are caught in such a situation. We just don’t grasp the implications from our interactions with others. The result is bewildering and hurt feelings. Misunderstandings and long time  rifts of one sort or another are inevitable.

How do we complicate the meaning of what others are trying to say and how do others misinterpret our words and bring doubt and mistrust into the relationship. We grasp what we want in any of our conversations. Our misunderstanding of the  encounter, causes us to  choose a negative review of the incident. We dwell on the tiniest insult while ignoring any praise. We have set ourselves up for failure.

For sure we don’t plan to be downbeat, but we sometimes have an attitude of what a person believes,  before they begin explaining something. In a way we have already selectively decided their points of view, which we usually deduce is contrary to our own.  We argue on cue. It leaves the accused, clarifying their thoughts. Accusations tend to trouble most of us, so to attempt elucidating our reasoning only confuses our accuser and ourselves. When anyone is on the proverbial hot seat, it is difficult to think clearly.

Pondering why so many of us deliberately recall exchanges with others, in such a manner disarray, is confounding. Perhaps some of us enjoy the uncomfortable position we placed another individual. Whatever the causes we likely have experienced both sides of such a situation. There is no winner only wasted time, effort and exacerbated feelings.

Delving more deeply into such occurrences, you find how needy we are for love, attention and to be understood. Perhaps we are angrier at someone’s lack of appreciating, our time and effort for doing something. Probably they don’t quite acknowledge enough empathy, for the situation we find ourselves in. Most likely we have a sense of being misunderstood, or under-appreciated for who we are, or what we do.

Exchanges in disagreements, allow us to continue in a more controversial manner. We are able to add our own agendas, and issues to the mix. Past hurts and unfinished business, sheds even more shadows onto the current dilemma. At best, when the argument has finished, we find how far we have ventured, from the original renditions of opinions. We find it further from the subject, that originated the controversy.

Most definitely we are all influenced by our obstacles in life. We see the world with different glasses, and our deductions are blurred and muddied by our past and present hindrances. We can’t always scream out, “Well it is easy for you to say that because you have more money, more support, a husband that listens, adult kids living close by or whatever else bothers us. Instead we ream the person who antagonized us,  for things they perhaps are not even guilty of. Our pain is hidden, but unresolved, and left to fester. We have the added burden of a broken relationship.

How does one compare lives or problems. Suffice it to say we all have our own challenges to overcome, and our battles to fight. We admit this up front, but then we proceed to lay it all out, and unravel and decipher our grasp of the situation. If we could see this from a child’s perspective, it would be like comparing who has the better toy truck. Does it matter?  It really doesn’t help either of the combatants.

Forgiveness is without a doubt, the most obvious solution to finding peace. The problem is at times, we still withhold it in our hearts. The words are spoken, but not deeply felt. It takes some compassion, and mindfulness to appreciate the depth of the hurt, and the unclear enlightenment attempting to filter into our thoughts and hearts.

Let’s face it, at times we are not always impressed with another person’s issues, because we deem our own to be so much worse. We try so hard to decode and decipher our problems, and it leaves us little time for sympathizing with others. Honestly, when we make time for another, we gain time for ourselves. Somehow the answers to our problems are possibly hidden in the obstacles another faces. It sheds light on our unclear thoughts and questions.

It is so unnerving to be in the position of clarifying, and elucidating our gist and intentions. Especially noteworthy is the perplexing insinuations, we sometimes unconsciously imply with our words. We want acknowledgement, attention, and love. We  want respect, and understanding. Our need to be noticed, is relevant in our desire for worth, for being of value, for receiving love in this whole wide universe.

What we perhaps hear at any given moment, is our own heart’s calling for love. We really are not so different nor separated in our wants and desires. Understanding how similar we are, ensures our ability for mindfulness. If we can get out of our heads, for a little bit, and get into our hearts, we will easily understand the unspoken words. Peace is attained, when we find more answers to the questions  we haven’t yet asked. Reflect in the silence, and discover serenity.

“Breathe in deeply to bring your mind home to your body. Then look at, or think of, the person triggering this emotion: With mindfulness, you can see that she is unhappy, that she is suffering. You can see her wrong perceptions. You can see that she is not beautiful when she says things that are unkind.”    Thich Nhat Hanh

Let us fill our hearts with our own compassion – towards ourselves and towards all living beings.    Thich Nhat Hanh

“To be loved means to be recognized as existing.”    Thich Nhat Hanh

“We are all the leaves of one tree; we are all the waves of one sea; the time has come for all to live as one.”    Thich Nhat Hanh

Just Be Yourself

“Say NO to the demands of the world. Say YES to the longings of your own heart.”   Jonathon Lockwood

“Your work is not to drag the world kicking and screaming into a new awareness. Your job is to simply do your work…Sacredly, Secretly, and Silently…And those with ‘eyes to see and ears to hear’ will respond.”    Unknown

Continually attempting to please others, is likely the most difficult job we all work at constantly. All our boasts about  not caring if someone likes it or not, are just nonsense. Deep down we want to make others happy. All of us work at making the grade, and becoming number one, in the eyes of another. What I have found is that it becomes impossible, to be the number one for any length of time. As hard as we work at it, eventually it wears us down, and I am not even sure others are totally aware of the game we are playing. They are too busy playing their version of it.

