“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; You are the one who gets burned.” Buddha
How many times have we began a discussion with someone and ended up in an angry confrontation, or worse, an escalated battle. It happens. Especially when we are tired or simply overburdened, we tend to allow heightened sensitivities to overcome our thought processes. We may want to straighten out a disagreement or confront another about a sticky situation. Even if we have set the time and place, we still must reflect on what we want to accomplish in this planned argument. We are fooling ourselves by thinking we are trying to resolve the conflict, when we are totally attempting to make our own arguments and win the battle.
We might have pondered the conflict privately but determined we were not to be blamed. Having our facts ready to toss out and our opinions set, we basically are planning our attack. It is an attack because we are not thinking of compromising or seeing another’s point of view. We are thinking about our own purposes and are preparing for battle. This onslaught sends our opponent reeling. They are on the defensive and dig in their heels and fire off their own facts. The conflict immediately escalates and both sides are out of control. Both parties walk away feeling the other person was unreasonable. We blame them for the continued discord. It is difficult to accept any wrongdoing on our own part. We see another’s faults but rarely view our own. We defend our line of reasoning and shoot down the opponents arguments. How stubborn they appear to be.
It is so difficult to accept any blame. It is so difficult to admit we are not completely or even remotely correct in our thinking. We are angry and anger takes over. Questioning our anger is the first thing we need to do. By reflecting on why we are so angry at this person and why we must prove them at fault is important in the healing process. To get over this dispute requires thinking, empathy and giving in to a break-down of predisposed ideas we have created. By contemplating we come to realize the other person has some good arguments and main points. By empathizing we enter into an understanding of their feelings and emotional state of mind. By breaking down the barriers we have created we make room for accommodating their new approaches.
Exhibiting anger never solves any problem. Anger never encourages an opponent to accept our viewpoint. Sometimes we must allow another to do something in their own way even if we believe they are heading for failure. If one learns from mistakes, it is not failure. In the end we might be pleasantly surprised to find out we were wrong. In order to keep peace, both parties must co-operate and learn how to agree to disagree. It can be simple. We don’t have to choose to make things more difficult. If we want a relationship with this person, we need to allow them to have their own opinions.
Our experiences are different. We bring different schematic to our lives from our childhoods through adulthood. Our tolerance levels are different as well as our personalities. What is unbearable for one person is more than tolerable for another. Our likes, opinions, ideals and goals reflect our own being. Our life lessons are varied and attuned to our being. We can only live our own life, and choose for ourselves. To make peace with anyone else we must respect them and their opinions. Stepping down from our thrones permits us to allow others not only to be wrong but also to be right. In the end what we want is connection and communication. We want a relationship that is intact. To have this requires respect and acceptance. Keep anger from clouding judgment.
Anger at times is the result of loss of control. Another is challenging our viewpoints or our status. We feel threatened and retaliate. Fury can be jealousy because the object we desire is sharing themselves with others. Rage can be due to changes we are not ready to accept. Anger is a loss of power and influence. Anger can be our own lack of confidence in our ability to be ourselves. When we fear change we get angry. Those we love the most are the ones who anger us the most. We need this other person in order for us to somehow define ourselves. Many times we are dealing with our own inner issues and our uncertainty evolves into a frustration and anger that turns from inward damage to outward destruction. Resolve to solve your inner conflict before it consumes you and spreads outside of yourself. We always have power over ourselves and can always control our own anger if we choose.
It is okay to let go, whether we are wrong or right. It is admirable to lose an argument, even when we know we are correct. It is alright to display our inadequacies. It is fine to follow once in a while because we don’t always have to lead. It is okay to love someone even from afar because love is free and without barriers. We must remember that by sharing love we have expanded it. We enjoy more support and increased freedom. Love will never be contained and shouldn’t be restricted. It is a better world to spread love than to disperse anger. That will always be a choice.
“Do you want to know who you are? Don’t ask. Act! Action will delineate and define you.” Thomas Jefferson
