Category Archives: Divorce

Everyone Disappoints

Everyone Disappoints

“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half closed after.”  Benjamin Franklin

“Perhaps, if you weren’t so busy regarding my shortcomings, you’d find that I do possess redeeming qualities, discreet as they may be.  I notice when the sky is blue.  I smile down at children.  I laugh at any innocent attempt at humor.  I quietly carry the burdens of others as though they were my own.  And I say ‘I’m sorry’ when you don’t.  I am not without fault, but I am not without goodness either.” Richelle E. Goodrich

“As a matter of fact, we are none of us above criticism; so let us bear with each other’s faults.” L. Frank Baum

“Because he has never forgiven himself any fault, he can forgive no one else’s.” Linda Berdoll

The hardest thing to come to terms with is the fact that nobody is always agreeing with us one hundred percent of the time. As a matter of fact there are many times throughout the day when our closest family members  sell us out or disappoint us. Of course the ideas quickly depart from our minds because we just can’t handle the disappointment we feel. Spouses children parents siblings friends co-workers and bosses are all included.

Checking this out takes courage. When we walk or run away from the hurt we return when things have calmed down and we perceive the person is now within their right minds. We never consider that perhaps it is the other way around and the true colors were revealed if only for a brief moment. War between family members is not what I am searching for nor do I believe we don’t love and care for each other. I think that we all worry about our own state of mind and body and if called upon to work hard for another we manage it but not without a few scars in the process.

As important as it is to care for ourselves, we make some time for those we love and come to their support. Of course at times they are still frustrated because we have maybe not jumped as quickly as they had wanted. The more we feel justified in our reactions the more they might feel wronged. At times finding the truth and meaning behind all of it is confusing to say the least.

What went wrong is everyone’s thought. In all of our relationships we have the ups and downs and if we believe we can only keep it to the ups, we will be greatly frustrated. Perhaps that is why our marriages and relationships of all kinds fall apart. It honestly has nothing to do with truth but everything to do with perceptions. Likely our discernments regarding our favorite people is slanted because of our high regard for them. In our eyes they are perfect and any kind of a let down is disheartening to us. We give them no rope.

They require space to grow, make mistakes and learn from them, as well as bad days when their self-esteem is perhaps not what it normally is. I know I don’t go around the world professing my ego is in the bucket at the moment so please refrain from all criticisms. I do the opposite and hide my sensitivity on that particular day.

My thinking and statements may not be as clear or as kind because my mood and feelings are at an all time low for the moment. It doesn’t make any difference who approaches me on that day. I will freely dish out my anger in frustrating ways. I might even be meaner to those I love because I believe I don’t have to hide my feelings. They perhaps are taking the brunt of my unsettling mood. I don’t always sense any feelings of regret when it is all over because likely I deserved a day off especially when I have always been there for these people. I deduce that I deserved a day of compensation and they should understand that.

If I see this from the receivers end I totally get the saddened mood these people experience as well as the disillusionment of who I really am. All of the high expectations they had of me are currently dashed and after perhaps years of caring consoling and being there for them I have transformed into some hideous monster that they are steering clear. They might even profess to never trust me again. If I do resolve any and all issues I had with them likely the wheels on the track are still a bit shaky and they are nervous to have faith in me again.

This has happened to just about all of us. So  now the consideration is why we see the tiny negative situation against the huge number of positive times they were right by our side. Maybe we are looking for perfection in others yet willingly admit we are not perfect. We so readily cancel out family members and friends who have hurt us to move on towards others who dissatisfy and upset us even more. Perhaps we have faith that we will find the right person eventually, who will make everything faultless.

Siblings cut their  connections, friends find new friends, parents and children live in distrust of each other and couples split up in search of the flawless person. Of course we all find picture-perfect people at the beginning of any new relationship. The problem is we can’t maintain perfection forever for very long.

What does that leave us with and where do we venture from here we might ask ourselves. I think the stronger the relationships are, the quicker they weather through situations by confronting the truth in the connections to others. The more we are willing to confront our own issues the more willing we are to release another’s imperfections to the wind.

Never would I want serious pain and injury to my mind body or soul especially from someone I loved. I can however forgive others as I do want them to forgive me. If I only view their imperfections then they perhaps improve while I remain the same because I refuse to look at any imperfections in myself. Likewise if we transform ourselves as we find and view our shortcomings but our partner refuses to face their defects then our bonds may be doomed anyways.