Most likely it begins at childhood, when we compete against our siblings for attention. Some of us find it easier to be people pleaders, but we all do it to some degree, even if we don’t admit to it. If our parents like something special for dinner, then that is what we cook when they are coming over. We bask in our ability to please them, and we beam, when they compliment us. Of course we get a bit  rigid when we hear about their  pleasure at another siblings house. How petty of us we think, but the feelings creep in, or is it the threat of losing love.

Young kids depend on mom and dad, and so the ability to accept sibling rivals, is important. Maybe we never evolve out of that position. Instinctively we continue to strive to please.  This perhaps continues with our jobs and the boss. Technically the boss is also a provider for us, and important figure in our lives. Husbands and wives play another role, and without knowing it,  demand more of our attention.

We all like to satisfy, receive praise, and feel that we make a difference in the lives of others. I know it is probably impossible to be in first place, all the time. It is extremely difficult, to  maintain a level of denial, in order to cope with the pleasures of others. Simply stated, we can’t be the perfect child forever. Finding our own lives is relevant. We can’t be the need fulfilling spouse every second. Our own needs must be taken care of. We are never the perfect parent, sibling or friend. Those times when we fail, are the times we beat ourselves up, for not satisfying another.

Perhaps it is time to ask if it is so important to always gratify. Likely we have degrees of how much importance we place on this attitude. It is paramount to accept the fact, that we cannot always placate those we love. If we only see ourselves through the eyes of another, then we lose ourselves in their perception of us. How they view us is how we rate ourselves. Now we are under pressure to come through. It is far better to appreciate  who we are. Our version of self, is the most important measurement we can accept.

Most of us probably are not aware of the importance, another person places, on what we think about them. As much as we attempt to keep parents happy, our children are doing the same thing with us. Every time we produce a guilt ridden situation,  we have endorsed a “striving to please” job. It only leaves us distraught at our attempts to gratify. Perhaps parents are not placing such burdens on us. It may possibly be us, who desire to constantly gratify those we love.

I honestly believe that in the end, we are so beat down that we give up. This is sad, but sometimes a blessing. After coming to terms with the limits of our capacity, we begin to discover ourselves. We also realize that we start doing things for others out of love, real love, rather than to attain a false belief of love. Most likely parents are not forcing kids to please, and may not be aware of the power they hold over their children. Adult children might become aware, that their parents are also not theirs to control. Kids need to learn independence, and thankfulness for the favors parents bestow.

Once this is accomplished, we can live our lives in honesty, and in a more relaxed state. We stop striving to constantly delight, and begin paying more attention to needs and support. It perhaps also gives us time to aid others, outside our circle of family and friends. If we dwell constantly on what we must do for someone, in order to maintain a tenuous sense of position, it allots  little time, to helping another, out of charity.

I know there were many times in my life, that I did things out of duty. There was some love intertwined, but for the most part, it felt more like being compelled to do it. Maybe it was my own sense of duty, or maybe it was guilt put on my shoulders. Likely it was a bit of both. I guess it is a good thing when a person comes to the realization sooner, rather than later, because pressure is relieved and living begins.

We strive to be the perfect parents, or grandparents. Then we discover how effortlessly, another parent or  grandparent assists our child in a profound and important way. Accepting this is crucial, to our own peace of mind. We all want what is best for our kids and grandchildren. If we love them truly, then there is no problem in accepting and being grateful, for the support of others. Loving can mean allowing our most treasured gifts, the freedom to be liberated. Letting go is difficult, but upon release,  peace is acquired. We also might find the loved one returns often. There is a comforting revisit, due to the lessening of restrictions.

The more we hold on tightly to what we perceive as ours, the more they struggle for autonomy,  and to please us. We leave them in turmoil. The expectations others have for us, as well as the ones we place on others, can consume our lives. It is so strange to have the independence, and knowledge of the love of others, without strings attached. Love is so gentle, that it is without physical attributes, and thus can only be felt within the body and mind. It is impossible to enclose, or keep love confined to oneself. By allowing love the freedom to expand, it draws back to us and gives thanks.

Even at work, there can be many who deserve credit for their abilities. We are one of many on the job. In no way are we depleted by someone’s fullness. Mothers and wives can love sons and husbands, without jealousy. Sisters-in-Law and brothers-in-law can love each other without competing. Siblings can understand that their parents love can be divided many times without any loss of love to them. Friends can accept the differences between each other, and the needs each individual fulfills. Grandparents can give unconditional love, without envy. I for one comprehend that letting go of demands, and competition, brings serenity. The empty space left from the lack of worry, is filled with more love. Serenity is far better than constant striving to please others. Life won’t always make you happy, but living a meaningful life will bring you happiness.

