When Things Backfire

When Things Backfire

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“Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.”  Aldous Huxley

“Don’t smother each other, no one can grow in the shade.” leo  Buscaglia

One Mother-in-law complained that her once excellent relationship with her Daughter-in-law was becoming strained. Her DIL, who had just had a baby, was planning on going back to work immediately. The MIL couldn’t understand this because she stated, her DIL had waited and tried for years to get pregnant. She didn’t have to work but chose to return. What came of many discussions was that her DIL had a childhood devoid of a father. Her father died suddenly and her mother had to work to make ends meet. They were poor but they managed. The young woman never forgot her childhood years and just couldn’t bring herself to give up what she considered to be her security. The two agreed to disagree and renewed their relationship.

I think there are many roads to this story. Many of us judge things without having all of the facts. How we grew up, what we were taught, the barriers we constructed or had to overcome are individual. Our viewpoints, trials, tribulations and differences are momentous. We have to look hard to find things we have in common, but there actually are many.

Tolerance understanding patience and time break down the walls. Knowledge evolves which allows us to accommodate our differences, assimilate and move forward. We have our own agendas wants and needs. Everyone likes to control and nobody wants to always finish last. We are so busy we refrain from attempting to explain. Our thoughts get lost in translation. We become abrupt and casual and state the facts. We don’t want to hand hold because we have so many other things to do. So we rarely take the time for explanations.

Our judgments and conclusions can be so far from the mark. One person sees with magnifying glasses and the other person sees with sunglasses. We might all reach the same conclusion and learn the same lessons but in roundabout ways. The MIL believed and rightly so that being there for her children twenty four seven was a good thing. The DIL believed and rightly so that making sure she and her child would never go hungry was a good thing. It boils down to love. If love enters into our decisions we can’t ever be going off track. If we get derailed we get back on the track.

After some soul searching, the mother-in-law admitted she never had any power because she never worked for money. Her care of the kids was barely acknowledged. Although she was very happy to have a husband who made enough money to allow her to be a stay at home mother. She had valued her time with her kids and wanted the same for her daughter-in-law. The trouble was her daughter-in-law loved her baby very much also despite the fact she found it necessary to go  back to work. The mother-in-law relinquished her inflexible attitude and the daughter-in-law forgave the intrusion of privacy. Both women have traveled a long way and smoothed their individual differences.

It’s always possible to observe things with more than one view. Controlling others makes us view things in shadow form while taking a look in the sunlight grants us a more textured look. Disagreeing on how we think about something would not have to ruin a relationship. There wouldn’t be a winner or a loser. Self-esteem continues without a hitch. One less argument is negated.  Life flows better when we lose the desire to top others in arguments or actions. When someone is that annoying we can excuse ourselves and go to the bathroom or another room.

Age span,  heritage, beliefs politically and spiritually and place of work can’t ever dictate winners or losers. If you worry about  walking away with your pride, then consider how another would like to keep their honor. The reasons might be crazy and only understood by the individual but regardless, avoiding aggressive and passive aggressive behavior places  us firmly on the ground and in a positive frame of mind. Everyone goes home with a win.

“If you want to get the best out of a person you must look for the best that is in him.” Bernard Haldane

“Three billion people on the face of the earth go to bed hungry every night, but four billion people go to bed every night hungry for a simple word of encouragement and recognition.” Cavett Robert


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