I might also add that compromising does not mean we compare each others oversights and blemishes. Transforming our relationships is working on our own defects and not needing to assess who has more or less. It is never about blame but about improvement. We can’t ask for more than that. Steps in the right direction are better than no steps or false steps. Of course one must forgive and refuse to bring it up again. The other must work on ways to improve negative traits. Any forward movement is praiseworthy.

“The earlier you admit to your mistakes, the more time you would have to learn and grow from them.” Edmond Mbiaka

“When you say the word ‘sorry’ make sure you understand that an apology has 3 parts. “I’m sorry”, “It’s my fault and I won’t do it again” and “How can I make things better”. The last part is the most important.”  Manasa Rao Saarloos

“The desire to criticise becomes less and less as the character is developed. It is the mark of a fine character never to be critical and to mention but rarely the faults of others. A strong character does not resist evil, but uses their strength in building the good. They know that when the light is made strong, the darkness will disappear of itself.” Christian Larson

“We only care about our faults when we realize them.” Daniel Melgaco

Giving And Receiving

Giving And Receiving

“It’s not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.”    Mother Teresa

“A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal.”    Steve Maraboli

“Love only grows by sharing. You can only have more for yourself by giving it away to others.”     Brian Tracy

“I must be willing to give whatever it takes to do good to others. This requires that I be willing to give until it hurts. Otherwise, there is no true love in me, and I bring injustice, not peace, to those around me.”     Mother Teresa

I don’t know about others but I can tell you how many times I have weighed in my mind, what pain or hurt others caused me. It seems silly and absurd and definitely not a worthy thing to do. So I question why I am guilty of doing it frequently. If I loved unconditionally, I would not have this problem at all. I recall how much I love my kids and profess to love them unconditionally. I do love them unconditionally but when it comes to others, I fail miserably. When I get myself composed, I fill my heart with love again until the next trying situation

The reasons are likely numerous and perhaps surprising in nature. I suppose it gets tangled up in love. Everyone is searching for love. It is the easiest thing to find, but the hardest thing to keep and maintain. It probably has to do more with attitudes about what love is and isn’t. Continue reading

Learning How To Fight Nicely

yes“No one fights dirtier or more brutally than blood; only family knows it’s own weaknesses, the exact placement of the heart. The tragedy is that one can still live with the force of hatred, feel infuriated that once you are born to another, that kinship lasts through life and death, immutable, unchanging, no matter how great the misdeed or betrayal. Blood cannot be denied, and perhaps that’s why we fight tooth and claw, because we cannot—being only human—put asunder what God has joined together.” Whitney Otto

“An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.” Mahatma Gandhi

“Whenever you are confronted with an opponent. Conquer him with love.” Mahatma Gandhi

I think we might be low on encouragement. We all need it and want it, yet most of us most of the time never get it. Are we all so deprived, or tired that we can’t muster any kind words for each other. I know there are so many times I’d rather lash out at someone, in order to diffuse my anger. It might be that a bit of encouragement would surprise us, and disarm us in the process.

How often  do workers get any kind of compliments. They hardly see the boss, , unless of course something went wrong. How  is it we can attend the meeting to criticize, but not be there to compliment. Sometimes it feels good when someone acknowledges that we are doing a great job. It makes us feel noticed. In this great big world, with more friends than we can count, it is nice to be noticed.

The boss is busy with numerous e-mails, calls appointments and meetings with others. Finding the time for one more thing just doesn’t fit into his schedule. When  others do mess up perhaps they were sick, had a duty call for the baby or kids, or health issues kept them away. We can’t be available and suitable every minute of every day. Those are the times we hassle ourselves about doing a better job. The truth is we are not machines, and we have emotional, and physical issues to confront. How about friends who we rely on for boosts to the ego. Of course they might be burdened themselves and have nothing left for us. I have been there when you run out of close friends to call, when you are experiencing disappointment and defeat. Continue reading

Living Knocks You Down;Faith Picks You Up

Life Knocks You Down;Faith“If you want to fly on the sky, you need to leave the earth. If you want to move forward, you need to let go the past that drags you down.”   Amit Ray

“Only God can take our failures and turn them into victories.” Evinda Lepins

“If you are driven by fear, anger or pride nature will force you to compete. If you are guided by courage, awareness, tranquility and peace nature will serve you.”  Amit Ray

“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres! ~Lucian Bane~”

How easily our lives are changed, and how swiftly we fall down. We begin to feel like summer grass, or fall leaves caught in a turbulent wind. I’m sure there isn’t one person who hasn’t experienced some form of a devastation within their lives, in one way or another. Many people love to joke and say we don’t get out of this world alive. I would add to this,  we don’t get out of life without scars. Some scars heal while others develop infections and tend to drag on with the healing process.