Strive For Happiness“PEACE It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things, and still be calm in your heart.” Unknown

“When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow  bring out the best in ourselves.”    William Arthur Ward

“We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.”     Cynthia Oziek

 

Answers Promote Questions

Answers Promote Questions“He who busies himself with things other than improvement of his own self becomes perplexed in darkness and entangled in ruin. His evil spirits immerse him deep in vices and make his bad actions seem handsome.”    Ali ibn Abi Talib

“I have a great respect for incremental improvement, and I’ve done that sort of thing in my life, but I’ve always been attracted to the more revolutionary changes. I don’t know why, Because they’re harder. They’re much more stressful emotionally. And you usually go through a period where everybody tells you that you’ve completely failed.”    Steve Jobs

“The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is.”    Winston Churchill

How easy it is to be judgmental of others. We all do it on a daily basis. Perhaps we don’t see it, or even realize we are doing it. Many of us would be surprised to find out, how often we make assessments of others. We judge people right down to their walk, talk and attributes of all kinds. It is almost a pastime, and we don’t mean any harm. Maybe it is time to question the habits and the reasons. We can’t always change our personal attributes. For this reason, any disapproval from others is heartbreaking. Sometimes our critique is based on our mood, attitude or feelings about the individual. Our examination might be fruitless and subjective.

The dilemma arises, when we don’t probe into some legitimate matters. Speaking against one’s personal qualities is abhorring. When we call attention to matters that are critical to one’s safety, and involves the growth of all of society, it demands our attention. No one likes analysis  of any kind. I envy and admire those, who can make a helpful point, without displaying any form of rebuke. In most cases, any disapproval sends us into a frenzy of mistrust.

I never plan on being reproachful, but at times the truth blurts out of my mouth, and of course feelings are hurt. I am so sensitive myself, and loathe direct remarks, yet to correct it in myself is not easy. Sometimes I get the laughs, like I can’t believe you just said that. We all handle censure in various ways. I am working on thinking before sharing.

Whenever we find answers to our questions, it results in more examination. The reason probably is because we are searching within the psyche,  where the past, present and plans for the future blend. I suppose former hurts leave us more vulnerable, and truth is painful and sometimes devastating.

Confronting veracity probably solves some problems, but seems to be something we choose to do quietly and alone. Another person’s interference is unwanted. When people burst in with obvious conclusions and reviews, they are ignored. It is easier to softly push truth, and be less offensive. Weighing every spoken word before attempting to speak, tends to downplay the facts. Actually, the truth is restrained in the process.

Most of us listen more to the kinder version of evaluations, but I have no doubt the impact is stronger when given the blatant compelling honest version upfront. The condemnation is devastating but inquiries arise quickly, and solutions are attempted.  If something is vital, do we get a free pass to speak immediately? Can we state our aim is pure and honorable, so overlook the bluntness? Maybe veracity is becoming hidden, because so many of us claim to fear truth. This unconsciously promotes the continuance of lies.

Of course it never appears to be appropriate to insult a person’s attributes, opinions, or social, political or religious beliefs. Should we get involved with issues that  hurt others emotionally, physically, morally, verbally, or sexually? Perhaps most of us would agree that in those situations stepping forward is necessary. Interrogations arise regarding the truth, the reasons, the measurement of the right or wrong, and the rights of an individual to have privacy. We are all so  totally chained to being politically correct, that we end up saying or doing nothing.

Probably those times we did confront an issue head on, we were perceived as the bad guy and nothing got accomplished. Most likely that is why we waver about helping or staying in the background. Staying detached from actual answers spares us the questions. By being removed from uncomfortable situations we delay the effort to search for results and we maintain a façade of peace. I personally think that those  moments we spoke without support, are still vitally important. Nobody can erase the speech, and perhaps there will be some people who review what was said. Likely it can be the forerunner of change in the future.

The negative daily responses we give to others, perhaps are surface, and due to our own stress relieving need. They no doubt pain the receiver, but we think of them as harmless. They likely are more than harmless. We don’t want to open the door to actual answers, that might result in more inquiries. Fearing the unknown  is difficult. We all must examine our own motives and fears about acknowledging truth of any kind when given a problem. Perhaps the hesitation that follows is the result of our own guilt, or that of some friends.

It is difficult  to face our own shame, and very harsh to admit fault in our friends or families. If we view the critical remarks as harsh, it actually keeps the truth covered up. Fact is then coated in a falsehood. Saving face or respecting only designated rights, allows one to pick and choose randomly.  The end result is loss of our humane code of ethics. Our hearts alone can tell us what is worthy of reflection.

The victims age, color, sex,  political or religious beliefs and economic status is irrelevant. All that is required is attention to the obvious suffering endured. Whatever  leaves people without options hope or love, demands our attention. Situations of the homeless, needy, and emotionally abused kids and adults, shouldn’t be left on the shelf for softer replies. If we have pride in our toughness, then we shouldn’t shirk at facing some honesty. It is never about shame or blame. It is about transforming problem situations.  Courage helps us confront the  difficult facts we encounter, when presented with some truths.

