The Internal Battle For Peace

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“The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” Albert Einstein

“Strive not to be a success but rather to be of value.” Albert Einstein

Many days I question where my life is going. I wonder about my choices and even my desires. Some days I feel confident and ready to face the world. On some of those days it goes smoothly but other times I am quickly shot down and immediately brought back to reality, and my own limitations. Other days I truly drag myself to work.  On the way, I ponder how I am going to make it to the end of the work day.

Sometimes I dread the commitments on the weekend. The activities should be happy times, but I have been burnt, and I know you can’t assume you are going to have a fantastic time. It usually begins with the horrible hair day, followed by attempts to find your favorite outfit, which is at last found in the wash. You know it is not a good sign. But I do recall dreading some commitments, that turned out to be an awesome time.Sensitivity plays into some of this. If someone at a gathering hurts me with their words, or a rebuff, I take it to heart. That is when I run away, and steer clear of any collision with them. I am without the confidence at that moment, and so I don’t engage with anyone. I know I sabotaged my good time. Other times when I have been angered, I strike back and argue. Then I retreat back into my shell and feel totally defeated, because none of it was what I planned, and I am not proud of my actions.

I’m never sure what anyone else is expecting from their own interactions with people. I can be with the same people many times, and have a different experience. I am surprised at the duality of my own  actions and emotions.  I have most likely confused my peers and friends opinions of me, because of  my various moods and actions. It is upsetting when you question  the truth  about who you are. I try to visualize my motives for my reactions. I do find when I am looking forward to positive happenings in my life, I have a running start on a good outcome for my day.  Likewise if I am disappointed with the way things are proceeding, I am already negative about my day, and my sensitivity rises.

I remember one time, after coming home from a party, I  questioned  who I was at the core of my existence. I considered myself a kind and generous person,  who was without pride. Yet during a  disagreement with another person, it became very important to me to win the argument, and prove my point at all costs. It was as if someone attacked me personally, and I fought back with all my strategies. Then I reflected on the fact that I didn’t usually act in that fashion, and I wondered what triggered my response.

I think we can all surprise ourselves with actions that are good and bad. Even when we think we could never be a hero, we must admit we don’t know if we have never been put to the test. Likewise we might profess to be mighty, but we have never gone through fire, to really test that theory , and get a legitimate assessment. I would venture to say we are a mixture. That is what makes us all so intense. Just when we think we know ourselves, we’ll do something totally out of character, then wonder what happened.

Maybe that is a good thing. it proves we are not locked into being a “bad” person so we can do better. It also helps us to know that we are not so perfect ourselves, that we can’t improve and learn. It seems to be a win win situation. Those of us who always feel defeated are elevated. Those of us who have too much pride, are reminded to slow down. Feeling hopeless is as bad as  supposing we are perfect. In both situations it alleviates us from having to reflect or work at developing our virtues. One deems it is impossible, while the other considers it unnecessary.

We can also attribute bad days to our being tired, stressed ill and numerous other excuses. The main idea is we are unfathomable. that makes all of us special. I’m not searching for excuses but for an understanding of life. The more I see and acknowledge, the more I appreciate how profound life is. How  would I ever put such a state of being into words. I intend to strive for peace on my bad days, by cultivating a more positive attitude. On my good  days I will attempt to approach them with a bundle of gratitude.

“Before God we are all equally wise and equally foolish.”

“There comes a time when the mind takes a higher plane of knowledge but can never prove how it got there.” Albert Einstein

“The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.” Albert Schweitzer

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