When we are younger we tend to have faith in our own ability to create our own worlds. Although in many ways we do tend to form our own realities by the choices we make,, in other ways we are puppets to the hurts and obstacles life places in our paths. I don’t care for problems any more than anyone else. I must admit, when the struggles befall us, they change us in ways that make us rethink and perhaps differentiate our actions. Out thoughts appear dissimilar prior to the incident. What causes us to evolve? How about those who fight the transformations. Continue reading

Kids Blossom With Love & Two Parents

Kids Blossom With Love And Two Parents“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”     Joyce Brothers

“But in the real world, you couldn’t really just split a family down the middle, mom on one side, dad the other, with the child equally divided between. It was like when you ripped a piece of paper into two: no matter how you tried, the seams never fit exactly right again. It was what you couldn’t see, those tiniest of pieces, that were lost in the severing, and their absence kept everything from being complete.”    Sarah Dessen

“The problem of unmet expectations in marriage is primarily a problem of stereotyping. Each and every human being on this planet is a unique person. Since marriage is inevitably a relationship between two unique people, no one marriage is going to be exactly like any other. Yet we tend to wed with explicit visions of what a “good” marriage ought to be like. Then we suffer enormously from trying to force the relationship to fit the stereotype and from the neurotic guilt and anger we experience when we fail to pull it off.”    M. Scott Peck

“Those who divorce aren’t necessarily the most unhappy, just those neatly able to believe their misery is caused by one other person.”    Alain de Botton

There is an onslaught of advice regarding parenting skills. If one attempts to find information, they will likely be inundated with more than they wanted. Sifting through all of this information is next to impossible. I must admit it is interesting and it provides so many interesting views on discipline and nurturing and ways one should go about it. The limitless supply of help leaves one confused regarding the implementation of any of it. Continue reading

Superficiality

Superficiality“I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be, but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.”    Douglas Pagels

“People in this world of superficial communication find themselves isolated and lonely and have difficulty in talking about personal things that really matter to them.”    Theodore Zeldin

Perhaps, there are many of us losing our way, and confused about our purpose and meaning in life. This is almost becoming a trend. Of course we all might feel like that from time to time, but when it becomes a habit, perhaps we should discover some truths behind the scenes of  our lives.

I believe it is extremely difficult to maintain positive attitudes. Problems and stresses mount while answers are not forthcoming. We want to be good do good and behave in acceptable ways, but then we fall down into tantrums like a child. Life gets too complicated to figure out, and we want to run away from our responsibilities. You can’t blame someone from desiring to set themselves free. Unlocking the chains of duty and commitment, brings a sense of freedom.

Of  course the sense of release is short-lived because our duties and indebtedness to others, remains strong. If we could just take a quick vacation from our accountability, maybe we would be happy to return to them again and keep up our original promises. That is never an option for the most part, but mentally we might sit ourselves down, and ruminate options for improving our situations.

There are times in everyone’s life, when we feel overwhelmed. There appears to be no relief in sight, and discouragement, anger and frustration creeps in. Young couples with babies or young children, cope with the drudgery of work for low pay. They work for their needy kids, who appear to relentlessly want and need attention. Bills never appear to be caught up, and a prevailing tiredness won’t diminish. Relief is non-existent, and burdens keep pressing us down. The longer the situation continues the deeper into despair we get enmeshed.

This  probably sounds like a no-win situation. The truth is,  many times it is how we are seeing, facing and dealing with our lives. If we look for quietness, when we have young kids, we will likely not find it. If we search for happy  smiles, laughter and craziness, we came to the correct household. If we want to have money at a young age, perhaps we  should forgo having kids right away and devote endless hours to our jobs. Then we will come home to an empty quiet adobe. To have a life without duties is practically non-existent. Certainly if we refrain from buying  things like boats houses cars and skip vacations, we will have more money in the bank. By forgoing marriage and family at a young age, we may have less bills and responsibilities.

I suppose we forget that when we purchase an item, it comes with attachments. When we create bonds with others, it comes with promises. Everything about our lives encourages, mental, physical and emotional agreements. As much as we believe we can leave them all behind if we choose, we sadly find that down the road they come back to bite us in one way or another. All things come with a price. The hardest of all situations to walk away from, are the emotional attachments we have with others.