“The improvement of understanding is for two ends: first, our own increase of knowledge; secondly, to enable us to deliver that knowledge to others.” John Locke

“In matters of truth and justice, there is no difference between large and small problems, for issues concerning the treatment of people are all the same.”        Albert Einstein

“Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.”    Thomas Jefferson

“All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.”    Galileo Galilei

Don’t Die Before You’re Dead

Don't Die Before You're Dead“Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.”    Dalai Lama

“Through our willingness to help others we can learn to be happy rather than depressed.” Gerald Jampolsky”

“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.”    Audrey Hepburn

So many of us merely exist, and we focus on when we’ll die instead of living. We  wonder constantly where we are going. Likely we would not recognize where we wanted to go. We make more plans than ever before, yet accomplish less. We set goals we never reach, and worry about insignificant issues. We fear what might happen, worry about what we have already done, dread what others think about us, yet never contemplate what we think about ourselves. Outwardly we brag about our accomplishments, inwardly we are insecure. Our good times are spoiled with thoughts of what is wrong or missing  about the setting. But we refuse to appreciate what is right and happy about our environment.

I see a pattern. We  focus on the negative and wallow,  almost enjoying our unhappy situation. If we can’t stop to view the special beautiful moments of our existence, life will always exhibit the misery  and pain. I recently watched on the news, a  story of a homeless man who was given a hundred dollars. It was a test to see what he would do with it. Unbeknownst  to him, the camera people followed him around and saw him enter a liquor store. They were ‘aha’ just as they  expected. He came out with two huge bags and headed for a park, where there were other homeless people. To the news casters surprise, instead of liquor, he began taking all kinds of food from his bags. He spread it on about three different tables, in three different areas of the park, for  others to share. It ended up becoming a totally different ending to the story, than was anticipated.

I call this doing or living, rather than planning to die. He didn’t lament the  situation he or any others were in. He simply did something quite powerful,  in the name of humanity. He had so little himself, yet he was willing to share the tiny amount that he had. Nobody could plan such a revelation. There was an addition to the story a couple of days later. Upon hearing of his efforts, people donated over ninety thousand dollars, for him to use at his own discretion. What a powerful story.

How hard it is for us to find ourselves. We for the most part, all want to help others and be of service. We just don’t always know where to begin. I guess it is best to begin in our own back yards. Within our homes and communities we can easily find ways to make a difference. It seems that confusion time and energy kick in, and defeat our good intentions. We planned on volunteering,  yet the kids got sick and that ended that. Whatever the problems, at times we get way-sided.

Perhaps the strange thing is, that even a simple gesture of support within our  own homes, can produce the magic of serenity in another person’s heart. It may also afford peace to our own heart. We don’t have to be angry with ourselves about what we are doing or not doing. Loving those within reach, just like the homeless man did, is sending well wishes, joy and comfort to others. Of course  it boomerangs back to us. Doing a spouse’s job around the house, or offering supportive conversation can be as much of an uplift to someone,  as any outside effort we can muster. Perhaps we forget that those closest to us need encouragement at times. Making a difference in the world may begin within our own environments.

The more we get used to accomplishing small efforts of care to others, the easier it gets to take on larger tasks. The important thing  is to begin. If anyone can recall how tired they felt after cooking a big meal for a lot of people, they will  understand the thankfulness they felt upon receiving some help with the cleaning. What a good feeling. Simple  acts renew one’s spirit. That person in kind, can pay it forward. If we are never helped, we might become defeated and useless to others. Therefore we can never underestimate  the power we have to change situations, simply by supporting those around us. Those people we help, may go forward and aid others, having regained their own peace through our efforts.

Trying to take on more than we can handle, causes us to do nothing. It isn’t about showing others how great or important we are, nor how much we can handle, or assist. In any large or small event, it is the love put into it that counts, and that gives rise to the happiness. Just as we can’t always explain why we feel mixed up, and anxious, we also can’t always explain why some small act of care, fills us with a renewed spirit of joy. The small unimportant things, have great meaning.

There was no mention of thanks from the people who received the free food from the homeless man. Maybe they said thanks. If they didn’t, that did not mean they were not thankful. As hungry as they were, they attempted to wait until the homeless man had finished placing everything on the table, before grasping for food. Not one person grabbed at anything. The giver of the food, didn’t require a thank you. He swiftly moved from table to table. He obviously understood their thanks was the warmth in their hearts and smiles. We underestimate how often every day, we can spread kindness by our actions.

Instead of constantly being aware of the pain in our hearts, and the frustration and confusion about how to be a good person, we might transfer our microscope outward and focus on the plight of others. There is likely a needy person in all of us, on any given day. We actually improve our findings, as we learn to clearly look and observe. I have found that the jealousy, anger, and frustration dissipates. We see a whole person with their praiseworthy qualities, as well as those less than admirable  qualities. Perhaps they are working on improving their virtues.

