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“Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.”    Dalai Lama

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.”    Dalai Lama

“I am thankful for the difficult  people in my life for they have shown me exactly who I don’t want to be.”     Albert  Einstein

“Spiteful people suffer from the worse kind of hurt, learning, toxic thinking behavior and low self-esteem.” Ty Howard

Spite holds us all hostage throughout our lives. We suffer emotional unkindness from others purposefully and perhaps at times not purposefully. The emotions this kind of behavior triggers are difficult to control. It pushes us over the edge and into a malevolent reaction towards the transgressor which is more forceful than the original hurt we endured. In order to get spitefulness under control, it requires the need to face the vindictiveness head on so that we don’t give in to viciousness ourselves.I recall numerous incidences of being at the mercy of another individuals meanness. My first question is usually why and the next thought is refraining from becoming the victim again. This never works and as I tolerate the malice and reflect on “How to get even,” I barely control myself but then angrily fume at myself for the lack of courage to dish it back. Those times when I have relentlessly retaliated,  I have brought more downfall on myself. Now I view spitefulness as a totally losing proposition.

Problem is that even if I stop, my offender continues the hits and I continue my remorseful teed off disposition. Many of us likely are in such positions. Sometimes we just want to get along but others incense us with their careless remarks opinions actions and statements. The choice is to argue, walk away seething, or maliciously respond with our own facts. Now we have created or recreated an enemy. We may believe we don’t care but family and friends are usually a constancy and make life  difficult when we are at odds with them.

I considered why such issues repeat for most of us and how we might handle it or remove ourselves from it before it reaches the explosive state. Other people likely are either unaware of the tension or already have chosen sides not based on facts but their  likes at the time. One can be absolutely crushed by falsehoods by another who simply gained the majority of votes. If we are likeable and friendly with others, we have a better chance of coming out on top.

Most times I see this as deceitful. If we are guilty of making another person “look” bad then we are guilty of lying and being deceitful. The wrongfully  accused person has no way to defend themselves except with the alternate  argument. So much unfairness goes into these situations that most of the outcomes are false verdicts. We relish in the victory if it is ours and we give little regard to the person smoldering in the ashes. Now I really wonder why we do this and to what benefit.

Holidays are coming. Time to put on the armor so to speak. This is so sad to me. Having good times with friends and family is crucial to well being and can be so full of joy. If we attend an occasion almost determined to make  waves then trust we will be successful. Bringing attitude, crankiness and all of the past issues we can think of to a holiday gathering will likely destroy the atmosphere right from the start.

I have honestly discovered  that this usually blows up for the perpetrator. They do ruin the gathering but they are even more destroyed by the results. They don’t think  about the added stresses placed on their shoulders from the unpleasantness they created. When we add on the guilt which is sometimes ignored, we bind ourselves up even further in isolation. The best thing we can do is recognize how our nastiness is like a boomerang that crashes right back at us.

Probably we are or have all been guilty of such behavior. I am not pointing any fingers as I am just as guilty. My reason for bringing it up is to possibly alleviate our anxieties and douse our anger before we venture to our holiday events. In my heart I know  we all have choices. We may like to pretend it is always someone else s fault. The truth is that the quicker we can find some blame in us the sooner we enjoy some happier moments. I know I got tired of unpleasantness and decided how much happier I felt when I chose tolerance, empathy and love for others. I guess when we think about the love we have for friends and family it overrides the displeasure we have built up in our minds.

Peace is always better than war and love is always more comforting than hate. Seeing the love is better than  searching for the hate. In all of us we find love and hate. The choice is up to us. Other people can choose to become aware of our love or focus on our shortcomings. We enjoy the same choices. Perhaps if we all joined together with the idea and goal of making the day happy for others, we might find that in the process we have produced a happy time for ourselves.

Being aware of others and their burdens helps us forget about our own. We can all get over our desire for vindictiveness if we look into our own hearts and recall the many times we were guilty  of maliciousness ourselves. It really is important to reflect on our desire to throw the first stone. Are we really that perfect? Try to forgive in your own heart and really the burdens lie on another. You find your hurts as well as your guilt evaporates.

Holding on to prejudices which can be economical, jealousies which can be between siblings and in laws,  insecurities which bring about false thoughts negative thinking and conjured surmises, and likely most of all the false ideas we have about our own worth and value to the people with whom we share the holidays. Perhaps we would all be astounded to hear the honest compliments others would bestow on us if asked to respond to an evaluation.  Trusting that deep down we are loved, needed and wanted is what we would all like to hear.

I for one am so blessed for my family and I hold them all close and would not want to lose  any one of them for any material item in the world. I don’t say it because it feels silly yet they are so meaningful to me  that they wash away my problems and pains. I count my husband kids grandchildren and in-laws and friends in the mix. I know that as much as I can see faults in them, they can see more in me. By forgiving them I hope to gain their forgiveness. Send your spitefulness on a permanent vacation. Find out there is more peace not perfection. There is more joy less controversy. There is more love which inspires and brings unending joy.

“Don’t worry about what people say behind your back, they are the people finding faults in your life, instead of fixing the faults in their own lives.”    Unknown

“When faced with senseless drama, spiteful criticisms, and misguided opinions, walking away is the best way to stand up for yourself. To respond with anger is an endorsement of their attitude.” Dodinsky

“The most important human endeavor is the striving for morality in our actions. Our inner balance and even our very existence depends on it. Only morality in our actions can give beauty and dignity to our lives.”    Albert Einstein


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