Some of us may require a short mental recess from the burdens. If we are given the  support when necessary, it helps us to face the negative aspects of our duties and overcome them by focusing on the positive benefits. We find we have so much more to be grateful for. This is not acknowledged when we are feeling unsupported and downtrodden. We can’t see between the murky water, how much we have to appreciate.

Everyone has those times when the road seems too rocky to travel down. We stop, throw up our hands and collapse to the ground. At that point we don’t care what others think of us. We don’t care what we think of ourselves. It is almost like a survival instinct. I sense that once the panicky mood has passed, we should attempt to gather as much of the resources available to us.  look with new eyes upon our situation. By engaging the support of others, we might overcome our battle with our various  stresses. When we win the fight, we gain back our strength, and can renew our faith in our obligations.

So many people believe, that they are the only  ones fighting anything difficult. If the truth were known,  there are many people dealing with situations out of their control. Perhaps only a little help,  comfort and understanding brings enlightenment to an unhealthy dilemma. Most of us can’t loosen up, unwind, and discuss our problems with the openness needed. We keep feelings locked up until they explode. We are left immobilized regarding what we can, or should do. It is always better to speak before the explosion but nevertheless, we can still ask for help at anytime.  Once others are aware of someone’s lack, they can offer their support. Perhaps by becoming the leaning post, will be enough to give the courage back to those in need.

When all we see from the media is material gains, we can miss the intangible gains and the huge benefits they provide. In this scenario, our material acquirement might be low, however our mental, emotional and spiritual gains might be high. Faith in our ability to draw good into our lives is vital.

  Remember that we all face setbacks of one kind or another. Perhaps our patience  needs to kick in. In due time we might see the whole canvas rather than focusing on the tiny bit of the picture. Decide today to examine the positive and dissolve the negative.

There are as many assessments of our lives as there are people who choose to critique our lives. Even when we require a vacation from our daily actions, it doesn’t mean we are giving up or retiring. It also doesn’t mean that things are not working. It simply means space is necessary at the present moment. Reflection is needed, and appreciation must be found.  We are not perhaps lost, just confused.

Kids and people make our lives significant. We can’t lose sight for a moment of that key factor. Our life is purposeful. We need playtime and recreation. In the scheme of life we can’t ask what makes us happy, but what makes our life have purpose and meaning. That is what will finally bring us the contentment we are searching for. Anything less is superficial.

“Our lives are mere flashes of light in an infinitely empty universe. In  12 years of education the most important lesson I have learned is that what we see as “normal” living is truly a travesty of our potential. In a society so governed by superficiality, appearances, and petty economics, dreams are more real than anything in the actual world. Refuse normalcy. Beauty is everywhere, love is endless, and joy bleeds from our everyday existence. Embrace it. I love all of you, all my friends, family, and community. I am ceaselessly grateful from the bottom of my heart for everyone. The only thing I can ask of you is to stay free of materialism. Remember that every day contains a universe of potential; exhaust it. Live and love so immensely that when death comes there is nothing left for him to take. Wealth is love, music, sports, learning, family and freedom. Above all, stay gold.”
Dominic Owen Mallary

“Constantly exposing yourself to popular culture and the mass media will ultimately shape your reality tunnel in ways that are not necessarily conducive to achieving your Soul Purpose and Life Calling. Modern society has generally ‘lost the plot’. Slavishly following its false gods and idols makes no sense in a spiritually aware life.”
Anthon St. Maarten

The Need To Be Understood

The Need To Be Understood“In the past there were people who were not rich but contented with their living style, laughing and happy all day. But when the new rich people appear, people look at them and ask, ‘why don’t I have a life like that too, a beautiful house, car and garden,’ and they abandon their values.”    Thich Nhat Hanh

“People suffer because they are caught in their views. As soon as we release those views, we are free and we don’t suffer anymore.”    Thich Nhat Hanh

~ “Mindfulness helps you go home to the present. And every time you go there and recognize a condition of happiness that you have, happiness comes.”     Thich Nhat Hanh

Here we go again attempting to explain what we meant by our recent discourse. The person misinterpreted our meaning. I would not doubt for  a second, how many times we are caught in such a situation. We just don’t grasp the implications from our interactions with others. The result is bewildering and hurt feelings. Misunderstandings and long time  rifts of one sort or another are inevitable.