When we search for the humanity in others, we find our own humaneness. Helping others, can keep us from becoming involved in negative activities. It can also focus our attention on the positive, rather than the negative, which perhaps controls our fear and anxiety. One doesn’t have time to wallow in self problems, when we are too busy concerning ourselves with living, and supporting those in need. On a clear day we can relish our efforts, to make positive changes for others. Mother Teresa once said, “We can’t always do great things, but we can do small things with great love.” We will come to realize suddenly, that we are not simply existing, but executing, through our living, a better life for others, and a more fulfilling life for ourselves.

“What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men. That is what love looks like.”    Saint Augustine

“A Christian reveals true humility by showing the gentleness of Christ, by being always ready to help others, by speaking kind words and performing unselfish acts, which elevate and ennoble the most sacred message that has come to our world.”    Ellen White

“You feel alive to the degree that you feel you can help others.”    John Travolta

The Criticism Cycle

criticism“My basis of morality is this: does this action enhance life, or does it denigrate life? Does it build up or does it tear down?”    John Shelby Spong

As I age I find I am still trying to separate myself from some instilled negative ways of living. Having brought this dilemma to the attention of others throughout my life, I have found most if not all of us suffer from observing the cycles of negative behavior displayed by others in  our environment. Aggression that is found in some family atmospheres tends to bring out our own aggression. Passive aggression observed from a parent’s way of dealing with anger or frustration teaches us how to  use these tools as needed in retaliation, survival or whatever. Bullying, competition found in full bloom teaches us power and control in a negative manner and jealousy.

As much as we pick up from our home environments, we vow to ourselves to do things differently. Perhaps we all believe we fail at this but likely we have not and likely we have improved our behavior. I must laugh when I hear the words, “I don’t want to be like my  father, or mother.” Yes we find the pieces of our home environments that simple didn’t work very good and we choose to attempt to do better.

Even when we find ourselves repeating a learned mistake we soothe our wounds with thoughts of not wanting to be like so and so. Lets’ face it, changing learned negative behavior is not easy. The good part is recognizing the unworthiness of negative thinking is half of the battle and a well begun beginning to transformation. I find for most of us we fall into a middle category but still repeat some harmful mistakes of previous generations. One finds that when we suddenly yell at kids or our husbands in a negative and condescending manner, it resembles the numerous times we observed the same negative behavior in the homes of our birth.

Later we are sorry and we ease our conscience with the understanding that it was all for the benefit of the person we yelled at. If they hadn’t gotten us upset or had finished what they were responsible for then we wouldn’t have had to behave in such a manner.  At those times we almost feel justified in our actions. On the other side of the problem we remember our own difficult times of putting up with similar hurtful situations.

I honestly feel that sensing the feelings we recall from the past is a learning situation. It reinforces our desire to change for the better. It is never about where we are at but where we are going. Perhaps at times when we behave poorly in our own assessments, it becomes more of a hands on type of learning that is deeply instilled. Learned behavior is extremely difficult to free oneself from but not impossible.

The knowledge that we comprehend the negative impact helps us immediately to be that much wiser from our learned actions. We do absorb the goodness that we grow up with as well as the negative. It is up to us to acknowledge the differences and tread a new path for ourselves. That  is how we alter and grow into something more positive.

If we observed constant fighting and bickering growing up, perhaps we find more fault in our spouse than is actually present. When we observe bullying it can’t help but instill us with aggressive thoughts if only for the sake of defending ourselves. Expecting deceit brings it. Expecting anger, fighting, rivalry, unfairness and any negative attribute also sends it our way. Start expecting improvement in all areas and you’ll be surprised how much you will see.

I find criticism of any kind to be the most detrimental to the flourishing nature of the child. Living with a constant barrage of hurtful accusations is like having an onslaught on your spirit. I know that the insults are usually meant to be a way of inspiring better behavior. I venture to say the good behavior may advance but the self-esteem dwindles. We are all more fragile than we admit. We further our security and confidence when we recognize our own merit.

Listening to others complain about our imperfections ruins our sense of self and depletes our energy. Children are not immune to disparagement. Perhaps a bit of encouragement and support might spur kids on and build their resolve to amend. Some of us procrastinate, suffer a temper, deal with meekness in defending ourselves,  and worst of all adults and children take the denigrating remarks of others, to heart where they chip away confidence. The end result is sometimes despair and desertion of attaining any goals and a total lack of effort.

When one is broken, it is hard to glue the pieces back together. I for one will always glue those pieces, regardless of how many,  because as we develop,  however slowly, the scars and seams fade away. The vital importance of accepting self and admitting the genuine amount of goodness within us is significant. Blocking the flood of negative thoughts about self is the first step. It is okay to observe and notice that we have value. Finding that begins our journey of self discovery and a reality of truth and joy in the virtuous we easily find.

many people praise others for so many reasons. People are honored and glorified for so much. We hold on pedestals, those the world admires. There is so much we don’t really know about such individuals. Everyone hides what they don’t like about self. When we see only the negative about self we are hiding the truth about our own praiseworthiness. Some sins are simply hidden better than others. As stealthy as it is to cover up negative truth, it is even more horrendous to ignore and deny the positive truth.

