Love Hurts

Love Hurts“It is impossible to suffer without making someone pay for it; every complaint already contains revenge.”    Friedrich Nietzsche

“Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.”    Martin Luther King, Jr.

“In taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy; but in passing it over, he is superior.” Francis Bacon

How many people are aware of the honest fact that love hurts. Instead of saying life is not for the faint of heart, I think we should add that love is also, not for the faint of heart. No matter who the person is or what the relationship is, we will have those moments when they will likely hurt us emotionally. I would like to say we don’t dole out pain on purpose but at times we might just do that. Especially when another person hurts us, our first thought is to get back at this person. It is human nature to defend one’s self and so we retaliate, when we are emotionally in pain..

Believing in our bonds of affection does not always prevent us from refraining from anger, due to the hurtful incidents we were forced to endure at the hands of a loved one. How sad for the first receiver and at times more painful to the other person who receives the revenge portion. What I find to be difficult is accepting the truth, that each of the battlers still has so much love for each other in their hearts.

So many times we recall saying, “If they loved me they would never have done that to me or said that to me.” The truth is we are so capable of dishing out heartache to those we care about the most.  We want them to appreciate and understand that what they caused in the situation, was painful for us. The only way we attempt to manifest our pain, is by a revengeful retaliation back at them. Our hurtful experience overrides our sanity and ability to show empathy towards the one we love.

It is rather  sad that we lose control of our thoughts and presence of mind to make better choices. The result is more fights and vengeful acts of revenge against each other, until one of us has had enough and quits the cycle of pain. When this happens we are both remorseful and practically blame the person who instigated it in the first place, for having to toss back worse pain. Now this sounds silly and illogical when one is attempting to explain the dilemma. In reality it occurs on a daily basis within the lives of people.

Stopping the useless and bitter cycle is paramount to having a fruitful and happy relationship. Understanding the dynamics of a situation people are caught within, is vitally important to ending it. Once we recognize the hold it has over us, the quicker we might be able to stop it. I don’t believe these altercations happen only within a marriage. I think parents and children of all ages might get caught up in such a demonstrative situation. Friends may hurt each other back and forth at times. Have you ever heard a friend say after you complain about something they said or did, “Well that is how I felt when you said and did that.” It rings a bell to all of us. We hate getting hurt by those we love and many times we choose to hurt back when we get the right moment or chance.

We teach kids to forgive and forget but don’t follow our own advice. The emotional pain is overwhelming and we have the need to make it known as much as we had the need to tell this person we loved them. The pattern is right in front of us. Love is exciting happy and profound but it is also hurtful. We can’t escape the twinges of pain that love promotes. One would think that if someone means more to us than anyone else in the world that it would be impossible to hurt them. We do it anyways. Then we must fault them for our own revenge, because we can’t stand to fathom our guilt in the wrongdoing.

For myself I have been guilty of retaliation many times and regret later. Over the years I have learned that keeping a clear view and grasp of unconditional love has helped me to often manage to refrain from retaliation. It is never easy and not usually totally accomplished, but likely revenge has diminished a lot. There isn’t a secret to it really. Our emotions get the better of us when we are pained. Like nothing else we feel deserted, and exposed. After all, if someone who loves us and cares for us so much can hurt us, then perhaps our enemy will demolish us completely.

Abandonment destroys confidence and fills the void with insecurity and fearfulness. Marriage partners are so notorious for such behavior that many boast and laugh later, about the episodes they have endured. As funny as it it to tell, while living the experience, it is quite the opposite. Parents and spouses along with friends, have a sense of pride in how much they have given to a relationship. Being so easily tossed aside can crush their spirit. I would venture to say that it is probable that the closer we are to someone, the stronger the retaliation. The hurt is deeper and the revenge is stronger.

No one has the ability to pain us like someone we love. I surmise that it might be for that reason we discovered unconditional love. When one loves unconditionally, it is without revenge and is total acceptance of anything given in return, regardless of suffering. I am not saying we must be doormats.  Obviously when such behavior continues daily it is a sign of serious failure of one kind or another. However, most of us have infrequent bouts of differences with other people. How we manage to deal with them can make all the difference in the world, as far as a healthy relationship is concerned.

Believing we will never argue or disagree is unreasonable. Having faith in the ability to fight without evolving into revenge is a possibility. If we work hard at it, we can forestall the necessity of retaliation, thus skipping that detrimental piece, from the game of life. Sometimes our special  loves in life may get worn down from matters unrelated to our true feelings. Many relationships that perish, may have survived if revenge had not been a regular pattern of defense, against painful experiences.

If we consider our own reasons for arguments and fights, we understand how stressed and burdened we felt at the time. The lashing out at others had more to do with our burdens than how angry we actually were with those we love. It still ended in erosion in the relationship, if we chose the regular routine of evening the score. My belief is that once we have overcome that need of striking back, it allows the other person to offer such a decree for us when we are on the other side of a situation.

Love hurts but the candle does not ever have to diminish nor be blown out. We expect some beautiful moments. Perhaps it is necessary to expect some pain and suffering along the way.  By not allowing the infection of revenge to take root, we will stop the battle before it destroys our  trust and need for retaliation. Love unconditionally and you will experience total love in many forms.

“There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.”    Josh Billings

“Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it foregoes revenge and dares to forgive an injury.”    Edwin Hubbel Chapin

“Evil is always devising more corrosive misery through man’s restless need to exact revenge out of his hate.”    Ralph Steadman

“It is up to God to take revenge. Only God can judge. I don’t have to worry about getting even with anybody or taking out any kind of aggression on anybody. Doing that is a weakness, anyway.”    Jim Brown

“Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it foregoes revenge and dares to forgive an injury.”    Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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