“Thus each person by his fears, gives wings to rumor and without any real source of apprehension, men fear what they themselves have imagined.” Lucan
The trouble with relationships is we hide so much of our feelings. That is really not good. the relationships are not real if we pretend all is well when we are not believing it to be true. if you are unhappy, you need to honestly state your opinion. If after both of you support and share your own argument and it does not change each other’s frame of mind then admit a stalemate hang on to your thoughts and move forward.
In the future it is possible that either of you might change your minds but in the meantime accept compromise and respect of each other by agreeing to disagree. When each of us can accept our differences and still be friends then we have acquired a genuine friendship and love. This is far better than to imagine we are on the same page at all times when it isn’t the truth. We really would never be expected to see all things in the same way.
Evolving into our own person requires strength of character and confidence in our own abilities to make decisions. Others can unwittingly destroy the seeds of self-esteem planted within us. People assail mastery over others with or without consent. One must realize that with power comes responsibility. We teach children to include others and to share and take turns when they play, yet we, as adults, at times like to exclude others we don‟t deem desirable to our standards. We, as adults, hate to take turns. We like to perhaps have it, do it, make it, and force it our way.
What we teach our children is what we need to emulate in our own behavior. Perhaps we need to ask ourselves where the other person‟s freedom is to choose and pick and do and make. It is probable that with more thought more freedom will automatically develop. Perchance, without having to actually wear another’s shoes, we might reflect on what that would feel like. Social intelligence should be attainable if we think and feel with the heart.
Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law are no exception to this idea. Both are from different generations. It is easy for them to be on opposite sides of the spectrum. Mothers-in-law are used to being their son’s confidante. They have raised this man, nursed him through illnesses and emotional states. His happiness is paramount to his mother. The playing field changes when the son has a girlfriend and things evolve quicker when she becomes his wife. The mother-in-law must learn the rules of the new game.
Mothers of girls are exempt from the necessity of needing to learn a new game. Jealousy is an obvious concern when women are involved. Even a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can fuel the flames. Another less obvious reason for the dilemma is the power and control one person maintains over another. Mothers of boys must turn the torch over to the new woman in her son’s life. This is by far not easy. Daughters-in-law who are patient have a better chance of maintaining a harmonious relationship. This is not stating the mother-in-law has no right to ever speak plainly to her son again. It simply implies she recognizes the new union and defers to it. Sons will still trust and honor their moms and daughters-in-law must respect that.
I believe that if mothers-in-law realized how happy and content their son was with his wife, it might be easier for them to let go of the reins. In the end they must regardless of their feelings. Daughters-in law should accept the fact that their husband had a close endearing relationship with his mother for a number of years before she arrived on the scene. Refraining from snap judgments supports a healthier connection. Trust on both sides takes time but it is worth the wait and effort.
Respect and tolerate each other and desist from the thinking that there is only one way or opinion. We don’t always understand why a person believes what they do. Just allow each other to have their own space and their own notions. New ideas are innovative and must be respected. Daughters-in-law are younger and haven’t the experience to support some of their Judgments but a mother-in-Law shouldn’t allow age to be the focus. Likewise a daughter-in-law should not assume her mother-in-law is too old to be correct in her assessment. Agree to disagree.
We only have power and control over our own opinions and actions. This takes a chunk of time if we do it right. It leaves us no time to control another’s thoughts and actions. That is a good thing. If we manage to create good bonds with each other,we gain more support more love and more time. Our children have more support and love. Why deprive our kids of the life-force for growth which is love. By observing the whole picture sooner rather than later we manage to lead a happier and more fulfilled life earlier in our journey.
There is less fighting and arguments between spouses over parental issues. There is greater help to call upon and also to share love with. There are stronger bonds of love and children gain a support system that cannot be destroyed. All gain a greater understanding, and become more tolerant, patient, flexible, respectful and confident. We have weathered a government overhaul and have all come through unscathed, intact and content in our self-esteem. Life moves forward swiftly and down the road we find our role has changed and we are faced with becoming a mother-in-law. We can handle it and survive intact. In the process it is good to remember that we never lose love we only gain more love.
“While on a walk one day, I was surprised to see a man hoeing his garden while sitting in his chair. What laziness! I thought. But suddenly I saw leaning against his chair a pair of crutches. The man was at work despite his handicap. The lessons I learned about snap judgments that day have stayed with me for years now. The crosses people bear are seldom in plain sight.” Annette Ashe Guideposts.