When upset many of us wallow in self pity and display a forlorn and low opinion of ourselves. We hold a belief at that time, that we are the equivalent of dirt under the feet of others. Such is so not the case. The ability to feel so much pain, remorse and self deprecation tells a different story. The sensitivity explains a deepness of one’s character. It is full of empathy waiting to be unleashed. the understanding of desperation which comes from a loss of faith in ones self displays an unperceived ability of humbleness. Turning the negative into positive breathes life into the body.

Everyone falters. Accept that about self rather than the constant criticism of disgrace. Improving is always a possibility. Defeatism is like a dead end road. We don’t ever want to discourage others from advancing. We can all do with development, both the highest among us and the lowest. The way we help someone to expand  is crucial.

Parents unwittingly can put us off our game. We  do the same to our own kids. Nobody plans it. We just try to solve problems with the knowledge we have at the time. Trust in your own abilities to perceive what feels right. Disregard the fear and challenge to change. Ignore the naysayers who make you hesitate in trusting your importance. Let go of blame because we all make mistakes so don’t keep placing the fault on others. We are all doing our best. Accept the goodness you found at home and toss away the negative. There is not time for blame only for learning understanding moving on and doing and saying everything with love. Nobody can go wrong with that remedy.

“Imagine for a moment the result if everyone were to love one another as Jesus loves his disciples. We would have no bickering, quarreling, strife, or contention in our homes. We would not offend or insult one another either verbally or in any other way. We would not have unnecessary litigation over small matters.”    Joseph B. Wirthlin

“I am suggesting that as we go through life, we ‘accentuate the positive.’ I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still our voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment and endorse virtue and effort.”    Gordon B. Hinckley

Rejection Is Complicated

Rejection is Complicated“Most fears of rejection rest on the desire for approval from other people. Don’t base your self-esteem on their opinions.”    Harvey Mackay

“The ultimate authority must always rest with the individual’s own reason and critical analysis.” Dalai Lama

“All religions try to benefit people, with the same basic message of the need for love and compassion, for justice and honesty, for contentment.”    Dalai Lama

“Logically, harmony must come from the heart… Harmony very much based on trust. As soon as use force, creates fear. Fear and trust cannot go together.”    Dalai Lama

When we think about rejection, we recall friendships and boyfriends and girlfriends. Upon our loss of any kind, we review what we did and said and how others interacted with us. Many times we are left with feelings of guilt, remorse and we become determined to refrain from repeating what we perceive as the mistakes. How guilty we make ourselves believe. Even when others hurt us we somehow manage to turn it around and blame ourselves for the agonizing results.

Understanding the reasons for being rejected by anybody for any reasons is paramount to comprehending the complications of such situations. As early as childhood we face rejection from parents. Of course most parents love their kids but forms of discipline, and pain endured by parents who are attempting to avoid their own hurts get in the way of clear thinking. The result is rejection for minutes hours or days.

Children tend to be quick at rebounds and impulsive in their retorts and actions. It likely gets just about all of them in trouble with one parent or another. I suppose it takes tremendous thought on the parents part to understand the behind the scene reasons for such outbursts. A child who actually may want a parents’ love may forcefully reject the parent. Perhaps it gives the child control and probably the child wants to feel the parents love swiftly capturing him or her and sweeping them into their loving arms.

Of course a tired, weary stress ridden parent is unaware of the child’s hidden agenda and may carelessly misunderstand the behavior and resort to punishments and crying. Likely we have all been there. Viewing the situation from outside the circle allows one to notice that as upset as the parent is, the  child is more deeply affected. In this case one would say, the parent never meant to reject the child. The messages were not clear. The child might think, mom or  dad doesn’t love me, or I must do and behave in certain ways in order to keep their love. Love becomes conditional. Kids will accept the terms because love is so important to them and rejection is so horrible.

Parents likely assume the punishment worked but at times it has simply kept peace and control but perhaps not remedied the situation. Discussion brings understanding and enlightenment to a situation. The problem with discourse is sometimes we don’t have the time or the energy left after such an upsetting ordeal. Recognizing the signs of distress in kids helps to alleviate pain before it mounts. Realizing our own need for downtime and relief is also vital if we want to help ourselves in order to support our kids.

Dismissal from friends perhaps is the result of jealousy and envy. If one worries about weight, yet their friend is thin, it certainly can result in a crisis situation. Whenever we feel less of a person, in order to soothe ourselves we attempt to drag another down. We just can’t fathom our own worth. Making a friend believe they are not so great kind of keeps them under control. We don’t think about their hidden insecurities. At the moment we are concerned with our own.

Boyfriends who are jealous attempt to keep all other suitors away. In this way they confine their prize in order to keep it secure. None of us stop to think that such a manner of acting doesn’t work. At some future time perhaps our spouse will wander or attempt to leave. When the ensuing rage starts,  the results are seen in fights and sometimes death of one spouse at the hands of another. If we could sense or grasp the pain we all feel from rejection, we might figure out the power and deep pain we share deep inside. When we have love we fear losing love. Without love we search for any kind. Love does make the world go around.