How do we complicate the meaning of what others are trying to say and how do others misinterpret our words and bring doubt and mistrust into the relationship. We grasp what we want in any of our conversations. Our misunderstanding of the  encounter, causes us to  choose a negative review of the incident. We dwell on the tiniest insult while ignoring any praise. We have set ourselves up for failure.

For sure we don’t plan to be downbeat, but we sometimes have an attitude of what a person believes,  before they begin explaining something. In a way we have already selectively decided their points of view, which we usually deduce is contrary to our own.  We argue on cue. It leaves the accused, clarifying their thoughts. Accusations tend to trouble most of us, so to attempt elucidating our reasoning only confuses our accuser and ourselves. When anyone is on the proverbial hot seat, it is difficult to think clearly.

Pondering why so many of us deliberately recall exchanges with others, in such a manner disarray, is confounding. Perhaps some of us enjoy the uncomfortable position we placed another individual. Whatever the causes we likely have experienced both sides of such a situation. There is no winner only wasted time, effort and exacerbated feelings.

Delving more deeply into such occurrences, you find how needy we are for love, attention and to be understood. Perhaps we are angrier at someone’s lack of appreciating, our time and effort for doing something. Probably they don’t quite acknowledge enough empathy, for the situation we find ourselves in. Most likely we have a sense of being misunderstood, or under-appreciated for who we are, or what we do.

Exchanges in disagreements, allow us to continue in a more controversial manner. We are able to add our own agendas, and issues to the mix. Past hurts and unfinished business, sheds even more shadows onto the current dilemma. At best, when the argument has finished, we find how far we have ventured, from the original renditions of opinions. We find it further from the subject, that originated the controversy.

Most definitely we are all influenced by our obstacles in life. We see the world with different glasses, and our deductions are blurred and muddied by our past and present hindrances. We can’t always scream out, “Well it is easy for you to say that because you have more money, more support, a husband that listens, adult kids living close by or whatever else bothers us. Instead we ream the person who antagonized us,  for things they perhaps are not even guilty of. Our pain is hidden, but unresolved, and left to fester. We have the added burden of a broken relationship.

How does one compare lives or problems. Suffice it to say we all have our own challenges to overcome, and our battles to fight. We admit this up front, but then we proceed to lay it all out, and unravel and decipher our grasp of the situation. If we could see this from a child’s perspective, it would be like comparing who has the better toy truck. Does it matter?  It really doesn’t help either of the combatants.

Forgiveness is without a doubt, the most obvious solution to finding peace. The problem is at times, we still withhold it in our hearts. The words are spoken, but not deeply felt. It takes some compassion, and mindfulness to appreciate the depth of the hurt, and the unclear enlightenment attempting to filter into our thoughts and hearts.

Let’s face it, at times we are not always impressed with another person’s issues, because we deem our own to be so much worse. We try so hard to decode and decipher our problems, and it leaves us little time for sympathizing with others. Honestly, when we make time for another, we gain time for ourselves. Somehow the answers to our problems are possibly hidden in the obstacles another faces. It sheds light on our unclear thoughts and questions.

It is so unnerving to be in the position of clarifying, and elucidating our gist and intentions. Especially noteworthy is the perplexing insinuations, we sometimes unconsciously imply with our words. We want acknowledgement, attention, and love. We  want respect, and understanding. Our need to be noticed, is relevant in our desire for worth, for being of value, for receiving love in this whole wide universe.

What we perhaps hear at any given moment, is our own heart’s calling for love. We really are not so different nor separated in our wants and desires. Understanding how similar we are, ensures our ability for mindfulness. If we can get out of our heads, for a little bit, and get into our hearts, we will easily understand the unspoken words. Peace is attained, when we find more answers to the questions  we haven’t yet asked. Reflect in the silence, and discover serenity.

“Breathe in deeply to bring your mind home to your body. Then look at, or think of, the person triggering this emotion: With mindfulness, you can see that she is unhappy, that she is suffering. You can see her wrong perceptions. You can see that she is not beautiful when she says things that are unkind.”    Thich Nhat Hanh

Let us fill our hearts with our own compassion – towards ourselves and towards all living beings.    Thich Nhat Hanh

“To be loved means to be recognized as existing.”    Thich Nhat Hanh

“We are all the leaves of one tree; we are all the waves of one sea; the time has come for all to live as one.”    Thich Nhat Hanh