Bluntly Say It!

“If you don’t find the right set of eyes to see through your bull, you will always be surrounded by friends that will tell you white lies because they like your company and don’t want to ruin the evening.”    Shannon L. Adler

“Why would you ever premeditate honesty? To hesitate is to over think how you feel. A blurted out answer is usually the most genuine.”    Shannon Adler

“You can find anyone that will tell you what you want to hear, but the only one worth valuing is the one that tells you what you need to learn.”    Shannon Adler

I am perhaps one of the most sensitive people I know. I take offense to many things but I am very good at not showing how it affects me. I go home and sulk or cry until I get it all sorted out in my head. Sometimes I feel it helped me to see the truth even about myself. I don’t obviously like it but at times I learn a good lesson.

Now it appears to be harder for anyone to speak the truth or get an opinion across without stepping on toes and getting people upset. The trouble is now I go home pondering my words and if I offended anyone. I never intentionally offend but apparently hearing or bearing the truth can cause unavoidable suffering. This is making it impossible  to have a conversation that requires veracity.We don’t want the sensitive kids to hear their work is poor. We refrain from telling our friend anything we believe might offend them. In the end we are not learning anything nor are we facing reality. For a people that prides themselves on courage and honor we have covered it up and hidden it well. I am not for winners and losers to the point of injuring feelings. However we can’t deprive a child from gaining a medal for their exceptional athletic ability. That is nonsense to say we are the same when we are not. We all have ability and worth and talent. We don’t have the mix in the same order. We don’t all practice in our areas of expertise to improve our talents. Those of us that do shouldn’t be at the mercy of those who don’t.

My point is that  it is getting old to always word something in such a way that it makes others contented. The ideas that make me uncomfortable are the ones that force me to rethink. If somebody didn’t have the guts to candidly address the issue, I wouldn’t have been challenged to think. When teaching I remember basically sugar coating my words on the report cards. If you  didn’t you received the wrath of the parents and consequently the principle. One never said your child is disruptive and disrespectful. In place of those comments a teacher said your child is very energetic and sociable.

The problem was many parents missed the point of the discussion. Teachers didn’t state the facts clearly and parents didn’t want to read the actuality of the conference. How sad for all of us. I was told by people  I trust that my book TUMBLEWEED KIDS is preachy. It doesn’t make people pleased. I guess if you want to make a point you have to clothe it and make people happy. I admit I am sometimes lecturing but when you are passionate about something you need to frankly state the facts.

In my book I did not discuss much about my own life. I would never want to give the impression it was or is ever perfect. If any of us seriously believed anyone has it easy then they don’t realize what another has been through or is going through. That is why I write so much about empathy and kindness because we all deal with so much we don’t need added burdens.

So much of my book is related to my own childhood and the childhoods of my many students. It is accurate except for names ages and sex of the kids. I wish I could have wrote it as a feel good book because likely it would be well received. I could not do that. It is uncompromising and was difficult to write because it might be considered sermonizing and  offensive. I have faith it was candid accurate and necessary to say.

I am not placing myself above anyone else. That was never my intention. My option was to help parents see and understand some of the habits that are detrimental to their kids. There is no pointing the finger. It is strictly meant as a tool of encouragement to truly make better lives for those kids caught in such situations.

Topics like bullying, nurturing emotional abuse discipline and many more, are viewed. Divorce is a theme that is permeated throughout the book. Now that is a touchy subject. We are suppose to assume divorce has no impact on children. Nothing could be further from the truth. I’m not suggesting all marriages can be saved but honestly for anyone to say a  child from a divorced home has no more issues than a child from a home intact is off base.

The facts beg to differ. I suppose many will disagree because the truth is never what we want. We want to feel good. We shold want that but we need to accept the reality of our lives in order to incorporate the truth and counteract the impact. Knowing divorce may cause unforeseen issues, allows us the chance to work on alleviating as many problems as we can. That is what my book is about.

I have many relatives who are divorced just like everyone else. I am not living in a bubble. I sometimes hate the truth but I know  it must be faced if I want things to be better. When we are instructed about a cooking recipe, it gives us helpful hints to improve the taste. We don’t have to follow the advice and we can continue using the recipe the way it is written in the cookbook. If we choose to use the helpful hints we expand our knowledge of cooking. The person doing the explaining really doesn’t force us only presents the idea. It is up to us to pick.

The same is true with raising kids. If we have learned through experience involving personal and life then stating our results is legitimacy. In this case the consequences and benefits far outweigh any misgivings. Growing up, I likely experienced the least sense of confidence anyone could have. I suppose that is  why my book is so transparent. But as much as we state we want transparency, we espouse the opposite. We are afraid to face truth and then have to deal with it by establishing different rules. Truth requires effort and change.

I do believe having kids is profound and ought to consciously push us towards taking a reflective look at our lives. Our children are our treasures. My directness is worth it. If the shoe doesn’t fit no problem. If it fits a bit attempt to change some things. If the shoe totally slips on then rehash your beliefs absorb the veracity of the research and dare to change at least some of the bad habits. All of us change willingly or forcefully. Choosing it willingly is a lot easier. The fact of  doing it for our kids makes it worthwhile.