Friendships thrive on sameness, compatibility and sharing of similar tasks and likes. New arrivals are not always welcome because it changes the mixtures’ texture. New friends who are added can rearrange things, cause stress and havoc and bring about jealousy and vulnerability. We might deny this or choose to ignore it but perhaps we do ignore our sensitivities too much. By accepting them and grasping them, we might lighten the anxiety.

Some people have a need to flirt with others when out with their significant other. Likely it is their insecurity that brings about the flirting. They need to feel wanted and desired by many so that they are built up enough to believe they would never lose the one they are with. After all they think, I am desired by others. I wonder sometimes at how much love we are lacking in our lives. If we love ourselves we can find love in our world. Real love is not mean, or unkind. It doesn’t hurt, cause  pain or brag. It isn’t boastful nor demanding. Love is gentle enduring and unconditional. It is free and returns of its’ own free will. It is never contained or hidden.

Siblings resent each other at times and perhaps by noticing the competition that started from childhood,  we can understand why sibling jealousy is prevalent. Siblings might have discovered at an early age that they are vying for their parents approval and acceptance as well as their love. Parental love might come at the price of a rejected sibling. The love lost between siblings is sad. So many devote their lives to avoiding each other or resenting the company of each other. The reality is they miss what they yearn for. they would cherish the love from each other but don’t know how to go about rekindling it and rediscovering the love they felt and had.

Perhaps the rejections are not always real. Kids push parents away when they want them the most. Parents walk away from kids when they are so hurt yet they love their kids so much. Parent and child are wounded. Spouses hurt each other with mistrust and doubt. As much as they want each other to make the first move and reach across the table with a loving hand, they become immobilized in their fear of rejection. In a sense we label the weaker person as the one who needs and wants the love. We will pretend we don’t care or need the love rather than admit our desire for it.

The significance of love and what love means is genuinely beyond words. Even animals choose love over food and warmth.  Humans have a necessity for love and we all hate to admit that need. All of us are connected by the universal truth of love making the world go around. We are so good at rejecting each other. We desire to be needed more than to need. Our requirements are basically  the same so there is no shame when the object of our affection hurts us with their rejection.

Guilt never works. It is negative and brings us down further than we already are. Guilt will separate us rather than bring us together. Let go of the guilt.  Choose to absolve yourself of guilt feelings. Punishing yourself doesn’t solve the problem. We might think in terms of deserving the pain that guilt  brings. We don’t. So let it go and trust yourself to move to higher ground with a better attitude. It is about improving not about guilt. We want our kids to do better and not be dragged down. We want to do better  so we shouldn’t spiral downward. Mistakes are not made to be reviewed continually. They are lessons learned. Forward movement is part of growth.

Perhaps when we can admit how wonderful and beautiful love is we will come to deal with each other in a more loving manner. It isn’t about power, control or chaining our loves. It is about understanding, acceptance, freedom, compassion kindness empathy tolerance and especially living, laughing and loving. We, after all, are more spiritual than human. Trust your loving intuition. While your mind is calmly reasoning, allow your heart to open the door to more loving responses. We all hate rejection of any kind. Discover and learn from mistakes. treat them as stepping stones to a better you.

“We can reject everything else: religion, ideology, all received
wisdom. But we cannot escape the necessity of love and compassion….
This, then, is my true religion, my simple faith. In this sense, there is no need
for temple or church, for mosque or synagogue, no need for complicated
philosophy, doctrine or dogma. Our own heart, our own mind, is the temple.
The doctrine is compassion. Love for others and respect for their rights and
dignity, no matter who or what they are: ultimately these are all we need.
So long as we practice these in our daily lives, then no matter if we are
learned or unlearned, whether we believe in Buddha or God, or follow some
other religion or none at all, as long as we have compassion for others and
conduct ourselves with restraint out of a sense of responsibility, there is
no doubt we will be happy.”― Dalai Lama XIV

Evolution Of Conscience

MeditationIt really is time to bring back our conscience. “In order to carry a positive action we must develop here a positive vision.”    Dalai Lama

“If you truly get in touch with a piece of carrot, you get in touch with the soil, the rain, the sunshine. You get in touch with Mother Earth and eating in such a way, you feel in touch with true life, your roots, and that is meditation. If we chew every morsel of our food in that way we become grateful and when you are grateful, you are happy.”    Thich Nhat hanh

“Soon silence will have passed into legend. Man has turned his back on silence. Day after day he invents machines and devices that increase noise and distract humanity from the essence of life, contemplation, meditation.”    Jean Arp

“Meditation is the soul’s perspective glass.”    Owen Feltham

Discussing how one has been reflecting or meditating is not usually a topic of conversation at a gathering. If a person does mention any kind of rumination it sometimes causes an uneasiness in others. It  certainly is something to reflect on. Why would anyone be against thinking. For most people, pondering anything seems to be non-existent. I am  not trying to  be critical because I always make excuses why I don’t have the time to meditate or do a check on conscience. I am concerned at our reasons and what the results are from so many people not having time to contemplate their words and actions.

