Peaceful Coexistence

As I look around all I can see is the  massive amount of people who have ongoing issues with family members. It is difficult to avoid listening to their side of the story. I am not saying they are wrong. As a matter of fact they are totally correct in their thinking. The problem is the other party is totally right in their way of seeing it. What a problem when each factor digs in their heels and puts up barriers to any attempt at viewing the other side of the issue.Of course it is always easy for friends to be the listening ear because they have nothing to lose. They listen, agree, support and feel good about what they perceive as a kind gesture. In fact it is a reinforcing issue and leads to a thicker wall of containment. It keeps the other side out of the vicinity. It is not always the best idea to support people about family issues. We never know where the real truth lies. So much happens and so much more is misinterpreted. We forget how we felt at the time of the altercation and we forget the feelings mood attitude and stresses at that time which most likely added to the fighting.

Very few people like to lose. Everyone likes to be in control. Why is it some people call another a controlling person? It is because they like to have the power themselves. It is ironic but true the old adage of, “Look whose calling the kettle black.” If another bothers us that much perhaps we see ourselves in them. I am not defining anyone nor attempting to place blame. I am venturing to solve a huge ongoing mystery of life. Why families disintegrate their connections so easily and readily.

I know the love is not demolished but that is the problem. The love is likely still present yet both fighting sides refuse to allow it to surface. It is perhaps admitting guilt if you fold first. Or it might be that you appear to be the weaker party if you give in first. Whatever the reason each side refuses to make peace and the longer they keep the argument going the stronger the emotions get  regarding the positions they defend. They hardly ever lose the love but they do lose the ties.

We never see the veracity of it. In reality the loss is to both parties. The tension and stress that is caused with this ongoing issue is tremendous. Every time there is a family gathering there are questions of who is invited and who is going and who will not show up. Our hearts are pounding before we get to the event and we probably already have some retorts planned if the erring party says or does something. Being prepared is something each side works on prior to the get together.

Maybe it is time to think about what it does to others and how it truly affects us. I always like to see it through the kids eyes. Now they perhaps don’t have the close relationship with gramma and papa. Parents talk in front of kids and so even when they are in the presence of grandparents they will be ill at ease. This is so obvious that grandparents pick up on it. Is this worth destroying your kids relationship?

How about when the problem is with siblings. Now we cut out decent aunts and uncles. So what if they do things a little different, or have unrealistic ideas or plans. Let it go. Is it fair to make your fight into everyone Else’s problem? That is what we are doing. Then we go so far as to gather supporters thus placing others in precarious positions. Can’t we appreciate what is going on? If we don’t figure it out our lives become more mixed up confusing and anxiety ridden.

If you find yourself talking quickly, losing your breath, anxious to speak and having a difficult time remaining quiet, you are possibly over thinking and over involved in the issue. It is time to sit back and ask yourself how expensive this problem is becoming and is it worth the price you are paying physically, and emotionally never mind spiritually. We don’t even consider that we are constantly paying. We in a sense are never paid up or ahead on the bill.

The strange part is that our kids make their own decisions when they are older and maybe they just might think we were at least partially in the wrong. Now what do we do. When we have no traditions due to our cutting away of family, our kids might head for their spouse’s family for these traditions. That is not a wrong thing but we may be losing even more if we don’t ever have a chance to sponsor family gatherings.

I have seen it happen too many times that when a person dies the family gets together and most times regrets the past. Most times this is what happens again and again but the trend of alienation continues. It is as if the key to unlocking the door is death. It shouldn’t be that way. We ought to be able to see and smell the flowers. We need to crack the door first to become aware. Once this happens we begin to notice the cracks in our so-called opponent.

Our adversary is not as abominable as we thought. They suddenly appear more human and fragile. What we thought as power and strength exudes as facade and hurt. We almost or do begin to experience sympathy for them the more we look and view their scars. We are almost shocked  at how we missed all of this prior to opening up. Our severe thoughts and opinions swiftly change as we  observe the vulnerability in our adversary. The hardest part to take is the length of the wasted time we spent in warring.

So many of us talk about peace and espouse it wholeheartedly yet we can’t find it in our own hearts to manifest it with friends and families. In searching for it we need to find it first in ourselves. It gives us the warm cozy feeling on a snowy night when you open your door and find love and warmth. Maybe it has to do with opening the door to our hearts. It isn’t as difficult as we think.

Honestly I just hate to bear witness to another person in anguish and sorrow as well as disbelief in the fact that they have lost the chance to make amends with another. Who is the guiltier party is unimportant. If that is the crux of the issue we will never come to terms. Let the fault-finding go. Recall a time when another let you off the hook when you may have lost your temper or accidentally accused another.

Unless we can honestly say we have never made a mistake then we need to find it in our heart to forgive. We are not the judges of wrong and right. By forgiving we release our own guilt and imprisonment of stress and anxiety. It is up to the other person to do the same. If all they can offer is a truce then you have done well. they just need time to face themselves and their own transgressions. It isn’t up to us to force them to do this. In time it will happen. Just accept them with their faults and rejoice that you have found your own peace.

“In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love. In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile. In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm. I realized, through it all, that…In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”     Albert Camus