How many times do we say or do something we are sorry for later. Instead of reflecting on how it happened. Instead we venture a quick apology so that life can continue onward. We might pat ourselves on the back for our ability to apologize to another and we immediately get back to our tremendous workloads and burdens not considering how our conscience senses the wrongdoing. Truthfully do we understand the meaning behind what we  have done? Some of us attempt  to explain to our kids why the mistake they made was hurtful. Perhaps should process our own mistakes in a similar fashion. We believe we understand what we did was wrong so we desire to apologize and quickly move on from the incident.

The huge problem I have with this is that I find myself repeating the same mistakes. It sometimes becomes habitual. One day when I got tired of a repeated mistake I meditated and found it formed a deeper understanding in my  heart and actually gave rise to my conscience. The other thing we never bring up is conscience. However I found my  conscience to be more of a guiding post. Whenever I was in a dilemma and about to bring pain to another that inner voice gently reminded me of a previous time I went down the same road. By doing so I switched paths. Of course it doesn’t always work that way but from reflection, meditation mulling things over or whatever one wants to call thinking, I found myself more willing to go down the more difficult road to peace.

It appears we have so much negativity on the news and television and media. I’m sure it leaves us all wondering where it began and how it will end. I suppose it has started within us and will only  end when we stop being afraid to think and consider alternatives to our problems besides the quick angry thoughtless solutions. Without thought tempers flare, we, spouses, children, friends and family are hurt by words or actions or both. Mostly it is never a one time ordeal. We repeat the pain.

When anything is not working it is time to investigate and think about another answer. That is if we really want a solution or a band aid. I see our world now covered in band aids. The blood  may gush from the sides of the wounds but we simply reapply another band aid. Most likely until there is some soulful reflection nothing will change. Husbands and wives who spend most of their time together in fighting must meditate and mull over why and how they can honestly make things work or find another answer that doesn’t involve the tremendous pain they cause each other.

Parents who lose their tempers with kids simply because the parents are in a bad mood, disappointed with life, or their job, or spouse, need to consider the deeper meanings. It  certainly is worth attempting some untried remedies because the regulars have been proven to be useless. Siblings who have suffered jealousy issues at the hands of parents from an early age must ruminate alternative seasonings for the occurrences. I know some parents who admitted they embarrassed a child and praised a sibling so as to encourage the erring child to do better. We might think this sounds absurd but we might be surprised to find ourselves guilty of similar circumstances. In the end we all want to improve our kids but it seems logical to ponder our options for accomplishing such a task rather than lash out in frustration.

If government thought things through before endorsing laws they might save all of us some painful situations. Without thought we make laws, enforce ridiculous rules, forget about essentials and live with the regret of our lack of thinking. Families create harmful tensions without meaning to do it. They also manifest lifelong problems by  pitting siblings against each other.

I don’t want the negativity. To focus on the positive is vital. It is never too late to change or to meditate and mull over our present home, government, and spiritual condition. It benefits us and all who come into contact with us. Perhaps  one day we might begin our conversations with others by  mentioning how much time we had to spend reflecting on issues within or outside the home. We might even spur others on to meditation and thinking.

Maybe we might all be encouraged to play chess. One realizes that you must contemplate many moves into the future, patiently wait and trust that your currently poor situation will change. It might  makes us understand and appreciate how far reaching our every word and action is to us and everyone else in our sphere regardless how far distant they are in our sphere. Turmoil  within a household creates turmoil for us at work. Disruption at home manifests uprisings at school for kids. uneasiness and distrust among family members causes unhappiness for all and clouds of despair which many times leads to depression.

Likely when despondency grows we don’t reach out to others because we won’t  give them the pleasure of seeing us in pain. How sorrowful for us all to witness misery and the perception of others that we would gloat about it. It is as if we believe others are deliberately attempting to knock us down rather than support us. This is where I see understanding through contemplation of the whole and bigger picture. We can’t be afraid to look at and view truth in all situations. Most problems may be solved by facing what we thought was truth and finding a different story. So many have covered up stories that  should be revealed and soothed. In the process we all find some enlightenment and serenity. With reflection we find our knowledge alters our perception. Reflection runs the risk of exposing truth and perhaps revealing more pertinent solutions. Thinking stirs our inner spirits to a positive comprehension.”

“Of the real meditation practice is how we live our lives from moment to moment to moment.”  Jon Kabat-Zinn

“At the end of the day, I can end up just totally wacky, because I’ve made mountains out of molehills. With meditation, I can keep them as molehills.”  Ringo Starr

“Prayer is when you talk to God. Meditation is when you’re listening.” Kelsey Grammer

“Meditation is not to avoid society; it is to look deep to have the kind of insight you need to take action. To think that it is just to sit down and enjoy the calm and peace, is wrong.” Nhat Hanh

“By turning your eyes on God in meditation, your whole soul will be filled with God. Begin all your prayers in the presence of God.”    Saint Francis de Sales

“Meditation is the tongue of the soul and the language of our spirit.”    Jeremy Taylor